Month: June 2021

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I cannot believe that it has been 52 years since the Stonewall Riots happened. Now. I am sure many of you know about Stonewall or what it is and what it represents pertaining to the gay community on the eve of Gay Pride. If not, here is a brief history lesson:

Way back in the day starting in the early morning hours of June 28, 1969, (I was only two years of age then, and clearly had no idea of what a Stonewall was), Stonewall Inn, which was then located in New York City on Christopher Street, was the site of riots, which led to the gay movement, which led to all of those Gay Pride parades that so many conservative Christians LOVE to try and infiltrate, interrupt, and protest. Ha! You see what happened was gay bars were subject to raids back then by the police – big surprise. But on that night/early morning of June 28, 1969, the gay community had had enough. And they pushed back. Hard. Fights broke out when the police arrived. Confrontations occurred within the bar, as well as outside on the street. The police arrested about 13 people, one being a lesbian who allegedly said to fight back. So, the already pissed-off crowd did just that, throwing all sorts of objects at the police. The pushback was so fierce that the police ended up barricading themselves inside the bar with some of the prisoners they had arrested. Some of the patrons outside, which by now included part of the neighborhood, set the bar on fire!! Fortunately, the police and prisoners were able to escape.

The fighting lasted for several days. But this led to what some call the beginning of the Gay Liberation Movement. The following year, on June 28, 1970, was the very first Gay Pride parade, which has continued to this day across the entire country and even around the world. At the publishing of this post, this weekend will celebrate 52 years of “freedom” for the LGBTQ community.

Marsha! Marsha! MARSHA!!!

And depending on whom you ask there is one name, in particular, that is given credit for the uprising on June 28, 1969. And that is Marsha P. Johnson, a fierce black drag queen, who was born Malcom Michaels, Jr. Some of the accounts seem to tell a different version of what happened that night and how Marsha was involved, but it is no doubt that her name has become synonomous with the Gay Liberation Movement.

“Johnson has been named, along with Zazu Nova and Jackie Hormona, by a number of the Stonewall veterans interviewed by David Carter in his book, Stonewall: The Riots That Sparked the Gay Revolution, as being “three individuals known to have been in the vanguard” of the pushback against the police at the uprising. Johnson denied starting the uprising. In 1987, Johnson recalled arriving at around “2:00 [that morning]”, that “the riots had already started” by that time and that the Stonewall building “was on fire” after police set it on fire.^[11] The riots reportedly started at around 1:20 that morning after Stormé DeLarverie fought back against the police officer who attempted to arrest her that night.

Carter writes that Robin Souza had reported that fellow Stonewall veterans and gay activists such as Morty Manford and Marty Robinson had told Souza that on the first night, Johnson “threw a shot glass at a mirror in the torched bar screaming, ‘I got my civil rights'”. Souza told the Gay Activists Alliance shortly afterwards that it “was the shot glass that was heard around the world”. Carter, however, concluded that Robinson had given several different accounts of the night and in none of the accounts was Johnson’s name brought up, possibly in fear that if he publicly credited the uprising to Johnson, then Johnson’s well-known mental state and gender nonconforming, “could have been used effectively by the movement’s opponents”. The alleged “shot glass” incident has also been heavily disputed. Prior to Carter’s book, it was claimed Johnson had “thrown a brick” at a police officer, an account that was never verified. Johnson also confirmed not being present at the Stonewall Inn when the rioting broke out, but instead had heard about it and went to get Sylvia Rivera who was at a park uptown sleeping on a bench to tell her about it. However, many have corroborated that on the second night, Johnson climbed up a lamppost and dropped a bag with a brick in it down on a police car, shattering the windshield.”

And as we approach the 52nd anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, I am wondering what would have happened if Stonewall HADN’T occurred. Where would we, as an LGBTQ community, be today? Would the riots have eventually happened? Would they have happened elsewhere? Would police raids STILL continue?? Well, Atlanta sure saw one several years ago when the Atlanta Eagle was raided by police, which resulted in several lawsuits! THIS is why we do what we do!!

