Month: May 2021

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Sissy!

Faggot!

Punk!

Were just a few of the names that I was called growing up in Wadesboro, North Carolina. These awful names hurt me. A lot. I was mocked and ridiculed by not only classmates and some of the neighborhood kids, but also in some cases teachers and other adults. And I didn’t know what I did to deserve it. Apparently, I acted like a “girl” when I was a child, which APPARENTLY warranted such abuse. But it wasn’t just the words that hurt. It was the attitude of society, of the entire planet that may have hurt the most.

Trying to hide my identity was so mentally draining. I did everything I could to not let my secret be exposed – or rather – to try and prove everyone wrong, that I was NOT a sissy, faggot, punk! I didn’t do it by dating girls, though I did take one to my senior prom. One thing I felt that I could do was pretend to like sports. So, I feigned an interest so that my then-best friend, who was really into sports, surely didn’t believe that I was queer. I never liked sports. Well, that isn’t entirely true. I did like wrestling, because of the men in their tight trunks LOL I did develop a taste for basketball, mostly college basketball such as the UNC Chapel Hill team and I, of course, later attended and graduated from UNC!

But in secret, I would put a towel on my head and pretend to be a girl. I put on my aunt’s makeup and bra and heels and would parade around the house that way when no one was home. I worked the runway, honey, before it was a thing! But ahhhh the towel on my head thing. Let’s go back even further.

It started when I was very little. I don’t remember the exact age, but I would guess I was probably 6 years old. What I would do is I would put a large bath towel on my head as my long hair and parade around the house and say “I’m a girl! Girl! Girl!” LOL I did this for YEARS! Well, at least for the first couple of years out in the open. I would even do it outdoors and walk around that way, and I didn’t care who saw me!!!! Heck, my aunt would even sometimes fashion the towel into a ponytail. I thought I was hot!! LOL But the years went by, and I believe I was around 10 at the height of “The Bionic Woman,” (and yes, I definitely put my towel/wig on and pretended to be Jaime) but around this time, my grandmother and my aunt both started yelling at me to “take that mess off your head!” I felt hurt and crushed. So, I did what they asked. And that is when I started doing it in secret all the way through high school!!

When I look back on it, I wonder if they hadn’t stopped me and encouraged me instead, if I would have become a drag queen or female impersonator. Or maybe transgender.

Religion/Christianity

You’re going to burn in hell if you’re gay!

Mankind shall not lie with mankind! It is an abomination unto the Lord!

God hates Fags!!!

More damaging rhetoric. And, of course, it comes from religion. And, of course, I have to mention it.

So, I was also an abomination. God didn’t even like me. No he HATED me. Religion didn’t like me. It was constantly talked about in my household how obviously being gay was frowned upon and that God didn’t approve. They had a “little sugar in ’em,” as my family used to say. Or the use of the Fred Sanford (“Sanford and Son”) wave of the hand to indicate someone was “funny” was used quite a lot in my house. All of this talk made me feel as though I was an alien, an outcast, dirty, filthy and disgusting. There was a minister in our church, at the time, who was “funny.” They talked about that man all the time, and good things were not said. They made fun of him. So, I knew that it was not okay to be effeminate. But to be a minister and “that way,” oh boy!

And nothing hasn’t changed in terms of how some “Christians” feel about homosexuality. How many times have I heard from straight Christians “I love YOU. Just not your lifestyle.” Lifestyle????? What is this the “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous?” Is heterosexuality a LIFESTYLE??? Because I have NEVER heard it called that. And do you know how condescending it is to hear someone say that? They love YOU but not your lifestyle, as if being straight is such a superior, wonderful thing to be. Well, straight people have their privilege. The privilege of being able to walk down the street holding hands without receiving any stares. The privilege of having the benefit of the doubt and the assumption that you are straight. The privilege of being able to have and adopt children freely and without question. The privilege for being automatically understood, accepted, loved and never judged just for being straight. And the list goes on and on.

One summer visiting my folks and brother in D.C., I saw this Christian pamphlet on homosexuality and how wrong and abnormal it was and sinful, of course. From what I remember, it told the story of a young boy who was “lured” into homosexuality by an older man in a park. How. Stupid. As if that is how it happens. But it made it seem that that is how homosexuality starts, from a depraved older man preying on boys. That is NOT how it happens!!! And it doesn’t “happen.” Either you are or you aren’t. Yes, you are BORN THAT WAY! There is no horrific event that “makes” or “turns” you gay. Is there a single event that makes or turns you straight? I’ll wait. But reading that pamphlet made me feel even worse about myself. I felt guilty and ashamed. And alone.

And for the Christians reading this who feel the need to pray over me and my “lifestyle,” save the prayers for YOUR ignorance, bigotry, and stupidity. Yeah. I said it.

Toxic Media Images – It’s the Straight way or the HIGHWAY!

Now, let’s talk about the images we, as gay people, see on television, in the media, magazines, and in the movies, etc.

