Hello, my pals! And welcome backl! I do hope this new blog post finds you well in the New Year! I know the Omicron is a BEAST! But hang in there. I really do believe we shall prevail!
At any rate, I have decided to wade the waters of when your mind constantly thinks something bad is going to happen to you. I may have come across a concrete name for it: Anticipatory anxiety. Although, there could be other ways to describe it – catastrophizing or my new one – “futurizing” – where you (well, your mind) conjures of these worst-case scenarios that could happen in your life. Mine is blindness as I have discussed previously, all because years ago I went down the rabbit hole of researching eye floaters, which I do have. And ever since then, it has been sort of stuck in my head off and on that ‘Oh my God! Having these things could lead to blindness!’ which is such a rarity. However, my brain latched onto it anyway. So, this is just an example.
I entitled today’s blog post The Dark Victory Syndrome, because the backstory for me is that when I was about 9 years old back in 1976, I saw the FABULOUS Elizabeth Montgomery of Bewitched fame in the remake of Dark Victory, which the effervescent Bette Davis had starred in back in 1939. Well, at 9 years of age, this was my first encounter with the movie. I did not know at the time about the Bette Davis original.
Well, to cut to the chase [SPOILER ALERT!!!!] the movie is about a woman who discovers that she has a brain tumor. She experiences all of the horrible symptoms of a brain tumor: Severe headaches, double vision, and extreme dizziness, and Elizabeth’s character even takes a nasty tumble down a flight of stairs at a party. The character goes in for tests, and the doctor, portrayed by Sir Anthony Hopkins of Silence of the Lambs delivers the crushing news that she has a brain tumor. She is operated on, but the doctor who has fallen in love with her realizes that her situation is terminal and is only able to remove part of the tumor. He does not tell her the truth (and why Michelle Lee’s character who is Elizabeth’s bestie knows and she doesn’t is beyond me!!). Eventually, she will experience blindness and then later die.
Following the surgery and going on with her life (and sporting a HORRIBLE wig!!), she later realizes that the doctor (and Michelle Lee) kept the truth from her. She is rightfully pissed with both of them. However, she decides to forgive them both, even to the point of being in a relationship with the doctor! Well, Hollywood likes to romanticize things, of course. Sadly, she does begin to experience some of those same symptoms she does at the beginning.
I am saying all of this as the setup to say that when I saw this movie, Derek didn’t focus on the romantic aspect. Oh no. I focused on the brain tumor. I thought ‘Oh my God! Samantha – which is what I called Elizabeth’s character LOLOL – has a brain tumor, maybe I do, too!’ That is when I began checking my memory to make sure I could remember important details. I would silently say to myself my name, my address, my phone number, and my birthdate. It was awful!!
I also made sure that I could see clearly. Any headache I would get would just make things worse for me as I would obsess even more, thinking I had said brain tumor!! To quote Lucy Ricardo, “I was a mess!”
It took me MANY years later to realize that I had an obsessive mind and that I was suffering from recurring and intrusive thoughts, which is the reason why I started my blog. I now know that I am not the only one suffering from this.
Anticipatory Anxiety and Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Now, let’s talk about the anticipatory anxiety, which I did “research.” But it didn’t make things worse this time; it actually made things even clearer. Again, I wish to stress that I am NOT a medical professional by any stretch of the imagination. However, what I have been researching makes total and complete sense.
Anticipatory anxiety can be described as worrying excessively about something stressful that you have to do in the future, i.e. a presentation, visiting family especially at the holidays, a talk you have to give, an exam you have to take, etc. I also look at it as being afraid of possible future events that COULD happen, but again chances are they won’t, as I described above. For example, for me it is going blind. Back in the 80s, it was a fear of nuclear war. And according to one source, anticipatory anxiety isn’t a mental health diagnosis on its own, but it can appear as a symptom of generalized anxiety disorder.
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Generalized anxiety disorder is worrying about everyday life. It is “marked by excessive, exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events for no obvious reason. People with symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder tend to always expect disaster and can’t stop worrying about health, money, family, work, or school.”
I have suffered greatly from generalized anxiety disorder, aka GAD, ever since I was a child. Again, the fear of losing my memory, my eyesight, dying, nuclear war, etc. GAD can be inherited. It is possible that I may have inherited it from my grandmother, whom I believe suffered from the same disorder. My grandmother CONSTANTLY worried!! For such a strong, fierce, Bible-believing woman, she was afraid of something bad happening. She always worried about me just simply playing outside when I was a kid. The entire neighborhood was treated to her crooning my name to make sure I was nearby.
Because of my issues with GAD and anticipatory anxiety, I developed the intrusive thoughts due to my overall feeling of dread. If I haven’t already disclosed in earlier blog posts, I remember as far back as the age of 7 always saying to myself that I wasn’t going to make it to the next grade. And so on. And so on. For some reason, I thought I was going to die. Well, obviously that never happened, because I went all the way through not only high school and graduated, but college as well and graduated from that. All the way to 2022 where I am sitting and writing this blog. 😂😉
To tie all the pieces together, because there are many, and going back to “The Dark Victory Syndrome” as I like to call it, you think of a catastrophe. You then worry constantly about that catastrophe possibly happening to you to the point of anticipating it. And then the intrusive thoughts begin. This is how I look at this horrific puzzle of the mind.
In summation, I want to offer hope for this horrible condition. If you feel that things are too tough to handle, there is always help in the form of therapy. And if you don’t wish to drive into town for an office visit, there is always online therapy. Please follow the graphic below and check out the options. It could work for you.
Well, that is going to be it my friends. Again, please be mentally well and also physically well due to COVID and the latest strain known as the Omicron. Be safe!! And I shall chat with you next time!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
Also, I do not own the copyrights to any of the YouTube posts, music, film or TV.
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