So, this is why Stonewall means a lot to me. I am touched by the fact that our community fought back instead of sitting on their behinds and taking the abuse straight society has perpetuated on us for EONS. We don’t want to fight you; we just want to be your equals. I know to some the parades are nothing but fluff, an opportunity to get drunk or naked or participate in debauchery, or whatever that means for you. However, there is always a deeper meaning, and I don’t want our community to ever lose sight of that meaning. And that is the freedom to simply be who we really are without fear, without judgment, without hatred. And as much as I hate to say this, when it comes to thanking the military for my freedom, I don’t. I thank those wonderful people who led the way back in 1969, as well as the brave abolitionists and slaves who also had had enough!!!

And I don’t think we should ever take for granted how far we have come ( marriage equality, etc.). We most certainly still have much farther to go. However, if it weren’t for the Marsha P. Johnsons and others on the night/early morning of June 28, 1969, we would still, no doubt, be harrassed by the police and others without any consequences.

If you are wondering what does this have to do with mental health, PLENTY!! I cannot stress enough that it is very unhealthy and toxic to live in a world that caters to a majority, where there is no equality or a place for you at the table. So, in summation, however you celebrate Pride this weekend, remember to say a THANK YOU TO THE STONEWALL INN PATRONS for having the courage to risk their lives so that people like you and me can be free to be ourselves! HAPPY GAY PRIDE!!! (And old, straight white men who are out of touch can just get over it!) ☺

Sources: https://www.history.com/topics/gay-rights/the-stonewall-riots

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marsha_P._Johnson

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back, my dear friends!

Today’s topic pertains to Gay Pride – or simply Pride – and the microaggressions that my people face.

Now, I do not intend for this blog to be a finger pointer or a rant. But just some things for our straight allies to understand. So, you will have to forgive my tone. If it comes across as angry or “salty,” well, so be it. We’ll all survive. After all, the LGBTQ community have survived certain comments for eons.

I was inspired by the article by Huffpost entitled “14 Microaggressions LGBTQ People deal with All the Time.” I have included the link below. But you know I had to include my own personal microaggressions. And please do not be offended; it is what it is.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/microaggressions-lgbtq-people-deal-with_l_60c12080e4b059c73bd556e2

But first, what is a microaggression? According to Webster’s Dictionary, it is defined as “a comment or action that subtly and often unconsciously or unintentionally expresses a prejudiced attitude toward a member of a marginalized group (such as a racial minority).” Or in this case, the LGBTQ community.

Though intended to be funny or as a joke in some instances, these microaggressions are actually ignorant, hurtful, and downright stupid. And yes, they take a toll on your mental wellbeing in having to either explain yourself over and over and OVER again. Or just simply having to hear them, making you feel less than or that you are not a real, worthy, or equal person (to your hetero counterparts).

There may be a crisscross between the Huffington Post list and mine, by the way. They listed 14, and I am listing 14. (But there are MANY others!!) So, here we go:

