Month: September 2022

Good day, all my pals! I do hope you are doing well.

So, much has happened since my last blog post.

The Queen of England has died.

A longtime friend of mine died.

ANOTHER friend’s child died suddenly.

I figured it was time to have a discussion about the thing that probably frightens most of us: Death.

Death. Mort. Defunct. Gone. Deceased. Passed away. What can I say? These words and terms are loathsome, frightening, daunting, terrifying. No one truly knows what happens at the moment someone passes from this world into the next – if there is a next world. Sure, there are people all over the Internet with claims that they “died” for several minutes and either went to the Pearly Gates or the fiery depths below and returned to tell the tale. But why don’t we ask those who have actually been dead for sometime what it is like and where you go?

And it is not that I don’t believe the individuals who have claimed to have passed to the other side. But I was also thinking – like many others perhaps – that it was just a dream. Who knows? We will not surely know until it is our turn.

But this isn’t a post about dying itself and the afterlife, etc. This is actually about what happens to the rest of us when someone we care about dies.

Ye Olde Grim Reaper will undoubtedly visit all of us someday. I do not wish to turn this into a religious post about the hereafter – blah, blah, blah. And this post is not about one’s personal belief systems on the subject.

I actually desire to converse on not happens when we die, but what happens to those of us who are left behind once someone beloved has passed away.

What are the feelings and emotions?

How do we cope?

What do we say to those people who have lost loved ones?

Red is Dead

Death makes you realize that, yes, life can end suddenly and without warning, which is exactly what happened to a longtime friend. There was an overwhelming sense of numbness and pathos associated with this particular death, because this friend collapsed at home. His roommate rushed him to the hospital, but sadly it was too late.

I shall call him Red. To say that Red was a character, who exemplified being totally in-your-face with his life, is an understatement. Sporting a colorful mohawk – mostly purple, as I think that was his favorite color – he would take to the Atlanta gay bars in his tight, equally colorful leggings. And EVERYBODY LOVED Red and his zany sense of humor.

I forget the year I met Red and which bar, but he was so much fun and spirited in an unassuming way. I suppose his outfits and hair took care of that. He was also a very talented songbird, and he did drag. But those weren’t his only interests. He was also a member of the Atlanta Bucks, the rugby team for gay men.

My best memory of Red – other than us trading videos on Facebook of Krystle Carrington and Alexis Carrington Colby duking it out on Dynasty – was around Halloween 2014, we took to Hideaway dressed up as Charlie’s Angels. More specifically, from the “Angels in Chains” episode. And yes, that meant that we, along with another longtime friend and former roommate, were all chained to each other all night long! It was hilarious to say the least.

So, when I learned of his death, oddly enough on September 11 (he passed away the night before), I was shocked and in total disbelief. I had seen him a couple of times a few weeks prior at the Hideaway, one of his fave hangout spots. We shared a hug and talked and laughed and cut up and had a ball. Learning of his passing was tough, considering it really just happened out of the blue.

Everyone was completely devastated over his death. On September 11, of all days, I had to sit and process the fact that the gay community’s beloved Red was gone. And at my age of 55. He was to turn 56 in December.

End of a Queenly Era

As for the Queen, well she was up there in age, 96 years in fact. So, it is of no surprise that she passed away. And I don’t mean that callously. However, age certainly doesn’t preclude the lachrymose feelings someone may have over someone’s death. Queen Elizabeth II left behind children and grandchildren, after all, and she was a much loved grand lady.

Though she was 96, still finding out about the Queen was a shocker, mainly because she had been around for so long you just take it for granted that she would still be with us for a while. I honestly didn’t think Charles would go from being Prince to King – well, so quickly. But here we are. Prince Charles is now KING Charles.

Everyone around the globe is still mourning her death. She reigned for over 70 years! And in my opinion, she was quite a gracious lady. And she even had a robust sense of humor!

And I am so thankful that I FINALLY got a chance to visit England this spring for my birthday. I have plenty of pics and video of Buckingham Palace and the Changing of the Guard. I am smiling now from the wonderful memories. Le sigh …

The Changes Following a Death

A death ALWAYS brings about some sort of change.

There is that emptiness, that void, that canyon of “what do I do now?” And those changes are certainly different for everyone. Again, Prince Charles is now KING CHARLES.

