Hello, everybody!
Welcome back to another trip down Derek’s warped memory lane.
I started all of this actually back on Halloween, talking about one of my “men.” Then I decided to turn it into a full-blown three-part series. Here is Part 1, which discusses men from my time in North Carolina. Check it out!
And Part 2 picks up in Atlanta.
This third and final part is the wrap-up. And believe me, there could be up to, and possibly over, 10 parts to my chasing after these bozos. 😁😂
So, why am I coming forward with all of this? Why am I putting myself out there? Because, it was certainly a lesson learned. For one, sure go after what you want. BUT, don’t make a fool of yourself over someone who doesn’t return the sentiment or the feelings.
And why on Earth did I do these things? I think part of it was the excitement of the chase. And also when I first came out, I thought I HAD to have a man. And I also thought it would be pretty easy to get one.
I felt I needed a man to “complete” me. Society says you’re not complete unless you have someone. After all, people congratulate you for being coupled, yet they do not congratulate you for being single and being able to stand on your own. They think being alone signifies weakness and that NOBODY wants you. However, if you are coupled, married, partnered, etc. you must truly be something special.
The chasing was new and exciting and adventurous and, quite honestly, FUN! Even if it didn’t get me anywhere.
Plus I’m a Taurus with his Venus in Cancer and Moon in Leo. ☺❤ In a nutshell, that means I am super romantic. Or super foolish! 🤣😂
And to be honest, I went after these guys because I was horny! 🤣😂😂 And also, I was a little cocky, thinking I was hot stuff back then. So, I strutted my stuff! 😂🤣
Speaking of, reminds me of how I used to wear the tightest T-shirts and shorts during the summertime, especially when I was after Mr. Enzor.
And just a reminder of what I was up against with Charles, the photo above of Sam Elliot. Because, again, Charles was the SPITTING IMAGE of Sam back then!! WOOF!!
Perhaps I wanted a father figure since mine was/is no good.
Or I was needy and lonely and needed someone to fill that void.
Perhaps it was my childhood. Oh hell! How the hell would I know?? 😂🤣
Or perhaps it was all of the above.
Let’s start with childhood, the potential root of it all.
I know, I know. EVERYTHING starts in childhood. It’s your childhood’s fault. Better yet, it’s your parents’ fault or grandparents’ fault or your caregivers’ fault, whomever raised you.
In my case, it was my grandparents and aunt. I am not BLAMING them, per se. However, I will say this, there was a void there growing up. I received all the toys and trinkets and trips and instruments and parties and compliments, etc. But when I look back upon it, there was something sinister and mean going on in that house. And I didn’t know it at the time, but it was my grandfather’s affairs that contributed to the toxicity and dysfunction of the Ratliff household.
The household was very angry at times.
The condescension towards me was mindboggling.
One of my grandmother’s fave phrases to me: “I’m sick of you! I wish ya mama and daddy would come get you!”
One of my grandfather’s fave phrases to me: “You’re gonna grow up to be sorry!” (meaning lazy and good for nothing.)
And my aunt would call me names, such as longhead. And she slapped me on occasion for being “mouthy.”
So, yes, some of this robbed me of my self-esteem. And yes, sometimes I felt unsure of myself and my place there in Wadesboro.
Now, I never felt unsafe. I just felt I couldn’t express myself.
And let’s not forget the bullying at school.
Later I (and underline I) became angry and bitter. In other words, I began emulating what I saw at 1002 Montgomery Street – my former home.
I became vengeful, starting in high school.
Sidebar to myself: But Derek, I think you loved as much as you could and were capable of, considering your upbringing and what you saw. I thought what I witnessed at 1002 Montgomery Street, i.e. my grandmother and grandfather fighting and arguing constantly was what it meant to be in a relationship.
And when I grew up and came out, I needed to be NEEDED. To be wanted. I needed someone to SAVE ME! To REALLY and TRULY accept me and tell me that I was okay, that I was worthy.
You see, these men were SUPPOSED to do that for me. Fix me and make me lovable and all right. And that just cannot be.
It’s not THEIR fault. They weren’t there at 1002. And they cannot “fix me.” Nobody can.
And no, I am not saying the typical things that one would say in these situations, you know the classic, textbook reasons for not loving yourself and doing destructive things in relationships. It really is true, as I reexamine myself under my Derek microscope.
There was an emptiness in me throughout all of the chasing, the foolishness and the craziness. Again, perhaps it sounds cliche, BUT there is SO much truth to it. I didn’t know who I was back then. And as a matter of fact, as I write this and reread it, I do not even recognize this person I am writing about. It literally is as if this is someone else’s story, someone else’s drama. But yep, it’s mine.
When I think back to what I put myself through, what I put these men through – it makes me sad. It sickens me, actually.
I wanted them to Stay by Me throughout my mania.
When I didn’t get what I wanted from them, I became angry and destructive. I did and said terrible things to them. I acted out like an angry, spoiled child. And deep down inside, I was SCREAMING “why don’t you love me???? Why can’t you fix me??? Why can’t you tell me I’m okay???”
It was pathetic.
I guess I didn’t love myself much back then. But also, I was so used to following behind Teresa and Bob Mills. And you see how that turned out!
I not only expected someone to fix me, but to heal me, too.
And now I know why I’m writing this. For deeper healing and understanding of myself.
And finally move on from all this. To finally move on from the neediness and the emptiness.
And to Go Solo, if necessary.
And to hopefully help someone else understand THEMSELVES!
But I know this now, for God’s sake, DON’T EVER chase after a man who is unavailable!! In any way, shape, or hot male form! 🤣
Now, I don’t chase after any gotdamn body! Let them chase after me for a change! I am sick and tired of this whole BS!
And if they don’t, I am totally fine with that. I wasted SOOOOOO much time with these jokers and tokers. No more. Let everyone else have all the relationship fun. And no, this ain’t bitterness. This is self-realization: These men were not good for me or my mental health!!!
I am doing what I should have done a long time ago: Stick to my work, my passions, my gay-rear – er career. 😂🤣😃
And I most certainly should have listened to Charles B. E. and “keep it light and airy.” Le sigh.
But as they say, lesson learned. And it is never too late to learn.
Remember: Don’t make a fool of yourself and chase after someone who doesn’t return the sentiment or the feelings.
That’s it for now. But before you depart, please check out my new website, The Derek Store. I’ve got goodies! 😊😂
This is my final post for the year. I want to wish everyone a SEASON’S GREETINGS, et al of whatever you celebrate during this time, if anything. Please be safe and mentally well, and I shall see you in New Year 2024! New posts starting back in January! So, see ya then!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