1. Your “LIFESTYLE.” What the heck??? WHAT lifestyle? Is this The Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous with Robin Leach??? Because that is what I think of whenever a straight person says this, like we are talking lots of money or fancy houses and vacations. It is totally ignorant and ridiculous. Is there a HETEROSEXUAL lifestyle? By all means, let me know. And it seems to be the go-to term to describe the LGBTQ community. However, I NEVER hear it when referring to straight people. It is rather tired and annoying.
2. From the conservative Christians or Christians period: “I love you. Just not your LIFESTYLE.” Again, what lifestyle? And do you know how condescending this is? As if anyone cares whether or not you LOVE us. All we ask is that you do not be condescending or cruel to us or, heaven forbid, hurt us. This implies that you are better than us, and that we should be pitied. You don’t have to “love us.” Just accept us for who we are, and that we most certainly aren’t going anywhere. Oh. And you don’t have to tolerate us either, which brings me to the next one.
3. I tolerate your LIFESTYLE or people like you. What are we? Annoying children that must be tolerated? Or perhaps we are your in-laws that must be “tolerated” whenever they come to dinner or come to visit. You have to put up with us?? Well, we’re not the majority. You are. So, who needs to tolerate whom???? Again, VERY condescending.
4. The gay bars. Here we go: Now, I remember inviting my straight female friends to go with me to the bars wayyyyy back when I first came out. I had one who flat out refused, because she “didn’t want to be seen in such a place.” Hey, that’s cool. Whatever. Over the years, I have certainly had my straight female friends, and even straight male friends, come with. Again, really cool. However, what I have seen over the past decade or so is that it appears to be a “straight invasion” into the queer bars. For God sakes’ WHY? It is nice to have visitors, but damn! You’ve taken over!!! Some people, especially the women, act as if they OWN the joint! I cannot tell you how many times I have witnessed straight women, particularly, coming in and trying to take over! They are loud, rude, and very, very obnoxious! And even “handsy,” if you know what I mean. Keep your bloody hands to yourself! And whenever a great song comes on and I am dancing or another gay man is dancing alone, why do they feel a need to join you without asking for permission? Very annoying. Look at it this way, when you are in your own bars and a straight man comes up and starts dancing with you that you don’t know, how does that make YOU feel? And especially if he starts touching you. Same thing in a gay bar. And heck, there are gay men that I don’t like touching me. So, why would I want a woman to touch me? And please find another venue for your bachelorette parties! I understand you feel comfortable in a gay bar. But you are starting to make us feel UNCOMFORTABLE. Oh and for the record, I am not saying stay out. I am saying BE RESPECTFUL!!! So, don’t even begin to think this is misogny. We gay men LOVE our hetero female counterparts. Heck, we ARE you in a lot of ways. But how would you like it if we started coming into your bars and coming onto and being overly friendly with your husbands and boyfriends??? I’ll wait …
5. Is that your preference? YES! My God!! Is being straight yours???? Why are straight people not asked these insipid questions???? LOL
6. One that I am surprised has come up recently is “How do you know you’re ‘that way’ if you haven’t tried it?” Meaning being with a man/woman if you’re gay. Well, trust me you know!!! How do you know you’re heterosexual if you’ve never been with your same sex?
7. Speaking of “that way,” what does that mean to say that someone is “that way?” Which way? Is this a direction? Are we going someplace??
8. “You’re gay, so you are not a ‘real man’ or a ‘real woman.'” Hmmm okay, so define what a “real man or woman” is. I’ll wait. So, it is just based on biology or science or whether or not you can procreate or desire to or desire to be with the opposite sex?? Believe you me, I know PLENTY of LGBTQ peeps who are more of a “real man or woman” than a lot of heterosexual people I know, because of the fact that they are simply brave enough to be THEMSELVES by facing scorn, ridicule, danger or even death.
9. “Why would you want to be that way when there are soooooo many women/men out there?” Again, why would you want to be “that way” when there are sooooo many of your same sex out there to choose from? And I guess here is where I have to say it: YOU ARE BORN THAT WAY!!
10. And that brings us to “You weren’t born that way. God didn’t intend for you to be ‘that way’!” Seems like “that way” comes up a lot, huh? For as long as I can remember, I felt different. Very different. All the other boys around me were looking at the girls, talking about them in a suggestive manner. And I NEVER felt that energy. I was looking at them, the boys instead! LOL So, yes, I was born “that way.”
11. “The right man/woman can CHANGE you!” Um no. They cannot. A woman would not be able to change me from gay to straight. She doesn’t have the right – um – stuff LOL Not to mention there is ZERO attraction there. Yes, I think there are sooooo many beautiful women out there, but that is as far as it goes, acknowledging they are pretty or beautiful. But I do not wish to have sex with or be with any of them.
12. “I never knew you were gay. You don’t act it.” Or even the opposite. There are sooooo many effeminate-acting men out there who claim they are NOT gay. And I have met many of them, and I don’t think they are. And just for the record, there is NOTHING wrong with “acting gay” or if you’re a lesbian “acting butch.”
13. Making assumptions about gay people that are quite frankly stereotypical. In other words, lesbians must LOVE sports or look or act a certain way, and are handy with tools. While gay men LOVE musicals, love fashion, love to shop, and have great fashion sense, oh and can interior decorate like nobody’s business. Just dumb, dumb, DUMB! We all like different things! And can do different things. So, that means that straight women can’t be handy with tools or love sports and not have any fashion sense? And believe me, I know plenty of gay men who LOVE sports! I have never liked them, but there are gay men out there who do. And I can’t stand musicals, and I definitely am not a slave to fashion. As a matter of fact, in the spring and summertime, I prefer a T-shirt, shorts, and flipflops wherever I go!!
14. No homo by the “bruthas” when they hug you. Ugh!!! So, this implies that gay men find EVERY straight man attractive. And that is definitely a big NO!!! And again, very condescending to make the assumption that even from a simple hug, that we would even want you. Please do NOT flatter yourself. So, every time you hug a straight female, does that mean you want her or vice versa??? Just curious ….

