Good day, all my pals! I do hope you are doing well.
So, much has happened since my last blog post.
The Queen of England has died.
A longtime friend of mine died.
ANOTHER friend’s child died suddenly.
I figured it was time to have a discussion about the thing that probably frightens most of us: Death.
Death. Mort. Defunct. Gone. Deceased. Passed away. What can I say? These words and terms are loathsome, frightening, daunting, terrifying. No one truly knows what happens at the moment someone passes from this world into the next – if there is a next world. Sure, there are people all over the Internet with claims that they “died” for several minutes and either went to the Pearly Gates or the fiery depths below and returned to tell the tale. But why don’t we ask those who have actually been dead for sometime what it is like and where you go?
And it is not that I don’t believe the individuals who have claimed to have passed to the other side. But I was also thinking – like many others perhaps – that it was just a dream. Who knows? We will not surely know until it is our turn.
But this isn’t a post about dying itself and the afterlife, etc. This is actually about what happens to the rest of us when someone we care about dies.
Ye Olde Grim Reaper will undoubtedly visit all of us someday. I do not wish to turn this into a religious post about the hereafter – blah, blah, blah. And this post is not about one’s personal belief systems on the subject.
I actually desire to converse on not happens when we die, but what happens to those of us who are left behind once someone beloved has passed away.
What are the feelings and emotions?
How do we cope?
What do we say to those people who have lost loved ones?
Red is Dead
Death makes you realize that, yes, life can end suddenly and without warning, which is exactly what happened to a longtime friend. There was an overwhelming sense of numbness and pathos associated with this particular death, because this friend collapsed at home. His roommate rushed him to the hospital, but sadly it was too late.
I shall call him Red. To say that Red was a character, who exemplified being totally in-your-face with his life, is an understatement. Sporting a colorful mohawk – mostly purple, as I think that was his favorite color – he would take to the Atlanta gay bars in his tight, equally colorful leggings. And EVERYBODY LOVED Red and his zany sense of humor.
I forget the year I met Red and which bar, but he was so much fun and spirited in an unassuming way. I suppose his outfits and hair took care of that. He was also a very talented songbird, and he did drag. But those weren’t his only interests. He was also a member of the Atlanta Bucks, the rugby team for gay men.
My best memory of Red – other than us trading videos on Facebook of Krystle Carrington and Alexis Carrington Colby duking it out on Dynasty – was around Halloween 2014, we took to Hideaway dressed up as Charlie’s Angels. More specifically, from the “Angels in Chains” episode. And yes, that meant that we, along with another longtime friend and former roommate, were all chained to each other all night long! It was hilarious to say the least.
So, when I learned of his death, oddly enough on September 11 (he passed away the night before), I was shocked and in total disbelief. I had seen him a couple of times a few weeks prior at the Hideaway, one of his fave hangout spots. We shared a hug and talked and laughed and cut up and had a ball. Learning of his passing was tough, considering it really just happened out of the blue.
Everyone was completely devastated over his death. On September 11, of all days, I had to sit and process the fact that the gay community’s beloved Red was gone. And at my age of 55. He was to turn 56 in December.
End of a Queenly Era
As for the Queen, well she was up there in age, 96 years in fact. So, it is of no surprise that she passed away. And I don’t mean that callously. However, age certainly doesn’t preclude the lachrymose feelings someone may have over someone’s death. Queen Elizabeth II left behind children and grandchildren, after all, and she was a much loved grand lady.
Though she was 96, still finding out about the Queen was a shocker, mainly because she had been around for so long you just take it for granted that she would still be with us for a while. I honestly didn’t think Charles would go from being Prince to King – well, so quickly. But here we are. Prince Charles is now KING Charles.
Everyone around the globe is still mourning her death. She reigned for over 70 years! And in my opinion, she was quite a gracious lady. And she even had a robust sense of humor!
And I am so thankful that I FINALLY got a chance to visit England this spring for my birthday. I have plenty of pics and video of Buckingham Palace and the Changing of the Guard. I am smiling now from the wonderful memories. Le sigh …
The Changes Following a Death
A death ALWAYS brings about some sort of change.
There is that emptiness, that void, that canyon of “what do I do now?” And those changes are certainly different for everyone. Again, Prince Charles is now KING CHARLES.
Perhaps there is property to deal with, money, estates, inheritances, children left behind, etc. But I think that biggest change always comes back to this feeling of emptiness, loss, and even loneliness. And yes, uncertainty. Uncertainty of what do I do now? How do I go on?
I can almost guarantee that a great majority of people who experience losing a loved one or a friend or family member is privately and silently asking themselves those key questions.
And I am afraid I don’t have the answers. And this post, unfortunately, will probably not offer any answers, I’m afraid. Simply because everyone is different in their approach to coping with someone’s death.
The Coping
I kid you not when I say that when my beloved grandmother, Costella, passed away in February of 1998, the night following the funeral, I went to Raleigh to the Capital Corral and partied! (I even ran into Javier that night). I am sure numerous individuals are absolutely appalled at the notion of doing such a thing. But I did what I felt I needed to do in order to cope with losing her. She was a second mother to me, after all. And me going to the club was NOT a celebration or a “Yayyy I’m glad she’s dead” kind of thing at all. It was my RELEASE of intense emotions and sadness. I needed to be around people OTHER than family, other than the grief. I needed to be around dancing people and damn good music. And yes, ALCOHOL!!