Perhaps there is property to deal with, money, estates, inheritances, children left behind, etc. But I think that biggest change always comes back to this feeling of emptiness, loss, and even loneliness. And yes, uncertainty. Uncertainty of what do I do now? How do I go on?

I can almost guarantee that a great majority of people who experience losing a loved one or a friend or family member is privately and silently asking themselves those key questions.

And I am afraid I don’t have the answers. And this post, unfortunately, will probably not offer any answers, I’m afraid. Simply because everyone is different in their approach to coping with someone’s death.

The Coping

I kid you not when I say that when my beloved grandmother, Costella, passed away in February of 1998, the night following the funeral, I went to Raleigh to the Capital Corral and partied! (I even ran into Javier that night). I am sure numerous individuals are absolutely appalled at the notion of doing such a thing. But I did what I felt I needed to do in order to cope with losing her. She was a second mother to me, after all. And me going to the club was NOT a celebration or a “Yayyy I’m glad she’s dead” kind of thing at all. It was my RELEASE of intense emotions and sadness. I needed to be around people OTHER than family, other than the grief. I needed to be around dancing people and damn good music. And yes, ALCOHOL!!

I am not defending my choice; I am just stating every person is different in their approach to handling the unthinkable and unimaginable concept called death.

It is understandable that people would turn to a Higher Power or God and/or religion. As previously stated in my recent series on religion, having a spiritual life can offer some comfort to those faced with the loss of a loved one. Solace can be found through prayer and comfort from an emissary or representative of God, such as a priest or a pastor and simply other members of a church, synagogue or mosque. Many do find comfort through these avenues during such a difficult time.

The Unexpected Loss of a Child

Unexpected deaths just plainly suck. You are not at all prepared for them like in the case of someone of very advanced age or what I call lingering illnesses. The unexpected deaths are shattering, and you are not at all prepared. And this was the case with my grandmother. Her death was unexpected. Actually, both of my grandmothers were that way. One minute they were here and the next they were gone.

But the worst unexpected death, in my opinion, is the loss of a child. Actually, losing a child period is the worst, I would imagine. First of all, I have no idea what that is like since I have no children. However, I know of two people who are most recently enduring such a horrific circumstance.

One is a coworker and the other is a high school classmate. The coworker lost their child due to police violence. And before I go any further, I will divulge that the coworker’s child, who was in their late 20s, was unarmed. It was a mental health issue actually, which of course is the purpose of my blog. I cannot begin to imagine the pain, frustration, anger, and grief my coworker is going through, and especially the way her child perished senselessly. It is unconscionable. This was a case of the police, ONCE AGAIN, shooting first and asking questions and getting the facts after. And I shall not apologize for my bias on this issue.

As for my classmate, her child was only 18 years of age. And from what I understand, he died in his sleep. The crushing heaviness of such a blow is understandably devastating. Again, I have no idea what this would feel like, but to lose a child in this way is also unthinkable. Again, to lose a child PERIOD is unthinkable. One minute fine and active and happy and in this case, in their first year of college, and then suddenly gone.

YOUR feelings – whatever they may be!!

You are numb. You are angry. You are lost. You are without words. You are in a cesspool of soul-sinking grief. The tears just won’t stop!

You feel like your mind is going to snap. You feel like it already has. You feel you have nowhere to turn.

Perhaps you are tired of hearing everyone say how sorry they are or that they offer their condolences, etc. Nice to hear but it certainly isn’t going to bring your person back. They mean well. But honestly, none of us knows exactly what to say. There are people who try and say “oh, well they are in a better place.” And how would you know WHERE they are?

In the case of a lingering illness, others may say “it’s for the best” or “they’re at peace and no longer suffering,” or even “they are with so and so now.” I honestly try and stay away from assumptions like this, because again, we really don’t know.

But what DO you say???

Maybe the best way to approach someone who is suffering a loss is to just offer to be there for whatever. A sounding board. An opportunity to vent. Cry. Scream. Remember fondly. Talk. Get their mind off things. And yes, to bring food. This is certainly a tradition for a lot of people and cultures, actually, to bring food so the bereaved don’t have to worry about things like that.

Or if that person has lost a spouse, and there are young children left behind, perhaps offering to take the children for a bit or take the children out to the park or the movies, etc.

By the way, silence is okay. It may feel awkward or uncomfortable, but sometimes all a grieving person needs is your physical presence without words. That is definitely okay. Be okay with sitting in silence with the bereaved.

