Why Are You Still Stuck in that TOXIC Relationship/Job/Situation??? i.e. What’s in it for YOU????

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back to another wild ride to maintain our sanity!! Woo hoo!

Today, I wish to delve into something that I discovered about life and the choices I/we make in this life. And let’s face it, a lot of our lives revolve around the following:

• Relationships (typically romantic, but of course family and friends).
• Our jobs and careers.
• And any other life situation, like living arrangements or where you live, et al.

But what do you do when you find yourself stuck in this ENDLESS cycle with the same job. The same people. The same relationship. The same tired situation that you have been stuck in for the last several hundred/million years? And worse yet, it hasn’t gone anywhere or improved. More importantly, are you happy in said situation? We have ALL been there.

Relationships

They are EVERYWHERE! People who are married, partnered, dating, together, etc. You cannot escape these people. And they LOOK happy (ESPECIALLY on social media). But sometimes beneath the surface, there is a lot more going on. Maybe one of them is NOT as happy as the other. Maybe they are BOTH unhappy. Maybe there is some sort of abuse going on, whether physical, mental or emotional. Maybe one is a substance abuser. Maybe one works long hours and barely has time for the other. You get the picture. But the question is if you are involved in a dead-end relationship, are you happy? Well. Are you? And if you are unhappy with the situation, why are you staying? Uh oh. Here we go:

• If I leave him/her, I will have no one.
• I will be all alone.
• Well, I’m USED to the _______________ — whatever it is. (You can insert in the blank any of the following: Drinking. Drugs. Loneliness. His/her long work hours. His/her toxic family. The cheating. The condescension. The lack of sex. The mental/emotional/physical abuse).

But why do we settle? Do we not know our worth? I do realize that in any relationship, there is something you are going to have to “put up with,” (let’s hope it is something simple as snoring, which can be annoying, too). But I think if it interferes with YOUR happiness or mental wellbeing (because isn’t this what this is about??), then is it worth it? I am definitely no relationship expert, but I most certainly have had my fair share of them, and I know what I will put up with and what I won’t. And I think it all boils down to self-respect. Or do you just want to be in a relationship to say that you are in a relationship? And I know it is easier said than done to just up and leave or end things. There may be kids or a house in both names, property, etc. But it is also fair to think about where you are headed in said relationship.

Jobs

Picture it Atlanta, sometime in the 21st century. A beautiful and handsome – well to be honest HOT, GBM (gay black male – yes, me bitches!! LOL) works for a company that is “supposed to be fun.” A company where he/I get to display my talents as an actor, playwright, singer, director and musical director. And the first few years WERE fun. It was like being in a dream, especially a certain component of my job which allowed me freedom and mobility in the community. However, over time it became quite clear that there was no leadership, no true direction, and TPTB (the powers that be) did NOT value their employees. It was more CORPORATE driven than ACTOR/ENTERTAINMENT driven. It was supposed to be educational, but there was always a battle as to the best way to make that happen. Eventually, the workload from the “boss” (or one of them, actually, because we had several), the workload transferred from our main boss to the acting team. I am talking the scripts, the directing, the musical direction. All of it. At first, it seemed like a good idea, but it became quite clear who the team players were and who wanted to hog the spotlight for themselves, and who wanted to be in control of EVERYTHING. This particular workplace eventually grew to be one of the most toxic work environments I have EVER encountered. And hell, I thought when I first arrived in Atlanta back in 1993 to teach was bad. Oh girl!!

After seven years of this nonsense, I finally had had enough, especially after another one of my bosses began to judge me on my facial expressions when I came into work, i.e. I didn’t LOOK like I wanted to be there. I DIDN’T! Newsflash: When you do not treat your employees properly, why would they want to even appear to look like they wish to be there? And I’m the type of person who does NOT hide their feelings or facial expressions. Though, I’m an actor, I definitely am not fake.