Boy meets girl. Boy marries girl. Pretty much the end of the story. Boy and girl live happily ever after, and raise their little family. Blah, blah, blah. So on and so forth. Everyone applauds and approves of such a union. Growing up, I never saw boy meets boy. Or girl meets girl. Instead the images and portrayals of gay men were always about us being made fun of, beaten up, or even murdered. No happily ever after. None of that. In other instances, we eventually became the best friend to the heroine. Or the comic relief. We were the hairdressers TO or the confidante OF the female bestie. We NEVER got true love stories or happily ever afters of our own, I suppose, because we were seen as the joke, the clowns, the deviants in our secret homosexual world with our sick and sordid backroom sexual antics that were never spoken of. Only in whispers and stares. But gee. I wonder who put us there. Hmmm …

The Big Secret

Being gay, you’re the big secret. The awful thing that struggles first with your identity, but then after you realize who you really are, you must decide whether to either continue to keep it a secret or to come out to your family and tell them the truth about who you really are. It is VERY stressful, to say the least. And some gays and lesbians cannot deal with all of this and fall into severe depression and even decide to end their lives. Gee, how many straight people end their lives over being … straight? Again, I’ll wait. Cricket. Cricket. It is horrible to think that you don’t feel your life is worth living, because you feel that you cannot be your true, authentic self. And that really hurts and is quite damaging to your self-worth, psyche and mental wellbeing.

Yes, it does take a toll on your mental health. You cannot imagine what it is like having to deal with all of this. And the older you are, I would suspect the more trouble you had coming out. I do feel like things are easier now for the LGBTQ community in terms of coming out and being accepted. Goodness! You have CHILDREN coming out now!!!! But there are hordes and hordes of people out there who will NEVER accept who you are. And people who will forever remain in the closet out of fear. Again, this is very damaging to your mental health and wellbeing.

In summation, growing up gay in a straight world was NOT easy. And yes, it really, REALLY SUCKED!!! The mental and emotional toll it took on me (and countless others) was devastating. This is why I encourage people to be themselves. I am a huge supporter of transgender rights and for people to be called or referred to whatever they wish to be called or referred to. You know, it is not for any of us to try and understand or judge. Just let people be and accept – not tolerate because that implies dealing with something repugnant and/or putting up with something you don’t really care about in the first place – people for who they are. Just embrace and accept people as you would expect them to do for you.

This topic is far from over, by the way. More to come. And don’t forget to leave me a comment below.

In the meantime, peace! And be mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back to another wild ride to maintain our sanity!! Woo hoo!

Today, I wish to delve into something that I discovered about life and the choices I/we make in this life. And let’s face it, a lot of our lives revolve around the following:

• Relationships (typically romantic, but of course family and friends).
• Our jobs and careers.
• And any other life situation, like living arrangements or where you live, et al.

But what do you do when you find yourself stuck in this ENDLESS cycle with the same job. The same people. The same relationship. The same tired situation that you have been stuck in for the last several hundred/million years? And worse yet, it hasn’t gone anywhere or improved. More importantly, are you happy in said situation? We have ALL been there.

Relationships

They are EVERYWHERE! People who are married, partnered, dating, together, etc. You cannot escape these people. And they LOOK happy (ESPECIALLY on social media). But sometimes beneath the surface, there is a lot more going on. Maybe one of them is NOT as happy as the other. Maybe they are BOTH unhappy. Maybe there is some sort of abuse going on, whether physical, mental or emotional. Maybe one is a substance abuser. Maybe one works long hours and barely has time for the other. You get the picture. But the question is if you are involved in a dead-end relationship, are you happy? Well. Are you? And if you are unhappy with the situation, why are you staying? Uh oh. Here we go:

• If I leave him/her, I will have no one.
• I will be all alone.
• Well, I’m USED to the _______________ — whatever it is. (You can insert in the blank any of the following: Drinking. Drugs. Loneliness. His/her long work hours. His/her toxic family. The cheating. The condescension. The lack of sex. The mental/emotional/physical abuse).

But why do we settle? Do we not know our worth? I do realize that in any relationship, there is something you are going to have to “put up with,” (let’s hope it is something simple as snoring, which can be annoying, too). But I think if it interferes with YOUR happiness or mental wellbeing (because isn’t this what this is about??), then is it worth it? I am definitely no relationship expert, but I most certainly have had my fair share of them, and I know what I will put up with and what I won’t. And I think it all boils down to self-respect. Or do you just want to be in a relationship to say that you are in a relationship? And I know it is easier said than done to just up and leave or end things. There may be kids or a house in both names, property, etc. But it is also fair to think about where you are headed in said relationship.

Jobs

Picture it Atlanta, sometime in the 21st century. A beautiful and handsome – well to be honest HOT, GBM (gay black male – yes, me bitches!! LOL) works for a company that is “supposed to be fun.” A company where he/I get to display my talents as an actor, playwright, singer, director and musical director. And the first few years WERE fun. It was like being in a dream, especially a certain component of my job which allowed me freedom and mobility in the community. However, over time it became quite clear that there was no leadership, no true direction, and TPTB (the powers that be) did NOT value their employees. It was more CORPORATE driven than ACTOR/ENTERTAINMENT driven. It was supposed to be educational, but there was always a battle as to the best way to make that happen. Eventually, the workload from the “boss” (or one of them, actually, because we had several), the workload transferred from our main boss to the acting team. I am talking the scripts, the directing, the musical direction. All of it. At first, it seemed like a good idea, but it became quite clear who the team players were and who wanted to hog the spotlight for themselves, and who wanted to be in control of EVERYTHING. This particular workplace eventually grew to be one of the most toxic work environments I have EVER encountered. And hell, I thought when I first arrived in Atlanta back in 1993 to teach was bad. Oh girl!!