Well, those were 14 of my personal microaggressions. What are yours? I definitely want to know and how it has affected you personally. Leave me a comment below!

And in the meantime, please be mentally well! And again, HAPPY PRIDE!!!!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Hola, my fellow bent minders! Welcome to another round of get me through my mental illness!

Today, I would like to talk about facing social anxiety, especially as it pertains to the pandemic.

First of all, what is social anxiety? WebMD describes social anxiety as a common mental health disorder where a person feels extremely uncomfortable and nervous in social situations. A person suffering from this condition may have a fear they are being judged or watched by others. You may have physical symptoms, such as a fast heartbeat, sweating, dizziness, an inability to catch your breath or even stomach ailments, including diarrhea. That last one affected me whenever I felt anxious. TMI.

This disorder is certainly common in social situations, such as work, parties, gatherings, perhaps even going to the grocery store. It can even be present when trying to meet people or when dating.

Now. Let’s break it down as it relates to before, during and “after” the pandemic.

Before

I can tell you that I suffered from social anxiety in the past wayyyyyy before any pandemic. I know. Hard to believe, right? But it is true. It was when I was much younger, actually when I was in school. I really felt very awkward as a child/teenager and even a bit beyond. However, the older I got, the less it became prevalent, particularly as I got into acting.

According to the WebMD source/link, “social anxiety disorder usually comes on at around 13 years of age. It can be linked to a history of abuse, bullying, or teasing. Shy kids are also more likely to become socially anxious adults, as are children with overbearing or controlling parents. If you develop a health condition that draws attention to your appearance or voice, that could trigger social anxiety, too.”

I can certainly testify to the bullying part. When I look back on it, the bullying made me shut down and not speak up at times. There were MANY times when some of my classmates in the earlier grades made me cry over something I said or did. And over time, that made me feel VERY socially awkward and uncomfortable in my own skin. And again, there were times that I was hesitant to speak up. But boy, you can’t shut me up now LOL

During

It is obvious that we were in a state of panic during the pandemic. Will I get it? How long will this go on? Are we going to die? Perhaps the social anxiety was not as bad for people who normally suffer from it, because suddenly we were isolated. I don’t know. I would imagine for those of us who really aren’t big fans of being around a lot of people, it was actually a relief. For me, it was great! I felt like it was a nice change of pace and a break to not have to be around people as much as before the pandemic. But then for others, I can imagine it may have been lonely.

After (well, not really)

As we “near” the end of the pandemic, I am wondering if the anxiety is still there for a lot of us. I suppose we feel safer now that there are vaccines, and a lot of us have gotten ours. Having been to a couple of vaxxed-only parties, I do feel safer. I think we still have much further to go, though. And obviously this thing isn’t over. But the point is, now that a great many of us are fully vaccinated, we are starting to get back into the swing of real life, even if we are still wearing our masks. But is the anxiety still there?

For example, I just started going back into work after spending over a year working from home. And it liked to have killed me LOL! It was just strange suddenly being around people again. To be honest, I wasn’t that thrilled to be around people face-to-face. I didn’t feel ready. I felt very drained and exhausted by the time I got home, I mean more so than normal. I know for a fact that others are VERY happy to be back at work or school or to simply be around people again. I’m not. I love being by myself! I absolutely love it!

I think now I just don’t want to be around people as much as I used to, and from what I’ve heard from others, it is an age thing. The older one gets, the more comfortable you are just being alone and doing your own thing.

And it occurs to me that part of the anxiety for some may be the thought that you could STILL contract the disease. That makes total sense. After being careful, safe and isolated all this time, and now suddenly things are a bit more relaxed, people are returning to work and school, the thought of getting it would certainly make someone VERY anxious.

But social anxiety is nothing to be ignored. I have included some sources below from medical professionals on the subject. And yes, one of them is WebMD LOL I mean, you know what they say about checking symptoms online, you feel that you get that disease. BUT please do not be afraid. Just see if maybe you have some of the symptoms.

https://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/mental-health-social-anxiety-disorder

And as I always say, there is no shame in our mental-imbalanced game. Help is just a click away. Check out the online therapy offered below.

https://www.online-therapy.com/?ref=234176

In the meantime, I want all of you to be mentally well. So, until the next time!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Derek’s additional disclaimer: Some of the names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. ☺

Welcome back, my fellow bent minders! And HAPPY PRIDE MONTH! And to start Pride month off, let me tell you how I began my gay career. Ha!

