October 2023 - Derek Writes

Hey, all!

I’ve decided that since today is Halloween, and soooooo many people really dig Halloween, that I would write a short and fun post on the subject. (Well, considering the story, maybe it isn’t quite so fun.) 🎃🦇👻

I am not necessarily as big a fan of Halloween, per se, as my counterparts, but I have certainly done my fair share of dressing up, both as a kid and as an adult. I have attended plenty of Halloween parties. And I have also gotten into trouble at Halloween. Here is such a story from 1989.

This occurred wayyyy back when I first came out. I was working at A Southern Season in Chapel Hill, in the bakery at the time, and if you’ve heard the story before, you know I simply referred to it as ASS. Because a lot of the people who worked there were just that: A bunch of asses.

And I recently learned that the place closed back in 2020 due to bankruptcy. Ha! Oh. Well. 😃

Anyhoo, it all started when I went to Andy Triana’s party. Andy and I were in the music department together at Carolina back then, and we were such good buddies. We were ALWAYS getting into trouble! At any rate, I started off dressing as a white man for his party. Or at least I TRIED to. I put on pancake makeup, donned a short wig designed for a white guy, and my father’s long leather coat. And off I went.

But where I really wanted to be was at the Power Company Halloween party that Phil Leonard had told me about. Because he was going to be there, too. Tee hee.

If I have never delved into the Phil story, he was 36 at the time, and I was 22. And I was madly in love with him. He also worked at ASS back then, but in the coffee section. He was so fucking sexy as hell! LOLOL He made going to ASS totally worth it!

Anyway, I ditched Andy’s party early on and off to the Power Company I went.

Oh I wrote a post about that joint, too, in talking about my other pal, Charles Enzor. Here it be. 😂🤣

Me and Charlie B.

I got to my home away from home, The Power Company (or PC as I used to call it), and there was Phil dressed as some sort of bird creature. And I had gotten rid of the makeup and was calling myself, James Brown, at this point.

Phil was very enthused to see me. We spent a lot of time talking and drinking. And drinking and talking. As a matter of fact, he really filled me in on the cast of characters at ASS. Talk about DRAMA! 🎭

And we danced. We danced to the fast stuff. And we even shared the closing slow number together, though he acted at first as if he was reluctant to do that. But he did it just the same. We closed the joint, and we walked outside together. And this is when it became my worst Halloween EVAH!!

For some reason, I spilled my feelings to him. Maybe it was the alcohol, I don’t know. But I told him how much I loved him. And that I wanted him to kiss me. He smiled and then he told me “No. I see us just as friends. As a matter of fact, I see us old, sitting in rocking chairs, together, as friends.” Well, I may be in the rocking chair, but you’ll be dead by then, buddy. I didn’t think that then, but I should have. 😂🤣

But get this, he kissed me ANYWAY! And yes, with tongue!!! It lasted what seemed like an eternity. And then he said good night, and that he would see me at work the next day.

He was parked close to the entrance of the bar. I was parked on that parking deck that I grew to know and love so much. And in the freezing cold, it was back to that wonderful friend, the parking deck, that I trudged to – in scalding tears.

Yes, tears. I had just been rejected. My first “romantic” rejection. But I think it was the kiss that put me over the edge. It was delicious. And wet. And warm. And sexy. And now when I think back to it, it was a kiss off.

Needless to say, I cried all the way back to my apartment. When I got home, I didn’t even bother to take off my clothes. I just curled up in a ball in the bathroom, still drunk mind you, and cried myself to sleep. On the floor.

When I woke up, I realized that I STILL had to go to work!!

And I was still on my bathroom floor!!! Yikes!!

So, I pulled myself together, showered and changed, and off to work I went.

Turns out the time had changed, too. We had fallen back, and I was a whole hour early for work!!! And one of my creepy coworkers who worked in the deli, and who was also gay, reminded me that it would have been worse if I had been an hour LATE. I never liked him.

I was a bit embarrassed when Phillip showed up for work later. I apologized profusely, and he assured me that it was all right. But it wasn’t all right. But a very long life lesson of not chasing after someone who isn’t interested in you. And a painful lesson to learn on Halloween of all nights!