After seven years of this nonsense, I finally had had enough, especially after another one of my bosses began to judge me on my facial expressions when I came into work, i.e. I didn’t LOOK like I wanted to be there. I DIDN’T! Newsflash: When you do not treat your employees properly, why would they want to even appear to look like they wish to be there? And I’m the type of person who does NOT hide their feelings or facial expressions. Though, I’m an actor, I definitely am not fake.

Anyway, I was not judged on my work performance because when I asked, this person said, and I quote, ‘Well. I haven’t seen you on the floor with the parents and children. So, I don’t know. I’ve just seen you back here.’ (meaning offstage). Insert major eye roll here. So, you are judging me on my FACIAL EXPRESSIONS. NOT my actual WORK PERFORMANCE. Okay. As actors we do our thing in front of the audience, but when we hit backstage we are ourselves. But this was “corporate,” so apparently you had to pretend you like being at work. You know, the fake way a lot of you do. Yeah. I said it. Mind you, I didn’t say not one cross word to any of the “corporate” people ever. I was always cordial. But my face! Oh BROTHER! Such rubbish! (This is exactly why actors HATE working in corporate!!!!!!)

Anyway, I should have sued. But to preserve my mental state and wellbeing, I left. And I have NOT looked back since. I have not even allowed myself to be in a toxic work situation like the one I just described. Where I am currently is the complete OPPOSITE of the nonsense I just described above. We are valued and respected. No fake positive people at all. Everyone is very sincere. So, when I show up for work, I am who I REALLY am. A fun and happy person. Put me in a toxic, negative situation, I am the environment I am in. And that is NOT good for one’s mental state.

But, of course, I can understand the reasons why people would choose to stay in a job, even a very bad one:

• Jobs are hard to find.
• The money is good. So, what if my boss treats me like trash?
• I’m too old to start over.
• I’ve got mouths to feed, including mine.

And the list goes on and on and on.

But ask yourself this question. What is in it for you? What do you get out of being in a toxic situation? Is it money? Sex? Power? Comfort? Ahhhh comfort. Some people REALLY don’t wish to get out of their comfort zone. Again, I understand. I’ve been there. But the older I get, the more I realize that nothing is worth my mental health and wellbeing, including being comfortable.

Living Situations

Ah the dreaded living situation. Well, as you have read in my previous posts, my roommate moved out two months ago. THANK GOD! And he is not missed. This one can be a tricky one, as well, because no doubt of finances. And also, what if you are living with your parents? Again, that could be a financial situation or perhaps you are the caregiver.

So, let me just speak from the roommate perspective. I am NOT a roommate person. And I knew this wayyyyyy back in college during the 80s. I just can’t deal with a roommate. However, because of money, I felt I had to have one. But not anymore. I have decided for my mental wellbeing to just take the plunge and go it alone, which is what I should have been doing all along since I left home at 18!!! Or at least when I realized I can’t live with other people.

Two BRILLIANT examples of escape from ANY situation, whether relationship, jobs, etc.

I realized that there are two examples that represent escaping a horrible, toxic situation. Though these examples really pertain to romantic relationships, I think they can apply to ANY horrible situation, because of the fact that there is a breaking away of said situation. And yes, these are movies. LOL

The first one is “The Color Purple.” Yes, THE COLOR PURPLE is a great example of FINALLY breaking free of a toxic situation – as an abused and put-upon Celie, portrayed in the movie by Whoopi Goldberg, of course, finally leaves her husband after many years of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. When Celie chooses to leave, I feel that jubilation, that weight being lifted off when you at long last break free of this horrible situation that has numbed your mind, body and soul FOR DECADES!!!!!

Bit of trivia: “The Color Purple” was filmed very close to where I grew up in Wadesboro, N.C. The exterior shot of the courthouse towards the end of the film is actually the courthouse in my hometown!!! And there are SEVERAL familiar faces in the church scenes, people I grew up with and/or went to school with!!!!

You experience that same freedom in Tina Turner’s story displayed brilliantly in the movie “What’s Love Got To Do with It?” starring the fabulous Angela Bassett. That moment when Tina, who is bloodied, bruised and tired from yet another beatdown from Ike Turner, runs across that highway escaping from him, running to the hotel across the street, oh my GOD! I am in TEARS!!!!!!! I have a breakdown moment, because I am sooooo happy for her!!! By the way, I saw this movie THREE times in the theater before I moved to Atlanta!!!! It was THAT powerful!!!!

Believe me, when you’ve had enough, you’ve had ENOUGH!!!

