Welcome back, everybody! I do hope all of you are doing well!
I have been wanting to write about narcissistic parents/caregivers, for a long time.
If you are not sure what that really means, then I shall define it as a parent who is EXTREMELY self-centered and thinks they are right about EVERYTHING. They also have an overexaggerated sense of self importance and totally disregard everyone else’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Everything is about THEM and everything centers around THEM. And there really is no arguing with them on any topic because, again, they are always right. Well, according to them.
If you don’t have a narcissistic parent, boy are you lucky. My father is ABSOLUTELY a narcissistic parent, hence part of the reason I am writing this post. I don’t really want to do an entire blog post about him. However, I will bring up the traits of this type of parent in this first part, and you bet your sweet tootsie I will be bringing up my father.
In part 2 of another blog post, I will discuss how it can affect you.
And in part 3, we will talk about coping strategies in dealing with these monsters. Because they are monsters.
I have described some of the traits and signs above already. But here are some more. Some may be repeated or expounded upon.
One thing I have noticed about my narcissistic father is that he MUST be the center of attention when around others. In other words, he monopolizes the conversation, normally talking about himself.
When confronted with anything, the narcissistic parent – from now on known as “NP” because I am too lazy to continue to type it out! 😁😁😁😊😊😊 – anyway, when anyone disagrees with the NP or the NP is confronted, they EXPLODE in anger! Oh boy, that is my NP!!! It has gotten soooooo bad, that I only call him on holidays and his birthday and try to get off the phone within 15 minutes to avoid an argument! And being around him during Christmas, well, the other members of my family are sitting on pins and needles hoping and praying my NP and I don’t get into a fight!
The NP is not a good arguer. Once again, the NP is RIGHT about EVERYTHING. You cannot have a difference of opinion with your NP. You MUST agree with EVERYTHING they say. (Notice how I am capitalizing the word “EVERYTHING!”) 😊
The NP constantly puts down their children, normally by taking cheap shots. For example (and now I will give a most recent example from my father), back in June, my family and I decided to visit my aunt in North Carolina, who is currently in an assisted living facility. When the visit was over and everyone was at their respective cars about to return to their respective states, I hugged my father and he said to me “oh and lose some weight.” Cricket. Cricket. Chirp. Chirp. Normally, I would have cussed him out. HOWEVER, I decided to – for once – take the high road. I said “Okay! On that note, goodbye everyone and safe travels.” And got in my car and left. But this is just an example of the kind of crap he has said to me my entire life. And for the record, for once, I did NOT let his hateful words bother me.
One thing about having an NP is that you are constantly feeling like you need to keep the peace, and that is normally by keeping your mouth shut. How many times was I told by my grandmother and aunt to not say anything back to my father? And this is coming from his own mother and sister! So, you can imagine how bad it was. Is.
But this is one of the ways you deal with an NP. You keep the peace. Or try at least.
And one of the NP’s favorite phrases is “you don’t listen.” Kinda hard to listen to someone who is yelling at you or constantly criticizing you. The NP says you don’t want to hear what they have to say. And guess what? NOBODY DOES!
And conversely, the NP doesn’t want to listen to you. They normally cut you off when you are trying to have a conversation with them. And especially in the middle of an argument.
Everything is YOUR fault! The NP does NOT take responsibility for anything. They are entirely blameless.
Also, the NP feels they are entitled and privileged. They have a rather exaggerated and grandiose sense of self importance.
Example from my own life with my NP: When my Aunt Sadie passed away years ago, my parents and brother came down here to Georgia for the funeral since she lived in Stone Mountain.
Following the funeral, everyone went to the repast, which was in another location. Well, my family was the first to arrive, and my father wanted to eat IMMEDIATELY. My mother, brother and I told him to wait until the rest of the family arrived. Oh but he wasn’t having that. As a matter of fact, when my brother tried to stop him, the two of them engaged in a brief shoving match!!!!! And this was actually in front of people, including a few family members!
Which brings me to another point, the NP is utterly shameless. They are shameless in terms of not caring where they are when they get aggressive and confrontational. They don’t care who hears and who sees because, again, they are always right. How many times has my NP “shown out” in front of others? There are too many embarrassing, shameless moments that my NP has engaged in to count.
The NP is competitive with, and sometimes jealous of, their own children. I was told on a number of occasions growing up that my father was actually jealous of me. And I really didn’t understand that or know why. But then I got it when I realized I had many more advantages than he had gotten when HE was a child. My grandparents and aunt lavished me with money, instruments (mainly the trumpet), birthday parties, school outings, etc. And these were things that he didn’t get. But what he needed to understand is that he came up in a different time than I did where some of those things weren’t available to him. Plus, I had more people, more family members to help me out.
And the biggest sticking point is the fact that I actually graduated from college, whereas he was thrown out for being lazy and not attending class!!!!
Speaking of graduating, when I graduated high school, my father didn’t congratulate me. Instead he told me that that was something I was expected to do. That it wasn’t a big deal. That hurt.
Also, my grandfather bought me a car before I even graduated high school. And my father told me that he was NEVER going to buy me one!
The NP also constantly criticizes and “jokes” with their child and not in a funny, good-natured way, but in a mean-spirited way. And once again, my NP CONSTANTLY did this to me and my brother growing up. And as evidenced by the weight loss thing, my NP still does.
The NP makes negative comparisons between you and your siblings. The NP will make such statements as “why can’t you be more like your brother?” Or – “Your sister would never do that. You must be adopted.” Or “Both your brother and sister went to college. What’s your problem?” Or something along those lines. You get the picture. My father used to say that I was jealous of my brother. And this started when he was a baby!!!! Projection much??
All right. This concludes Part 1.
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That is it for now. Next week in Part 2, I will discuss how having an NP makes you feel. So, stay tuned!
In the meantime, my dear friends, please be safe and mentally well!
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DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
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