Well, I still made my mistakes in that arena of chasing after unavailable men. Just not at Halloween. Tee hee.

That’s it. Short. And bittersweet.

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Thank you all for stopping by. It really means a lot! Come back next week for yet another tale! Stay tuned!

Until then, please be safe and mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Or the WebMD Syndrome.

Hello, hello! And welcome back my dearest friends and readers!

So, just gonna dive right in here. Basically, all of my life, I have suffered a bit from hypochondria. And if you don’t know what that means, it means that you believe that you are sick and even possibly dying, when you definitely are not. It is brought on by underlying anxiety and fear.

But is it a form of OCD? We’ll find out in a moment…

Hypochondria or hypochondriasis (or health anxiety or illness anxiety) can take over not just your mind, but your entire life, too!

Even though it is all in the mind, I don’t want to say that it is just in the mind. In other words, I definitely don’t want to diminish the feelings of the hypochondriac.

When it starts in your mind, then you “feel” it in your body or think you do. The sensations. The feelings. Uh oh. You KNOW you have a problem. There is the if you think about it, focus on it, then it “manifests” itself in your body – type of thing.

We all know by now if you focus on something a lot, especially something bad or horrible, it does expand.

And that happened to me.

Starting as a child, whenever I heard about someone’s illness or particularly would see a sick and dying person on TV, I suddenly had that disease!!!

I call it the Dark Victory Syndrome. Wrote a post about it previously. Care to see it? Here it go! 🤣😁

The Dark Victory Syndrome

In the Dark Victory Syndrome post, I talk about how when I was a child watching the brain tumor movies, such as Dark Victory – first the remake with Elizabeth Montgomery, and then years later the original with THE Divine Bette Davis, any little headache made me think I had a brain tumor, too. After seeing the Elizabeth Montgomery version, I was forever going around the house reciting my age, birthdate, address, phone number, etc., to make sure I didn’t have any memory loss that could potentially point to a brain tumor or any sort of brain abnormality. I wanted to make sure that I didn’t have blurry vision like Samantha did – er Elizabeth – I mean, the character. Honey, I was a mess!

For the most part, I got over it as I grew older. But I am here to tell you that for one, being diagnosed with high blood pressure back in 2004, did not help matters.

Any little twinge in my chest meant I was having a heart attack.

Any strange feelings in my head, I was having a stroke.

I could just up and drop dead at any minute!

Just to show you how powerful the brain and the mind are, I talked myself into going to the emergency room at Grady, at one point, because I THOUGHT I was having these strange sensations in my head, which made me THINK I was having a stroke. And turns out, of course, I wasn’t.

I wasted a 12-hour trip sitting in the ER for naught. But I suppose it’s better to be safe than to be sorry.

But this is the nightmare a hypochondriac faces.

A persistent cough means you have lung cancer.

An upset stomach means you have stomach cancer.

Aches and pains in your back and legs can mean some sort of muscular dystrophy or musculoskeletal disorder.

Eye floaters means you’re going blind. (the latest source of my angst!)

Any sort of dizziness or light-headedness could mean anything from a stroke to heart disease to multiple sclerosis. (Another of my latest angst after passing out at the Heretic a couple of months ago!)

And now, any little sniffle or cough or aches or pains isn’t just the flu, but it is COVID!!!!

You get the horrible, overthinking picture.

It’s awful.

And for the record, any and all medical tests come up NEGATIVE for said and above illnesses.

And child, don’t take to the Internet or WebMD to self diagnose yourself!! You REALLY will be in trouble, psychologically speaking that is.

So, my biggest “illnesses” thus far, (according to WebMD and the Internet 🤣) are:

HIV
Stroke
Heart attack
Blindness
Brain tumor

Of course I do not have any of these or have suffered from any of these. But in my mind I am on the verge, because of fear, worry and anxiety.

And a very good friend just recently pointed out to me it could be sympathy pains for anyone who is actually suffering or has suffered from a chronic disease. Well, it is possible, I suppose. In the mind of the hypochondriac, you can attach yourself to someone else’s illness and while feeling empathy for that person, suddenly feel like you ARE that person and you’ve got that illness, too!