So, in summation, why are you staying in whatever has you stuck? What is in it for YOU? Because there is ALWAYS something, a reason. And most importantly, are you happy? Perhaps you haven’t asked yourself yet. Ask yourself today. Tonight. Right now. After all Celie got out. Tina got out. And yours truly got the hell out.

Well, that’s all I have today. Make sure to leave a comment below.

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I am hoping this provides some help to you. And as always, please be mentally well!!!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back, everyone!!! Tonight’s post is going to be a fun one. I wanted to talk about something that DEFINITELY helps me with my mental imbalance and brings me such joy, and that is reading the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew Mysteries! Yes. You read that correctly. Let me explain.

But first. Picture it. Wadesboro, North Carolina, 1977.

A very cute and fabulous little black boy is sitting in Mrs. Matthews 5th grade class, end of the day. (Thankfully!) Yes. Me. And I am reading “The Shattered Helmet,” one of the Hardy Boys Mysteries. This particular book in the series would prove to be important surrounding the birth of my brother, because one of the characters in the book was named Dimitri, which is my brother’s middle name. However, his is spelled Dmitri, which is quite clever. When he was born in early winter of 1978, my father revealed that that’s what he and my mother wanted to name him. Well, imagine my surprise!! I was ABSOLUTELY thrilled to hear that!!! Quite the little connection.

I was always reading these stories. I was OBSESSED with them. On Saturdays when my grandfather would take my grandmother to go grocery shopping, he would drop me off at the library just so I could browse the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew Mysteries. I, obviously, checked out several LOL

But my obsession didn’t end there. After the birth of my brother, whenever my aunt and I would visit my parents and brother in Washington, D.C., we would always accompany them to Toys “R” Us to buy diapers for my brother. And color me surprised when I discovered they had an ENTIRE section devoted to Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew!!! Well, needless to say, I began purchasing them. In order. And over time, I had nearly amassed the entire collection through #56 or 57 in both. Fortunately, my grandfather had built TWO sheds in our backyard, and one of them housed all of my books. (Sadly, many years later when I was well into adulthood, he threw them all away. 🤬)

Anyway, imagine my joy when they turned the stories into a television series in the late 70s, starring Pamela Sue Martin as Nancy Drew, and Parker Stevenson as Frank Hardy, and Shaun Cassidy as Joe Hardy!!! And yes, I watched every single episode!! They weren’t exactly based on the novels themselves, but they were fun to watch back then. (But child, me and one of my former roommates sat down to watch an episode as adults, and we discovered that they were BAD!! LOLOL) But as kids, you think some things are just the greatest.

Well NOW picture it. Atlanta, GA, pandemic 2020/2021. A VERY sexy and handsome YOUNG gay man of 54 decides to start reading them again. Yes. Also me LOLOL I just one day decided to pick up where I left off in the series. And this year, I have been steadily reading them ever since!!

Below is a pic of some of the books that I have purchased in 2021.

And yes, the books are VERY dated. The situations are a bit contrived. And the endings are very convenient in how SUDDENLY they catch the bad guys. Sometimes they end up working on two mysteries at the same time that end up being connected somehow. Of course. And sadly, different cultures are oftentimes portrayed very stereotypically. And let’s not forget that Frank and Nancy are 18 years old, and Joe is 17. TEENAGERS! Yet, they are all well-known DETECTIVES, and even trusted with military secrets!!!! LOLOLOL I mean, come on!! That would NEVER happen in real life. For starters, who’s going to hire a couple of teens as detectives??? But it is all in good fun, and it brings me back to a happy part of my childhood. Or rather, a time when these books got me through all the bullying I endured at that time.

And they have been a source of comfort during these troubling times we have found ourselves in. So, yes, they have helped me mentally, as well. I start each morning off reading one of them. I am currently on #66 of the Hardy Boys, and I am about to finish it and start #66 of Nancy Drew!

Oh. And I cannot close without giving honorable mention to The Three Investigators, which was another obsession of mine as a child!

So, by all means, please share with me your childhood joy or something you have returned to or rediscovered during the pandemic that has helped you to get through it. Doesn’t have to be from childhood. And doesn’t have to be from the pandemic. But perhaps it is a passion you had long since forgotten or responsibilities took over and you had to drop it. Leave a comment below.

And until the next time, stay mentally well!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

DEREK’S 2ND DISCLAIMER: This post is about feelings – yes THAT icky word – and the effect on one’s mental health related to the subject above. This post is NOT designed to be a political post. So, please refrain from making such comments and from arguing. If you are going to comment, keep it to about how the last four years made you feel, please. Thank you!

Welcome back, my fellow bent minders! Sit back for another post from yours truly. This one is going to be a doozy.

First of all, I want to say that I really had no intentions of going political, because we have had plenty of that mess lately to last a lifetime. However, I am writing this on the advice of a very close friend, who said how the past four years of a certain administration created depression in a lot — and I do mean A LOT — of people!!

