Welcome back, my fellow fighting-the-good-fight-to-stay sane friends! 😁
As promised from last week’s post, which you can click on the banner below, I decided to write about healing our childhoods.
The previous post was about how being an adult can really suck, but I also included ways to recapture your childhood.
This week is the healing.
If you feel that you don’t need to heal your childhood or even think it’s possible, and/or your childhood was hunky dory and a slice of 24/7 heaven, then by all means disregard this post. 😉
However, there are still many of us with ghosts, slights and hurts from our past. And I don’t EVER want to hear ‘oh just get over it!’ Or ‘let it go!’ Or ‘that was in the past.’ That is NOT helpful, and much easier said than done.
What a lot of people don’t realize is that you can still carry your childhood into adulthood. And this time I am not talking about recapturing the positives from that era. I am talking about the negative stuff that may still be buried underneath.
I don’t want this to turn into a “let’s blame everything on our childhood and/or mothers/fathers” kind of post. This is intended for clarity and understanding and of course, healing.
Underlying Fear and Anxiety
Perhaps the reason so many of us are so fearful today, as well as filled with anxiety, can be attributed to our childhoods. (And not just the political climate or the bad news we hear on TV.)
If you were raised by parents/caregivers who raised their voices a lot and/or shouted, whether it was at you or in general, maybe you grew up feeling anxious whenever someone raised their voice. Maybe it makes you feel nervous and fills you with dread.
Perhaps you were raised with a doom and gloom caregiver, like I was. I love my grandmother Costella Julia Ward to death. BUT she was filled with such anxiety and dread, she kinda passed that on to me. When I was a child, I literally couldn’t be outside playing two feet away from the house when she would come outside and yell for me.
“Derek, where are you??? Stay where someone can see you!!”
Heck, her voice was so powerful, a lot of times she yelled from inside the house, and I could still hear her!! 🤣
My point is that sort of anxiety came along with me into my adulthood, and I am just now realizing it and doing something about.
The Low Self-Esteem
The constant nitpicking by your caregivers.
The whole “you’ll never amount to anything!” Or in my case, this is what I heard from my grandfather “you’re going to grow up to be sorry.”
All the “teasing,” which to a little kid can be belittling.
Comparing siblings. A parent/caregiver should. NEVER. DO. THAT!!!
All of the above can leave a child feeling worthless and give them such extreme low self-esteem, that it is very possible they may grow up to make some pretty horrendous choices when it comes to friendships, relationships, etc.
Codependency
Oh Lord another biggie. Codependency is when you become emotionally attached to a partner for ALL of your needs. Webster says this is related to a person you become attached to who needs support because of illness or addiction. HOWEVER, I believe this can apply to just about any circumstance.
I have certainly been codependent in my relationships, especially with regard to friendships. In these one-sided friendships, I was like the sidekick, the 2nd wheel, the Stan Laurel to someone’s Oliver Hardy. The Barney Rubble to someone’s Fred Flintstone. It was sickening.
Of course, if you were raised by alcoholic and/or drug-addicted parents, the codependency might certainly be even stronger.
In other words, you need to be the saviour in the relationship.
Feelings of guilt
How many of you grew up with parents or caregivers who made you feel guilty about every little thing? Yes, the whole cliche/stereotype of the Jewish/Italian mothers making their children feel guilty, especially in adulthood.
You know it definitely works in childhood, too.
You had better do such and such or ELSE, basically. And of course when you drag God into it, watch out.
“God’ll shorten your days for being disobedient!” Okay, that is also fear. That certainly can make a child feel guilty, and of course, scared.
And with along with guilt typically comes his brother shame. Shaming children is most certainly an “effective” way for parents and caregivers to get their children’s attention, and to attempt to correct behaviors. But in the end, all it does it cause adults who were shamed as children, to feel shame as adults.
Having your voice silenced!!!
“Shut up!”
I was told that constantly growing up, especially when it was perceived that I was “talking back.” And I know a lot of you know exactly what I’m talking about. Oh, sperm donor, er my father STILL tries it. Except he tries that shit with EVERYONE in our immediate family.
“Let me finish.”
No, bruh, we aren’t even going to let you get started.
Needs not being met – particularly emotional needs.
I pretty much got everything I wanted as a child. However, when it came to emotional needs, I don’t think so. I can guarantee you that all the above I have talked about thus far, pertains to me, too.