Unrequited love. Le sigh. I have been there. Too many times to count. Being in love with or obsessed with or infatuated with someone who cannot or will not return my feelings. Or he is just not available, whether he is straight or married or partnered or in another city or state or even country. Or planet. And quite honestly I’m sick of it.

My little story goes wayyyy back to 1989 in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. I was 22 years old at the time. So PICTURE IT! LOL I began working in the bakery section at a gift shop and gourmet food place known as Southern Hospitality. It may have been my first day there, but I saw this man – short, muscular, dark-haired and moustached (definitely my type) – walking around wearing an apron. He worked in the coffee section of the store. I thought he was Puerto Rican or Mexican perhaps. Turns out he wasn’t. But his name was Paul Gilbert Lassiter. He was 36 years old at the time. What can I say, I like ’em older! And over the course of the next several months, I became absolutely obsessed with this man!

I began talking to him and spending as much time in the coffee section with him as much as I possibly could. It didn’t take long for me to realize that he was gay!!! And this was as I was already coming out, because earlier that summer I had been to my first gay bar, the Power Company, in Durham. Well, he started talking about The Power Company and Boxers and Capital Corral in Raleigh. So, I tried going to all of those places in hopes of running into him.

To cut to the chase, my infatuation culminated Halloween weekend of 1989. The Power Company had a Halloween bash of sorts. Paul said that he was going to be there in costume as some sort of weird bird. So, of course I went, too. I spent the earlier part of the evening with close friends on Franklin Street. I was dressed as a white man, which morphed into James Brown or somebody. I had a brown wig and was wearing my father’s old leather coat from the 70s. It was all very strange.

Anyway, after I hung out with my pals, I took to The Power Company, because of course I HAD to be with Paul. Well, he was there dressed in that weird bird costume. Or whatever the hell he was supposed to be. We danced and hung out. He introduced me to poppers. And we literally danced the night away.

Then the end of the evening approached and as was customary, Power Company played something slow to indicate they were closing. Paul and I melted into a slow dance together. I was in heaven. We danced for a few minutes, but then he suddenly pulled away. The bar was indeed closing. So, we walked outside to the parking lot to his tan Subaru, actually. We stood there talking for a while. That is when I asked him to kiss me. He smiled, but he refused. He said that he saw us as friends FOREVER, sitting in rocking chairs – or some nonsense. I told him how I felt about him. He said that he didn’t feel the same way. But then he leaned in and he kissed me (tongue and all LOL) for what seemed like an eternity!!!!! And then it was over. He said that he would see me at work later that day. He got in his car and left, and I walked up to my car on the parking deck in TEARS!!!!!!!!

Needless to say, I was a mess. When I got home, I just simply collapsed on the floor of my bathroom, a wreck. When I woke up the next morning, I remembered that I had to be at work! God, that meant I had to see him. I quickly showered and dressed and drove like a bat out of hell to work. When I got there, I realized that I missed a time change. I was an hour early!!! LOL Well, at least it was an hour early and not an hour late, as one VERY annoying coworker pointed out.

But yes, I did see Paul. And I apologized to him for making a fool of myself. He said no apology was needed. Later on in this particular storyline, I did invite him over to my place to hang out, which he did. And I still chased after him. That is until he was replaced by another man I chased after. But that’s another story.

Apparently, this became a pattern for me over the next several decades. I just recently realized at 54 that it is time to stop and let it all go. As they say there is nothing like an old fool. But going within and seeing my patterns and asking myself all the important questions of why I do this. Is it because my parents “gave me away,” which is how I looked at it for years (which is another story)? But my mental wellbeing comes first, and all of the chasing after Paul and other men did me no good. After all, the ones I chased, I did NOT end up with. All I did was bring myself down further and further into a cesspool of low self-esteem and yes, mental illness. Because you see, there is more to the Paul story, but I will delve into that at another time.

In summation, after FINALLY realizing that the best way to break free from this unrequited love BS was to focus on ME. To love ME. I know it is so cliché. We have all heard it a million times – love yourself, focus on other things blah, blah, blah. But it is even more than that. I have found that it is a true and deep going within and breaking off that part of yourself that does those clingy things. To stand up for YOU. And believe me, that isn’t easy.

More to come, because this story is FAR from ovah. So, in the meantime, be well!

And again, HAPPY PRIDE!!!!