This good friend mentioned former First Lady Michelle Obama and how she revealed during her podcast that she experienced low-grade depression during the pandemic, and mentioned the racial strife and the former administration as factors contributing to her depression as well. Here is a link to the article below:

https://www.healthline.com/health-news/michelle-obama-talks-low-grade-depression-during-the-pandemic

So, let’s dive into these feelings. “Nothing more than feelings.”

The Shock

Going back to that fateful night on Tuesday, November 8, 2016, (and believe me, I am literally filled with disgust right now remembering it), just like everyone else that I know and over 65,000,000 other people, the shock of that “person” “winning” the election was unbelievable. We just could NOT believe that after winning the popular vote, Hillary Clinton was not named the 45th President of the United States, which would have made her the first woman President in the history of this country. The disbelief was unreal. It was so bad that even my then-roommate didn’t go to work the next day and stayed in bed pretty much all day. That is how shocking it was.

The Disbelief

I truly felt that the event didn’t happen, that it was all a bad dream. For a brief moment, I really did think that it was a colossal joke. Then when it began to sink in, that is when the disappointment hit me.

The Disappointment

Needless to say the disappointment that we, 65,000,000-plus people, felt was just impalpable. My main disappointment was in this country, actually. How in the world could this have happened? How could this country have made such a horrible mistake? In my opinion, the Electoral College is a joke. I mean, we had seen this before in the 2000 Presidential Election between George W. Bush and Al Gore, where Al Gore actually won over 500,000 more popular votes than George W. had.

The Anger

The disappointment eventually led to my pure anger and rage over the outcome of that election and in this country itself. My mind turned over and over and over and over again over the situation until I really got pissed. And I know a lot of people did, too. This is what I felt the most, not any sort of real depression. I was angry with this country. I was angry with that administration. And I was very, very, VERY angry with the nearly 63,000,000 people who voted for that monstrosity. And some of those 63,000,000 people were people I knew.

The Fear

Then came the fear. Why? Because this country began to resemble a dystopian society with its “The Handmaid’s Tale” and “1984” – like, unfolding drama. It really started to resemble both, as well as other horrific movies and novels of the same theme. The rise of fascism was disgusting and frightening. The racism that was uncovered (rather that was uncorked yet again) was mindboggling. It was a very bad time warp as America began to travel backwards in time to some of the worst times in this country.

Hispanics were targeted. (Build the wall bullshit.)

Homophobia. Nothing new, but there was the fear of marriage equality being overturned.

Transphobia was on the rise.

The shootings and murders of black people by the police. George Floyd. Breonna Taylor. Ahmaud Arbery to name a very small few. Yes. SAY THEIR NAMES!!!

The rise of the KKK and white nationalism and Neo-Nazism.

Eventually, I became fearful of even leaving my house. What if I was shot by the police over something maybe as simple as speeding?

What if I encountered a racist at the grocery story wearing one of those red hats?

I really began to fear that this WAS the end of the world, that Hitler was alive yet again, and that one day soon I would find myself in a concentration camp.

Then came the pandemic of 2020. The pandemic itself was bad enough, but the handling of it by the former administration was despicable to say the least. Stating that it was a hoax to keep that occupant in the White House (OITWH) from being elected. Then it was like – “Oh. It will be gone by April.” Then it was by the summertime. And then much later, it was revealed that the OITWH knew about it from the beginning!!!! It was appalling!! The lies! The deception!

Anyway, you could feel the fear rising in your throat and seeping and creeping into your brain. It would just take over your entire body and soul. Again, I was in literal fear for my life. Fear of the police. Fear of the newly emboldened racists. Fear of dying in a pandemic, the likes of which we had NEVER seen in our lifetime. (Move over 1918 with its Spanish Flu.) I, myself, contracted it back in January of this year and didn’t even know I had it. It was two weeks of pure agony. I was one of the lucky ones, though. However, hundreds of thousands of other people were not so lucky, succumbing to this dreadful scourge. So, there was that fear of catching it and dying from it.

And we cannot forget the economic side of things as the country was shut down. People lost their jobs, and you were left wondering if you were going to be next. My former roommate lost his job almost immediately, and was unemployed during the entire pandemic!! It was so bad for him, that he turned (or returned, rather) to meth.

The Depression

I would just like to say that I was one of the fortunate ones. I can honestly say I did not feel depressed during the past four years. I don’t get depressed, per se. Just maybe a little down, and that is rare. I always have something to pick me up – like my writing. And DEFINITELY music is a great pick-me-up. However, I know there are LOTS of people who are not so lucky. And again, former First Lady Michelle Obama admitted she was one of those who felt a little depressed during this time.

After describing all that I did above, I can imagine how you would get depressed during these past four years. That feeling of hopelessness and sadness and fatigue and despair, and just wondering if you will EVER get out of this. This is why when someone says they are depressed, I take that VERY seriously. You never know what someone is going through or how they are feeling or how something is affecting them. From what I understand, it is no joke. And it can seem that there is no end in sight.

But then something wonderful and almost magical happened …

The Relief

The 2020 Presidential Election happened, and we got a new President!!! The current administration is such a HUGE relief!! It was like an extremely heavy burden was lifted off of all of us!!! That collective sigh of relief. Being able to breathe again. But there was tension leading up to Inauguration Day 2021 with its disgusting January 6 insurrection and the lies that the election was stolen from that “person.” And there was the further tension that something awful would happen on Inauguration Day 2021, but it didn’t.

