Season’s Greetings, Everyone! I do hope all is well with you, and you are surviving the holidays. Because, child, I know it can be tough during this time. So, big hugz to all of you!
So, this week I would like to talk about something that probably has affected all of us in some way. And that is feelings of abandonment during your childhood by your parents and/or caregivers. (Yep. Just in time for the holidays. Sorry.)
So, consider this your trigger warning!
I like to place myself in the middle of my blog posts. Because, after all, if I am not willing to display myself and my mental imbalances, then why even do this to begin with?
So, consider me shining a light on this subject, using myself as a guinea pig. 😉😁
I know we have all heard it before that everything goes back to childhood and to some extent it is true.
With that said, I will not bore you with all of the gory details. However, I will simply start by saying when I was 5 years of age, my mother and father allowed me to move away from them in Washington, D.C., to live in Wadesboro, North Carolina, with my grandparents and aunt – my father’s parents and sister.
As you have probably read in previous posts, my family life was not the most ideal. Though to be fair, I was given everything a little black child could want or hope for, even a promise with a trip to Paris (and I don’t mean the Paris in Texas) hahaha!
So, I did have a blessed childhood in terms of presents and gifts and cash and birthday parties, and Christmases, etc.
Whenever my parents would leave the foreboding and intimidating confines of Washington, D.C., to arrive in Wadesboro for visits, and then would leave to return to D.C., there was that feeling of abandonment that would creep up inside me.
I can say this now, but I felt this deep ache in the pit of my stomach and soul whenever they left. I would feel so empty once they were gone. And I cried an ocean of tears.
Okay. So, fast forward to now and upon me reflecting, I am beginning to understand why I have feelings of rejection or rather, a FEAR of rejection. And how I tread very carefully, particularly in personal romantic relationships. I don’t want to get hurt. But then again who does?
People who feel abandoned may react in different ways. I totally react as a bitch towards people and mankind sometimes. Not gonna lie. I stay away. I detach. I stay off to myself. Perhaps it is because I don’t want to get hurt. Anymore.
Now, I am totally ripping from one of the articles below that I have chosen as a source, some of the emotional difficulties that are commonly experienced by adult children of abandoning/emotionally unavailable parents (caregivers):
- Abusive relationships
- Anxiety Disorders or symptoms
- Attachment Disorders
- Borderline Personality Disorder
- Care-taking and Codependency
- Chaotic Lifestyle
- Clingy/needy behavior
- Compulsive behaviors may develop
- Depression
- Desperate relationships/relationships that happen too fast
- Disturbances of mood, cannot self-regulate and experiences emotions in extreme
- Extreme jealousy and possessiveness
- Lack of confidence, self-esteem issue
- May be poor at self-soothing
- People-pleasing behaviors to detriment of self.
- Poor coping strategies
- Promiscuity
- Relationship problems
- Trust issues
And I fit nearly all of them.
And in relationships, romantic or otherwise, when it all goes wrong, I ask myself “What did I do wrong? What have I done? How can I fix this?” I am sure that a lot of us have felt that way before.
And I sometimes I think why do I feel a need to put on a show in public and “act?” Is it because I want to be liked? Or loved? To get attention because I am still trying to get my parents’ attention, but seeking it elsewhere as an adult?
In truth, I was not abandoned. My mother felt it best that I live with my grandparents, because as she tells it now, she didn’t like how my father was treating me. She thought his approach to discipline was a bit heavy handed, so to speak, which I can definitely see. And she didn’t want him “beating on me all the time.” She, in essence, did it to save my life. And maybe that’s being a bit overly dramatic, but that is how I see it now.
Again, I am shining a light. I am not blaming.
Anyhoo, leaving a child can certainly make that child feel unwanted. And I can understand a bit what adopted children may feel, though I was not adopted. But in a way, yes, I suppose I was.
And yes, there were times when I didn’t feel wanted by either my parents or my grandparents. And that translated into, once again, personal relationships.
And not just romantic ones.
I have felt the rejection in friendships, as well.
You do what you can to bridge those gaps in friendships. You invite them places. They can’t go for whatever reason. All right. You call them. They don’t call back. You TEXT them. It takes them DAYS to respond if they respond at all.
You see pics on social media where they are at the bar. Or a restaurant. Or on a trip and a local one at that, and they didn’t invite you.
And speaking of the romantic relationships, potential or otherwise, lately it’s been “I don’t feel an attraction.” Or “I think we should just be friends.” And I’ve said it, too.
But I wonder if the through line is the feelings of abandonment and rejection I felt as a child?
I am going to answer in the affirmative for myself. I do link it back to childhood. Maybe if my parents had raised me, I would feel differently. But then again, if they didn’t pay me any attention, I probably would have still felt abandoned.
And I haven’t even tapped into the emotional abandonment. Well, that one came from my grandparents and aunt. Whenever I would act up or become seemingly too much to handle, my grandmother would retort “I wish your mama and daddy would take you back!”
So, there was the fear of abandonment. And that actually hurt me the most.
But then there were also the threats that my grandmother was going to leave. And as I now know, over my grandfather’s affairs. Child, 1002 Montgomery Street was a hot mess back in the day!! Please click on the link below to read that story:
I am not mad at my family or upset with them (anymore) LOLOL I am simply putting the pieces of the puzzle together so that when these negative feelings crop up again, and surely they will, I will know where they come from and how to deal with them in a mature manner.
Feeling abandoned can be extremely tough, especially during the holidays. And here I am writing about it at this time! But remember, if you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
That’s it, everyone. Next week, I am going to talk about taking a break from social murder, I mean social media. 😉😊 Stay tuned! Until then, please be safe and have a wonderful, Merry whatever you celebrate or don’t, at this time of year, and Season’s Greetings, etc.!!
Sources (and great reads that go more in depth on the subject. Please read)!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