Again, everyone is different.

What Does Grief Do to Your Brain/Mind?

But speaking of the mind, what does grief do to your brain? Your mind? Your mental health?

Well, some people may have what is considered, I suppose, a “normal” grieving process – whatever normal means for them. Some may need more time than others. Therefore, I hesitate to put a timeframe on grief, though I feel there are certainly stages of grief – disbelief, sadness, anger, acceptance. However, if someone is gravitating towards full-on depression, then that could be a problem. Or if that person, let’s say, can’t get out of bed or is having a difficult time handling their responsibilities or distancing themselves away from family or friends or loved ones, then we are talking serious issues.

I truly believe anyone going through a grieving process needs a lifeline to someone else. No one should go through a loss alone, and anyone who vows to stand by that person should be prepared for whatever the grieving person needs as stated earlier.

And I think anyone going through the loss of a loved one or friend should take time to grieve. Make that time for yourself. Yes, absolutely be alone if you need to do that. But make time for others when you feel ready. You’ll know when you are ready for that. Again, everyone deals with their grief in their own way.

However, if it is taking an inordinate amount of time or you are turning to unhealthy choices in order to cope or, heaven forbid, you feel like you want to join your loved one in death and you are having suicidal ideation, please seek help. And online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:

This is a pretty heavy-duty topic, and I know I have discussed a great deal in relation to death and dying, yet I feel I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface. By all means if you feel led to do so, please leave me a comment below.

And I also wish to add that two of the most poignant deaths for me personally are my grandmother Costella and my friend Charles Baxter Enzor. I have honestly NEVER gotten over losing them and miss them to do this day. However, I do go on since it has been YEARS since their passing. But I do have all the fond memories, thankfully.

Well, that’s it. I thank you for reading. Until the next time and in the meantime, please be safe and, as always, mentally well.

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Hello, my friends! Welcome back!!

I have a confession to make: Big surprise here to those people who know me – NOT! – but I realize over the years I have become easily irritated.

I am, again, going to be as transparent as possible. And as always, hoping to connect with others like me and trying to figure out a way to deal with or handle or even fix the problem, which has always been the purpose of my posts.

So, why do I get so easily irritated? And can I fix this?

Of course, one can become irritated with friends and family and loved ones and children and spouses and coworkers and crowds and sitting in traffic etc., for many different reasons. Okay. I should have just said one can become irritated with human beings. And I had to realize that is normal, actually.

But what if you become bothered and irritated over every little thing?

Oh and I think I get so easily irritated because I am constantly thinking, ‘why did so and so do that?’ Or ‘why did so and so do it THAT way?’ There is a better way. And I am always thinking that people are being so thoughtless, thinking the entire world revolves around them.

All this time I am thinking I am just a bitter person. There is something wrong with me. But after reading a couple of articles, I began to realize that perhaps my irritation really comes from simply not getting enough sleep.

So, maybe it’s not just that I am tired of people and life. Maybe I’m just TIRED.

I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in AGES! Even after having bought my brand-new bed a couple of years ago, I still don’t feel I am as rested as I should be. I toss and turn all night and have the strangest dreams. Well, the strange dreams is nothing new, but in the past, I have at least been able to sleep mostly through the night and feel somewhat rested. But not anymore. Also, I get up early in the morning to accomplish my tasks, such as writing this blog. 😊

And I end up napping later in the day, sometimes for a couple of hours. (Maybe I’m interrupting my own sleep pattern by doing this.)

So, regurgitating all this word salad to say that no wonder one would feel irritable if you haven’t had a good night’s sleep. I’m a real BITCH when I first get up, tumbling out of bed and stumbling to the kitchen to pour myself a cup of ambition 😂🤣 Nine to Five 🎶 – (actually, it’s the bathroom first to pee. THEN the kitchen for the coffee! 😁)

And it goes without saying that this can certainly affect not only your mood but your mental health. When you are tired, you can’t focus or concentrate. And other studies report that there could be underlying stress, anxiety and depression related to all of this.

I can see the connection now. It is almost like a circle or a cycle. Life is stressing you out. You feel anxious about something or circumstances. This could potentially keep you up at night and, therefore, cause you to not get the proper amount of sleep or rest. You are tired the next day, which can make you quite irritated with those around you, which in turn can cause even more stress.

And then you add possible depression on top of all that, which could be a cause for the irritability.