I know there is plenty of work that still needs to be done, and this current administration certainly has its work cut out for it. Because as we know, there are still awful things brewing. But I still feel a great sense of relief and hope.

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Book description

It’s only human to worry about problems in our lives–but for some, obsessing for weeks and months, or avoiding social situations due to feelings of panic, can become regular habits. If any of these describe you or a loved one, it could be “almost anxiety.”

Those of us who are “almost anxious” may never address the issue because we don’t fully meet the diagnostic criteria for an anxiety disorder. In Almost Anxious, Luana Marques, PhD describes the spectrum of these symptoms, from normal situational anxiety on one end to a full-blown diagnosable anxiety disorder on the other. Drawing on case studies and the latest research, she gives you the tools to

• assess whether your or a loved one’s worry is a problem
• gain insight on how to intervene with a loved one
• discover proven strategies to change unhealthy feelings of distress
• gauge the physical, psychological, and social impact of your anxiety symptoms
• determine when and how to get professional help if needed

Well, that’s all I have for today, my friends. In the meantime and as always, be well!! And see ya Tuesday!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Sources:

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2016_United_States_presidential_election
2. https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/presidential-election-al-gore-george-bush-too-close-to-call

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own or have copyright licensing for any songs displayed on this page.

Greetings, my fellow Bent Minders! I think I’ve got a good one today. Unrealistic Expectations or Expectations Period. But I think my above title sounded much better than that. LOL

Let’s face it. We all have some sort of expectations of things, and especially of people.

For example:

• I EXPECT you to call me.
• I EXPECT you to pay me.
• I EXPECT you to pay attention to me.
• I EXPECT you to listen to me.
• I EXPECT you to like me.
• I EXPECT you to love me.
• I EXPECT you to be there for me.
• I EXPECT you to be where you say you’re going to be.
• I EXPECT you to help me.
• I EXPECT you to like/love my posts on social media!!!!!!!

Oh God!! Especially that last one, right? (see my very last post on Toxicity in Social Media Validation).

We, as human beings/earth things – I prefer earth things to earthlings – are always expecting SOMETHING from others. ALL. THE. BLOODY. TIME. Heck, we can expect things from objects. For example, I expect my car to take me where I want to go. I expect my computer to execute the commands I give it. You get the picture.

Anyway, expectations really can get us into trouble. Because what if you DON’T get what you expect? What happens then? If you are anything like me (and I don’t mind throwing myself under the proverbial bus to get run over), but I feel disappionted. Let down. Upset. Pissed off. When I don’t get what I want.

It really can mess with your mind when you don’t get what you expect. Like a child expecting Santa Claus to visit you and bring LOTS of toys and presents at Christmastime. Or even now, like a person expecting all the likes and loves and hugs on Facebook for your birthday. It can be a real downer not to get what you expect.

I know. I’ve been there. I suspect many of you have been, too.

I have been hurt/disappointed so many times in my life, starting in childhood. Expecting my parents, who didn’t raise me, to come see me on my birthday, at Christmastime, etc. and when they couldn’t come, I was VERY disappointed.

I was very disappointed when I didn’t win the band awards I thought I should have won.

I have been VERY disappointed in relationships.

And on and on and on and on!!

I know a lot of you are probably saying, “well, Derek. Honey, that’s ALL OF US! It’s a part of life.” Yes. But how do YOU handle it? How do you handle disappointment? Let me know in the comment section below.

Some say don’t expect anything from anyone at all. And the older I get, the more I tend to agree with that. I think it is quite toxic to expect things from people all the time. I really do. Don’t get me wrong, there are unspoken things that, of course, we should expect from people. Like being where you say you’re going to be. Being there on time. Treating people with courtesy. But I am realizing more and more when it comes to other things, especially being liked and/or loved by people, don’t expect that shit at all. I have even gotten to a point not to expect help from people or favors, big or small. I have been disappointed SO MANY times in that area. Or when someone makes a promise and they don’t live up to it.

I have decided to simply let go. Let me repeat that. LET GO. Another New Age term LOL But it works for me. I don’t have the time or the energy to live on broken promises. I have entirely TOO MUCH to do.

This is ESPECIALLY true of when I need help with something. Just recently I asked a close friend for a help with something. And well. Chirp, chirp, cricket ,cricket. This person has yet to respond. Am I mad? Not all. I mean, I know people are busy. But it does prove my point. This song by Simply Red captures this theme PERFECTLY!

And this is how I handle disappiontment now.

I keep on moving!! LOL It serves me quite well mentally to do just that!!!

Again, tell me your thoughts in the comment section below.

And now for the featured product of the day:

Please click the link below.

https://www.hazelden.org/store/item/1624

“In this wonderfully practical book, Melody Beattie gives you the tools to discover the magnificence and splendor of your being.”
—Deepak Chopra, M.D.