I am not defending my choice; I am just stating every person is different in their approach to handling the unthinkable and unimaginable concept called death.
It is understandable that people would turn to a Higher Power or God and/or religion. As previously stated in my recent series on religion, having a spiritual life can offer some comfort to those faced with the loss of a loved one. Solace can be found through prayer and comfort from an emissary or representative of God, such as a priest or a pastor and simply other members of a church, synagogue or mosque. Many do find comfort through these avenues during such a difficult time.
The Unexpected Loss of a Child
Unexpected deaths just plainly suck. You are not at all prepared for them like in the case of someone of very advanced age or what I call lingering illnesses. The unexpected deaths are shattering, and you are not at all prepared. And this was the case with my grandmother. Her death was unexpected. Actually, both of my grandmothers were that way. One minute they were here and the next they were gone.
But the worst unexpected death, in my opinion, is the loss of a child. Actually, losing a child period is the worst, I would imagine. First of all, I have no idea what that is like since I have no children. However, I know of two people who are most recently enduring such a horrific circumstance.
One is a coworker and the other is a high school classmate. The coworker lost their child due to police violence. And before I go any further, I will divulge that the coworker’s child, who was in their late 20s, was unarmed. It was a mental health issue actually, which of course is the purpose of my blog. I cannot begin to imagine the pain, frustration, anger, and grief my coworker is going through, and especially the way her child perished senselessly. It is unconscionable. This was a case of the police, ONCE AGAIN, shooting first and asking questions and getting the facts after. And I shall not apologize for my bias on this issue.
As for my classmate, her child was only 18 years of age. And from what I understand, he died in his sleep. The crushing heaviness of such a blow is understandably devastating. Again, I have no idea what this would feel like, but to lose a child in this way is also unthinkable. Again, to lose a child PERIOD is unthinkable. One minute fine and active and happy and in this case, in their first year of college, and then suddenly gone.
YOUR feelings – whatever they may be!!
You are numb. You are angry. You are lost. You are without words. You are in a cesspool of soul-sinking grief. The tears just won’t stop!
You feel like your mind is going to snap. You feel like it already has. You feel you have nowhere to turn.
Perhaps you are tired of hearing everyone say how sorry they are or that they offer their condolences, etc. Nice to hear but it certainly isn’t going to bring your person back. They mean well. But honestly, none of us knows exactly what to say. There are people who try and say “oh, well they are in a better place.” And how would you know WHERE they are?
In the case of a lingering illness, others may say “it’s for the best” or “they’re at peace and no longer suffering,” or even “they are with so and so now.” I honestly try and stay away from assumptions like this, because again, we really don’t know.
But what DO you say???
Maybe the best way to approach someone who is suffering a loss is to just offer to be there for whatever. A sounding board. An opportunity to vent. Cry. Scream. Remember fondly. Talk. Get their mind off things. And yes, to bring food. This is certainly a tradition for a lot of people and cultures, actually, to bring food so the bereaved don’t have to worry about things like that.
Or if that person has lost a spouse, and there are young children left behind, perhaps offering to take the children for a bit or take the children out to the park or the movies, etc.
By the way, silence is okay. It may feel awkward or uncomfortable, but sometimes all a grieving person needs is your physical presence without words. That is definitely okay. Be okay with sitting in silence with the bereaved.
Again, everyone is different.
What Does Grief Do to Your Brain/Mind?
But speaking of the mind, what does grief do to your brain? Your mind? Your mental health?
Well, some people may have what is considered, I suppose, a “normal” grieving process – whatever normal means for them. Some may need more time than others. Therefore, I hesitate to put a timeframe on grief, though I feel there are certainly stages of grief – disbelief, sadness, anger, acceptance. However, if someone is gravitating towards full-on depression, then that could be a problem. Or if that person, let’s say, can’t get out of bed or is having a difficult time handling their responsibilities or distancing themselves away from family or friends or loved ones, then we are talking serious issues.
I truly believe anyone going through a grieving process needs a lifeline to someone else. No one should go through a loss alone, and anyone who vows to stand by that person should be prepared for whatever the grieving person needs as stated earlier.
And I think anyone going through the loss of a loved one or friend should take time to grieve. Make that time for yourself. Yes, absolutely be alone if you need to do that. But make time for others when you feel ready. You’ll know when you are ready for that. Again, everyone deals with their grief in their own way.
However, if it is taking an inordinate amount of time or you are turning to unhealthy choices in order to cope or, heaven forbid, you feel like you want to join your loved one in death and you are having suicidal ideation, please seek help. And online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
This is a pretty heavy-duty topic, and I know I have discussed a great deal in relation to death and dying, yet I feel I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface. By all means if you feel led to do so, please leave me a comment below.
And I also wish to add that two of the most poignant deaths for me personally are my grandmother Costella and my friend Charles Baxter Enzor. I have honestly NEVER gotten over losing them and miss them to do this day. However, I do go on since it has been YEARS since their passing. But I do have all the fond memories, thankfully.
Well, that’s it. I thank you for reading. Until the next time and in the meantime, please be safe and, as always, mentally well.
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