Anyway, I was not judged on my work performance because when I asked, this person said, and I quote, ‘Well. I haven’t seen you on the floor with the parents and children. So, I don’t know. I’ve just seen you back here.’ (meaning offstage). Insert major eye roll here. So, you are judging me on my FACIAL EXPRESSIONS. NOT my actual WORK PERFORMANCE. Okay. As actors we do our thing in front of the audience, but when we hit backstage we are ourselves. But this was “corporate,” so apparently you had to pretend you like being at work. You know, the fake way a lot of you do. Yeah. I said it. Mind you, I didn’t say not one cross word to any of the “corporate” people ever. I was always cordial. But my face! Oh BROTHER! Such rubbish! (This is exactly why actors HATE working in corporate!!!!!!)

Anyway, I should have sued. But to preserve my mental state and wellbeing, I left. And I have NOT looked back since. I have not even allowed myself to be in a toxic work situation like the one I just described. Where I am currently is the complete OPPOSITE of the nonsense I just described above. We are valued and respected. No fake positive people at all. Everyone is very sincere. So, when I show up for work, I am who I REALLY am. A fun and happy person. Put me in a toxic, negative situation, I am the environment I am in. And that is NOT good for one’s mental state.

But, of course, I can understand the reasons why people would choose to stay in a job, even a very bad one:

• Jobs are hard to find.
• The money is good. So, what if my boss treats me like trash?
• I’m too old to start over.
• I’ve got mouths to feed, including mine.

And the list goes on and on and on.

But ask yourself this question. What is in it for you? What do you get out of being in a toxic situation? Is it money? Sex? Power? Comfort? Ahhhh comfort. Some people REALLY don’t wish to get out of their comfort zone. Again, I understand. I’ve been there. But the older I get, the more I realize that nothing is worth my mental health and wellbeing, including being comfortable.

Living Situations

Ah the dreaded living situation. Well, as you have read in my previous posts, my roommate moved out two months ago. THANK GOD! And he is not missed. This one can be a tricky one, as well, because no doubt of finances. And also, what if you are living with your parents? Again, that could be a financial situation or perhaps you are the caregiver.

So, let me just speak from the roommate perspective. I am NOT a roommate person. And I knew this wayyyyyy back in college during the 80s. I just can’t deal with a roommate. However, because of money, I felt I had to have one. But not anymore. I have decided for my mental wellbeing to just take the plunge and go it alone, which is what I should have been doing all along since I left home at 18!!! Or at least when I realized I can’t live with other people.

Two BRILLIANT examples of escape from ANY situation, whether relationship, jobs, etc.

I realized that there are two examples that represent escaping a horrible, toxic situation. Though these examples really pertain to romantic relationships, I think they can apply to ANY horrible situation, because of the fact that there is a breaking away of said situation. And yes, these are movies. LOL

The first one is “The Color Purple.” Yes, THE COLOR PURPLE is a great example of FINALLY breaking free of a toxic situation – as an abused and put-upon Celie, portrayed in the movie by Whoopi Goldberg, of course, finally leaves her husband after many years of physical, mental, and emotional abuse. When Celie chooses to leave, I feel that jubilation, that weight being lifted off when you at long last break free of this horrible situation that has numbed your mind, body and soul FOR DECADES!!!!!

Bit of trivia: “The Color Purple” was filmed very close to where I grew up in Wadesboro, N.C. The exterior shot of the courthouse towards the end of the film is actually the courthouse in my hometown!!! And there are SEVERAL familiar faces in the church scenes, people I grew up with and/or went to school with!!!!

You experience that same freedom in Tina Turner’s story displayed brilliantly in the movie “What’s Love Got To Do with It?” starring the fabulous Angela Bassett. That moment when Tina, who is bloodied, bruised and tired from yet another beatdown from Ike Turner, runs across that highway escaping from him, running to the hotel across the street, oh my GOD! I am in TEARS!!!!!!! I have a breakdown moment, because I am sooooo happy for her!!! By the way, I saw this movie THREE times in the theater before I moved to Atlanta!!!! It was THAT powerful!!!!

Believe me, when you’ve had enough, you’ve had ENOUGH!!!

So, in summation, why are you staying in whatever has you stuck? What is in it for YOU? Because there is ALWAYS something, a reason. And most importantly, are you happy? Perhaps you haven’t asked yourself yet. Ask yourself today. Tonight. Right now. After all Celie got out. Tina got out. And yours truly got the hell out.

Well, that’s all I have today. Make sure to leave a comment below.

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I am hoping this provides some help to you. And as always, please be mentally well!!!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).