Also, just think of the poor germaphobe who consistently suffers, thinking that any touch of a doorknob or the shake of a hand means they are going to catch something. (Think Howie Mandel!!) Now, THAT IS OCD! And if you have been following my blog, I do speak extensively on OCD or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

OCD is a brain disorder that has its roots in anxiety and fear. And I am here to tell you that when your obsessive brain attaches itself to something horrid, it just runs with it. Hence, I am tying it back to my earlier question – is hypochondria a case of OCD?

Update: According to sources, OCD and hypochondriasis are NOT connected! So, hypochondria is NOT OCD! And I do find that interesting that it wouldn’t be. But okay!

What causes this Devil called hypochondria?

Doctors have determined there are several causes of hypochondria:

Perhaps you or someone close to you experienced a serious illness or medical condition.
You already suffer from some sort of mental health disorder, such as anxiety, depression or a compulsive disorder.
As a child, you suffered from some form of neglect and/or abuse.
Or you have a “personality that tends to make everything worse than what it is.” Ding! Ding! Ding! This would be me!!

I want to talk about this a little bit more. And I have covered this in my above and previous blog post The Dark Victory Syndrome.

And please forgive me for being redundant, but all of my life I have had this death wish. No, I never wanted to die or desired to kill myself, but as far back as I can remember, once I completed a grade in school or got to said grade, I would say to myself, ‘Oh. I won’t make it to the next one. I’ll die.’ And then I would get to the next grade, get through it, and prepare to enter the next one, and say this to myself all over again.

For the life of me, I don’t know why I would think such a horrid thing.

This was when I was a young child. By the time I got to the 7th grade back in 1979, that sort of thinking kinda stopped. I now label it Generalized Anxiety Disorder. And that can be an entire blog post in and of itself. I don’t think I can write enough about that subject.

GAD = living under the belief and worrying constantly that something horrible is going to happen to you at any moment.

And even now, I am back to the – ‘oh my God! I think I’m going blind!’ And this is because of the eye floaters. And no, I am not seeing a lot of them, which in doing my WebMD research, if you suddenly see a lot of them and/or flashes of light, that could mean a sign of retinal tear or even retinal detachment, which CAN lead to blindness! When I researched eye floaters years ago and found the same thing, my hypochondriac mind went into overdrive!

What has brought me back to this thinking is I noticed a slight dark flash in my right eye – and I mean very slight – when I sometimes look up and down. And of course, I’m thinking the worst!

And yes, to be on the safe side, I went to the eye doctor recently, and everything is FINE!!! He said the eye floaters and even that slight flash is a sign of normal aging! So, in other words, I’m just old y’all!!

But again, this is exactly what I’m talking about, the hell a hypochondriac goes through.

But how does one treat such a distasteful monster?

Treatment options

In researching this topic, one of the treatment options I came across was cognitive behavioral therapy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT, is a form of therapy designed to reduce the symptoms of various mental health conditions, particularly anxiety disorders and depression. Its goal is to help you identify unhelpful and even intrusive thoughts and learn how to effectively deal with them.

For example, you have a fear of crowds and you are extremely anxious about them, then you would expose yourself to large crowds. In other words, you expose yourself to your fear.

And CBT can be very effective in helping patients suffering from OCD. However, we have learned that hypochondria is NOT a form of OCD.

Other treatment options include seeing a therapist to address the underlying issues. As I always say, therapy can be your very best friend. And there is no shame in your game of getting a professional to help you unpack your mental stuff.

And whether you believe in it or not, medications may also be prescribed.

Anyhoo, don’t leave until you’ve got your hunger satisfied by clicking on the banner below for DoorDash!!

That is it for now. Thank you for your patience as I have been on and off posting for a bit. The next time, let’s talk about Halloween!! Tis’ the season, you know!

Until the next time, please be safe and mentally well! 😉😊

Sources:

Photo attribution: Armin Lotfi – Man with bandages on face – Unsplash

Towfiqu Barbhuiya – Pills in hand – Unsplash

Brittany Colette – Man with Kleenex – Unsplash

Moe Howard from the Three Stooges short, Idiots Deluxe

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.