But let’s not forget about the potential or underlying physical symptoms associated with the stress and the anxiety and the depression, such as:

• A racing heartbeat.
• Excessive sweating.
• Nausea and even vomiting.
• The aforementioned difficulty concentrating.
• Muscle tension.
• Headaches.

Boy what a mess! The causes and the symptoms seemingly rolling into one big ball of caca. And it is true.

I wish to state that, of course, if you feel your irritability is extreme, then perhaps seeking the attention of a medical professional is recommended. There could be other underlying medical causes than just a lack of sleep, such as hormonal changes or low blood sugar levels or even chronic conditions such as diabetes or even heart problems.

So, yes see a doctor if this persists.

But what can you do in the meantime to help with your sleep or the lack thereof?

Simply saying get more sleep is not an answer. I mean, that is obvious. But what can you do to help you sleep better?

I know a lot of people who have taken to using supplements, such as melatonin. (Melatonin is actually a natural hormone in your body that controls your sleep-wake cycle.) I tried that and it didn’t work for me. I even tried sleeping pills, and I have to be careful with those because if I take two tablets, I am soooooooo drowsy the next day. Others swear by CBD oil.

I would suggest before taking any sleep aids, PLEASE CONSULT YOUR PHYSICIAN!!

However, rather than relying on over-the-counter medications and supplements, there are other things you can do to give you better sleep.

It has been suggested to turn your TV off about an hour before bed. And to do the same with your phone. Our eyes are especially glued to our phones all day long. The blue light from your phone screen actually inhibits your body’s natural melatonin.

And I am soooooo guilty of both!

However, what I have found that is beginning to work for me is actually having my TV on, but not actually looking at it. I set a sleep timer for my TV to turn off in about an hour. I find myself quickly falling asleep and staying asleep for hours.

Also make sure your room is completely dark.

Soft music has been known to help, too.

Try flipping your bed’s mattress, as well. Depending on the age and type of your mattress, it is suggested that you flip or rotate your mattress anywhere from 1 to even 5 times per year!

I realize I am only scratching the surface here when it comes to sleep. There are obviously other things to try in terms of getting a better night’s rest. And certainly reducing stress, as much as humanly possible, from your life is the way to go.

I hope some of these work for you. Better sleep means better concentration and better mental health!

But remember, if you feel that your irritability is out of control and you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:

That’s it today, my friends. So, until next time, please be safe and, as always, mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

SOURCES:

Greetings, my friends!

“Are you tired? Run down? Listless?”

“Do you poop out at parties??” LOL Taken from I Love Lucy. Check it out. It’s funny, and let’s face it – we could ALL use a laugh!

I am starting with one of my jokes to ease the fact that I am totally suffering from COVID and monkey pox and/or the new virus/disease of the century fatigue!! And I am totally over it!

So, consider this my little rant. And this is NOT a political post for or against vaccines, by the way.

How do you cope with COVID and monkey pox fatigue?!! In other words, how do you cope with being totally sick and tired of hearing about and living with the latest disease or pox of the day? The “Disease du Jour” (Disease of the Day), as I like to call it.

Okay. So, we are nearly 2-1/2 years into the COVID-19 pandemic. And I am BEYOND sick of it! I feel like I need to surgically attach the mask to my face.

The New Pox Upon Our Houses

All of this is making mincemeat of my mental health. It was bad enough to worry about – and still worry about – COVID. And if that isn’t bad enough, now we are seeing this new virus called monkeypox that comes along as if to say “hold my beer.” I mean, as soon as you get used to living in a COVID world, here comes the latest pox upon our houses – the monkeypox.

You experience fever, rash, chills, headaches – you know, like the flu – with monkeypox. But the most distinguishing sign of monkeypox is the horrible rash that spreads across your body, particularly on your face. They look like these God-awful blisters. Doctors and scientists say you can recover from monkeypox and it isn’t a death sentence. But still …

What next? I guarantee you there will be some new germ to fixate on by the end of the year or the first of the New Year!

Monkeypox was actually first discovered in 1958. As the name suggests, it first affected monkeys, but then the first human case came about in 1970. Typically, the virus was found in humans in central and western African countries. And I think it goes without saying, that it won’t be long before this is politicized and used as a stigma against these countries and, heaven forbid, monkeys!