No one in my household talked to me; they talked DOWN to me. I was yelled at. I was told off, essentially. I was told I was worthless. No one really took the time to talk to me about life, about how I was doing, what I was feeling. No one took the time to discuss with me my goals and dreams for my future. These are so damn important when you are raising a child!
The People Pleasing
‘Let me say and do the right thing so I can make everyone happy.’
‘I had better not make waves or I will not be liked or even fired,’ if we’re talking about a job.
‘I’d better keep my mouth shut about something that is truly bothering me, or I’ll lose this person.’ Yep. Going back to having your voice silenced.
This probably comes from childhood where you tried your level best to not make waves or not make your parents angry, etc. Walking on eggshells, so to speak to KEEP THE PEACE. I did it in relationships and friendships, too.
And quite frankly, I am sick and tired of trying to keep the doggone peace at my old age!
Disappointments
Being disappointed hurts, no matter what age you are. However, to a child, a disappointment can have much more devastating effects. We have all been disappointed by something or someone. It is going to happen. And in my opinion, the disappointment comes in the form of some sort of expectation that is not fulfilled. But again, what if it happens and you are a child? And it happens constantly?
I think it goes back to what we have discussed thus far from the above list. I believe it really hits you in the self-esteem department. And if you grow up with numerous disappointments, then as an adult, you expect the same. ”Why should I expect any different? It’s just going to be the same old thing. I am not going to get what I want.”
So. I have painted a pretty horrid description of what your childhood could have been, I mean other than the fun stuff. And I understand that adults have their own issues to deal with. And if you have to raise children, then suddenly there is this kid with all its needs. Oh boy!
My grandmother had to deal with the fact that my grandfather cheated on her left and right, and sired outside children as a result. And some other pretty horrible stuff that he put her through. So, having to raise me was indeed an extra burden, since she had already raised her own children.
But the “damage” has been done so to speak. And the next step is recognizing all the above, all the patterns and underlying feelings you brought with you from childhood.
Let’s Start the Healing
I am healing my childhood by first of all actually remembering what it was like in my household. I am not angry about it. I am remaining detached from it as I relive certain events. It is almost as if I am watching a TV show, or one of my soap operas. 📺📺📺
I try not to get angry, though in my dreams I sometimes get pretty angry when I see some of them, meaning my grandparents and aunt who raised me. And I think it is residual anger from that time. I don’t feel the anger consciously.
The next thing I do is not offer excuses – you know, the whole “they did the best they could” kind of thing. I don’t think that’s actually very helpful, whereas forgiveness is. However, I do recognize that there were certain circumstances in my household that had NOTHING to do with me, such as my grandfather’s affairs, which kept the household rather tense. However, I still was hurt.
Which brings me to another point, acknowledge that hurt. Admit to yourself such and such and this and that hurt you. And take it a step further, and say it caused me to feel this way later in life. Or to behave this way.
I also tell myself that I am NOT my past or my childhood. I am not the negative stuff that occurred. I am not the pain. I am not the negative feelings I may feel now.
And that’s just it: They are FEELINGS! It is okay to feel how you feel. It doesn’t define who YOU are!!!!
And as I discussed in last week’s blog post, I recapture the POSITIVE and HAPPY parts of my childhood, which are MANY and outweigh the horrible stuff.
And this is very important: I separate the “okay, I know I did something wrong in my childhood where I deserved to be punished” versus the being yelled at and belittled for no reason. And being able to discern and recognize the difference.
In summation, I realize I only scratched the surface covering some of the (potential) negatives from childhood, as there is so much that can definitely affect us as children.
I think one of the most important things to realize in healing the child within is to love yourself. I know. The cliched love yourself first thingy. Hey, it’s true, though.
Take charge of your life and know and understand that as an adult, you can now speak up for yourself and advocate for yourself. You don’t owe anyone anything; however, you owe yourself all the love and support possible.
Well, now before you skiddaddle, please check out my online store!!!
That’s it for today. Thank you for keeping up with me. I greatly appreciate it. Come back next week when I talk about how being single doesn’t mean you’re lonely. In the meantime, please stay safe and be mentally well!
P.S. click on the sources below as they really give some valuable insight on how to heal your inner child.
Source:
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