Beckoning readers toward a spiritual territory beyond even that of her revolutionary best-seller Codependent No More, Melody Beattie conducts us through teeming Casablanca, war-torn Algeria, and the caverns of Egypt’s great pyramids as she embarks on a new kind of journey of the soul.

An enlightening blend of travel adventure and spiritual discovery, filled with new ideas for overcoming the pitfalls of guilt and self-doubt, Stop Being Mean to Yourself is a compassionate tour guide for the troubled and the heartsick, for those who seek a happier place in the world. A tale that is at once modern and timeless, rich with the promise of personal discovery, it is a book about learning the art of living and of loving others — and ourselves. As full of suspense and excitement as it is of hope and encouragement, it is as rewarding for its pure reading pleasure as for the wisdom it imparts.

https://www.hazelden.org/store/item/1624

That’s it! Till the next time, and please be mentally well!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own or have copyright licensing for any songs displayed on this page.

Well, it is Freaky Friday, and I am back with another post! And today’s topic is focusing on the toxicity of seeking validation through social media (or social murder as I like to call it).

I have 500 likes on Facebook (Fakebook). I have 20,000 followers on InstaGram. I have quite the following on YouTube. I am liked! I am LOVED! They love ME!! I mean, they REALLY, REALLY love me!!!!!! (FYI I don’t have any of that stuff, and I actually am quite fine with it. )

Hey, that’s fantastic! That is great!! But how do you feel about YOU? I mean, without all of those likes, would you still love or even like yourself? Do you need this sort of validation to feel valued? Do you really need approval from others? Just a thought.

First of all, we ALL want/need some sort of validation in life. If you are a parent, you may ask yourself – am I a good mom/dad? If you are married or partnered, you may ask yourself – am I a good husband/wife/partner? Oprah Winfrey shared the following thought on her final show:

“I’ve talked to nearly 30,000 people on this show, and all 30,000 had one thing in common: They all wanted validation. If I could reach through this television and sit on your sofa or sit on a stool in your kitchen right now, I would tell you that every single person you will ever meet shares that common desire. They want to know: ‘Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?’

When she said this, a light bulb just immediately flashed inside me. I was like, you are sooooooo correct on that! No matter what anyone says, I feel this is what we – on some level – want!!! It all boils down to some sort of acceptance. And that in and of itself is valid. “Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?” And it really, REALLY hurts when you feel that you are invisible or that you are unheard or that NO ONE cares what you have to say and/or it means NOTHING to them. I have been there more times than I care to even count.

And then social media came along with its endless selfies and pics and posts about food and houses and relationships and marriages and anniversaries and birthdays and graduations and vacations and the gym … well, you get the picture, so to speak. And suddenly, EVERYONE was a star. What started out as sharing and caring, turned into – well, a bit of a monster, in my opinion. It seemed like a competition to have THE best posts with THE best photos and pictures to get THE most likes. And I just know someone reading this is thinking – ‘hmmmm sounds like someone is hatin’ or doesn’t get a lot of likes.’ And first of all, I get my fair share of likes and NO. I am not “hatin’.” I am a nearly 54-year-old gay man who was BEFORE social media (proud Gen X, baby!!!!!), who has NEVER considered himself liked by a lot of people to begin with. So, at the end of the day I really don’t care about being “liked.” But I really think some people do, especially when it comes to social murder – er social media. The endless selfies in the same position. In front of the same mirror. Sometimes the same outfit. It is actually becoming laughable. But some people really rely on that, saying in their posts “I love ME!!” Great. Fantastic. You SHOULD love YOU! However, if you really do, do you REALLY need to state it ALL. THE. TIME? I mean, who are you trying to convince? Yourself? Or the rest of us? Because come on, after a gazillion selfies, I think we KNOW what you look like! LOL

I am not knocking the selfie thing. Well. Not TOO much. I mean, they are fun. You are capturing a fun time out with your friends, your vacation, and sometimes if you’re lucky, with a celebrity. But when it becomes an obsession, is that really a healthy thing? If you are consistently relying on those gazillion likes, is THAT healthy? Just wondering. I think if it is a constant craving for attention, then it leads into toxicity, and that can lead into some sort of mental imbalance.

That mental imbalance, I feel, is some sort of an obsession with being liked and/or validated. So, what if you don’t get those millions of likes or millions of followers after you have put your heart and soul into your selfies and pics and posts and videos? What if you only get – GASP – ONE LIKE??? Or no likes at all? Do you feel hurt? Destroyed? Do you even care? Tell me in the comment section below. Let me be honest, sometimes there is that expectation of getting people to like what you post, at least one person I would think. Even deep down I think at least one person – maybe two – will either like my post or comment on it. But again, what if that doesn’t happen? I do think there are those people who are counting on the likes and the comments. I mean, they are REALLY counting on it. Maybe social media is their only social outlet. After all, we are still in the middle of a pandemic. So, it is understandable that this is the only way to stay connected with people.