The scientists are already suggesting that the virus is being spread quite rapidly through the gay community. Okay, cue and flashback to the AIDS crisis of the 80s. Stigma much?

Step Right up and Get your Latest Vaccine!!

We not only have the COVID vaccines, but now the monkeypox vaccines. And there seems to be an almost panic with trying to get the monkeypox vaccine. And yes, I am both COVID vaxxed and twice boosted (though now it seems that because of the new variants, this may or may not do any good after all!). And I have now received the first of two doses of the monkeypox vaccine.

But I am so sick and tired of all of this. I feel like I am starting kindergarten all over again, you know, back in the Stone Ages when you had to be vaccinated against everything before you were allowed to start school.

Now, of course you have anti-vaxxers who cry foul over having their children vaccinated. And who will not get vaccinated against COVID at all, and they no doubt will not get vaccinated against monkeypox. Oh. Well.

The Effects of Disease Du Jour on your Mental Health

Thanks to COVID, I feel like I shouldn’t touch any surfaces other than my own at home, that I need to wipe EVERYTHING down. And now because of monkeypox, I also feel like I cannot or should not hug anybody, friends included. I feel like I am living in some sort of Twilight Zone-type, post-apocalyptic world. And it is very tiring. Tiring to worry about your health and germs constantly. Tiring to remember to wear a mask. Tiring to worry whether you are going to catch something so horrible by doing something so innocent.

This sort of mental anguish places one in a high state of panic and anxiety, and that is not good. And especially for someone like me who already suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and intrusive thoughts, it is downright torture.

Cope, Baby, COPE!

So, how does one cope with this madness?

1. I do the best I can to stay healthy.
2. And yes, I get the vaccines. It is, of course, your choice if you don’t. No judgments.
3. Distractions such as music and TV and, of course, blogging and writing help me.
4. Staying positive and focused.
5. Not focusing on it so much.
6. Exercise, if that is your thing.
7. Try NOT to stress eat!! (see my link below on that subject!)

I am THE Biggest Stress Eater in the World!

I have written extensively on positive coping mechanisms, and this is a good time to bring them back up in the face of this BS we are all currently going through:

1. First of all, it’s NOT the end of the world. I think there may be the thought, particularly by Bible thumpers, that we are all doomed. That Armageddon is upon us. I don’t believe that. I think it is a wakeup call to a lot of stuff that is going on in our world, though.
2. Do yourself a favor and get vaccinated (if you believe in vaccines). I am not here to preach for or against. But you know what is best for you.
3. But, yes, do your own research on these vaccines! Again, if you feel skeptical, by all means research what could potentially be going into your body.
4. Practice mindfulness. I have also “preached” extensively on this topic. What is mindfulness? It is when you choose to empty your mind of all thoughts, especially bad ones. Easier said than done, right? But doable. There are several techniques to this. One technique is to imagine your thoughts in a balloon floating away. I feel it is best to listen to guided meditation tapes, any of which you can find on YouTube. You can also choose what you wish to focus on, like the beach. Or the sun. Or a quiet and peaceful place.
5. Music! Music! And more music! I am a HUGE advocate of listening to music to chase away the fears and the blahs and mental boogeymen. So, crank up your favorite tunes!
6. And you may even want to dance when doing so, which brings up another good one – dancing!! I live for 80s nights at the Heretic here in Atlanta. But of course you can always choose to … wait for it …
7. EXERCISE! Working out, running, biking, etc. – some form of physical activity to get your mind off things and to boost your endorphins, which is a mood enhancer and aids in fighting anxiety and depression.
8. Read a book!! Heck, just read! But I personally like the old school reading of a good book or a novel. I would suggest reading a good self-help book, too. I also love biographies and autobiographies of my favorite celebrities. Reading about someone else’s life helps you forget about the miseries in your own.
9. Any hobby will do. Pick up something fun and interesting and entertaining to do to keep your mind focused on something else. Cooking, sewing, martial arts, playing an instrument, etc.
10. Lose yourself in TV. That’s right TV. A good movie or TV show can certainly get your mind off of worrying about COVID, monkeypox or anything in general.

The above list, with the exception of the first 3, can apply to anything that is bothering/worrying you.

But remember, if you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:

Dealing with the disease du jour can be taxing. But stay positive. And I don’t say that lightly. Thank you all for listening to my little rant. Please feel free to leave me a comment below. And stay safe, healthy, and as always, be mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).