But it can become an obsession of trying to keep up with the Joneses in seeing what others post and feeling that twinge of jealousy and/or self-loathing. Like how come that doesn’t happen to me? Or why don’t I have a relationship? Or I am in a relationship, but mine sure doesn’t seem as happy as theirs do (according to the selfies). Or why am I not succeeding like so and so? He/she looks great! My body sure doesn’t look like that. And on and on and on until your mind is definitely off balance, and you are thinking there is something wrong with YOU, because you are comparing yourself to others.

I have seen countless online articles about how staying off of social media can actually make you feel HAPPIER and boost or reboost your self-esteem. I’ve tried staying off, and I was HAPPIER without it. Now, I just take it all with a grain of salt, and am thankful for ME and what I have accomplished.

Okay, so before leaving for today, I would like to point out today’s featured product, which is the following book, Addictive Personality: Understanding the Addictive Process and Compulsive Behavior by Craig Nakken. This book explores the process of addiction. Craig Nakken brings new depth and dimension to our understanding of how an individual becomes an addict. Going beyond the definition that limits dependency to the realm of alcohol and other drugs, Nakken uncovers the common denominator of all addiction and describes how the process is progressive.

Through research and practical experience, Nakken sheds new light on:

• Genetic factors tied to addiction
• Cultural influences on addictive behaviors
• The progressive nature of the disease
• Steps to a successful recovery

The author examines how addictions start, how society pushes people toward addiction, and what happens inside those who become addicted. This new edition will help anyone seeking a better understanding of the addictive process and its impact on our lives.

Please click on the following link for this book:

https://www.hazelden.org/store/item/3429

I could be on the subject of social media all day, but alas it is time for me to go. But before I do, remember to value YOURSELF and what YOU bring to the table. You would be amazed how much you do.

All the best as always!!!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Part 3 – Staying Present (at least as much as possible)

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Greetings again, my fellow Mind Benders! (Maybe that’s a better way to refer to everyone – LOL)!

Today’s post is to give sort of a summary of what we have been talking about for the last two posts – the past and its effect on mental wellness. As the title suggests, these “final thoughts” are not so final as I could blog on this topic for EONS! There is just so much to say about the past and its effect on us.

So, one of the things I can say about the past is simple: Try and stay focused on the present moment. It is such a difficult thing to do, for me anyway. I am always caught up in the past on some level every. Single. Day. Perhaps we all are. For me, all it takes is music, a specific song for example. And the next thing I know, there I am again back in the past remembering whatever I was going through at the time, or what the song means to me, what it represents, or what event I associate it with.

For example, the song “You’re The One” (for me) by SWV brings me back to 1996 and the man I thought was the love of my life, Javier Muro. The feelings, the emotions, the love I felt for him all returns when I hear this song. I am immediately transported back to that time of being with him. This song and my obsession with him was a part of me for such a long time!!! And even without me playing the song, I was still swept there to yester-Javier-year LOL HOWEVER, I began to realize that it wasn’t healthy for me to do that all the time. I had to learn to what, what? STAY IN THE PRESENT MOMENT!

I have said it before, and I shall state again some of the things that I do to stay in the present moment:

1. Meditation. Meditation helps me to focus. I have an ENTIRE morning routine that I go through, from prayer, to mindful meditation, to journaling, to Wonder Woman spins. Yes. Wonder Woman spins.
2. Writing. Writing is EXTREMELY helpful for me. I am writing now, of course, blogging. I am also writing a web series/screenplay, which is so much fun for me. Blogging has become lots of fun for me, as well.
3. Playing a musical instrument. I play the trumpet, clarinet, and the flute. Unfortunately, I need to get my clarinet and flute repaired, but I still have my trumpet. Now, when I play my trumpet, I cannot help but get focused on those hard high notes I sometimes have to play 🙂
4. Exercise. This is actually my LEAST favorite thing to do; however, believe it or not it actually works for me. I know it works for a lot of people.
5. Being around friends/people. You cannot help but get caught up in the present when you are around friends, at least it works for me. Of course, with the pandemic, it makes it a bit challenging. But there is Zoom, of course. And whenever I do something on Zoom, magically the past is simply not there, because I am focused on whomever I am with on Zoom.
6. Sitting outside. I LOVE nature and the sun and sitting on my patio. What I will do is focus on the trees, the weather, the sun, my patio railing, the patio furniture — anything my eyes can see whenever I am on my patio.
7. Sometimes I will simply say “stay in this moment.” If it is a good moment, most definitely I tell myself that, even if it is when I am driving. Rather than get tangled up in the past, I just focus on whatever I am doing at that time.

These are just a few things I do to stay in the present moment.

And in summation, I am not saying not to revisit the past. However, if you especially feel that remembering the past is making you feel sad, or down, or longing and/or wishing things had been different – ESPECIALLY with a relationship – then just breathe, reframe, and try refocusing. See if it works. If not, try something else. By all means, let me know what works for you in the comment section below.

But before I go, here is a link to the featured product of the day:

There is no shame in anyone’s game. Sometimes you need a little help. If you feel that things are really tough for you, try online therapy. Click on the link below and check it out and see if it is a match for you.

https://www.online-therapy.com/?ref=234176

It is time for me to say ta ta for now. Till the next time!

Be mentally well!!!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).