Category: mental health and well-being

Welcome back, everyone! Today’s post is designed to sort of poke fun at myself while admitting a TRUTH and at the same time also tying it back to mental health. So, wish me luck! 😂🤣😉

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS POST GETS DOWN AND DIRTY AND IS NOT MEANT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART!! AND I MAY COME ACROSS AS A RAVING LUNATIC!! 🤣🤣🤣

But to quote Curly Howard of The Three Stooges – “I don’t care!” 🤣🤣

This is my I DON’T GIVE A FUCK post!  I am letting it all hang out!!!! Total Stream of Consciousness.

So, you’ve been warned!!

Now. On with the show!

One of my favorite quotes from The Golden Girls is in reference to Sophia Petrillo. During the “Moonlight Madness” episode, several of the characters refer to her as “the mean old lady like the paper boy says.” And then finally Sophia admits it herself. 🤣😂 And I have now been saying that about myself, too! It cracks my friends up.

And the below song, by the FABU Annie Lennox, has sort of been my theme song. I have included it before. But please listen again!

Because I AM BITTER!!!! 😁😁😂😂

The older I get, the less I like people. Yeah. Much like Frieda Claxton from The Golden Girls. “I’ve got no use for people and never have.” 😂And I KNOW that I am not the only one.

Animals I love, though. ❣️❣️❣️Oh and I do love the elderly. Lots of wisdom to be gleaned there.

Anyway, that is how I feel now. I am not exactly sure how or where it all began. Hmmm but let me see if I can count the ways:

Being called homophobic slurs as a child (and as an adult) didn’t help.

My own family turning against me and criticizing me, particularly my grandfather, that didn’t help.

Teachers, classmates and so-called friends in secondary school turning against me and criticizing me didn’t help.

And let’s not talk about “The Church” and its hateful homophobic and misogynistic garbage and rhetoric.

And we won’t EVEN begin to delve into my romantic life. Or lack thereof.

Or the mean-spirited, hateful and loathsome people I have worked with over the decades.

The vicious roommates.

Working for certain companies and jobs that brought out THE WORST in me!

Being a part of a certain band that brought out the WORST in me!

Hateful, mean-spirited comments lobbed my way.

Oh and get over it?  No, I think not.  You can still be a BPQ (Bitter Prissy Queen) and be KIND and NICE.  But ready to lob grenades on any other BITCH or BASTARD that tries to go there. 💣

Oh and by the way, if I am coming across as a victim, I DON’T CARE!! 😂🤣

These are MY feelings. Not yours. And I believe in expressing my TRUE feelings regardless of what others think!

I am a total bitch!  I used to be nice.  Okay, I’m still nice. 😉🤣 BUT because of the life circumstances outlined above, and not getting what I want – well… I know.  I am sounding like a whiny, petulant child.  But truthfully?  I am tired of PEOPLE!!  And social media doesn’t help, with all of the constant validation seeking and same tired posts and selfies.  But not just social media.  People in general with their bullshit and those who support TRUMP for some ungodly reason, et al. It all gets on my ever-loving nerves!

I am also sick and tired of people’s rudeness and lack of common sense and courtesy. 

I am sick of SOME millennials with their holier-than-thou attitude and their thinking that they have all of the answers when all you have to do is say BOO and they are offended and crying.  Literal tears.  And acting as if they are so superior and worldly and their belief that they are reinventing the wheel and not realizing it is not about them.  And for the record, my pronouns are:

1. None of your business.
2. Designed for those who are either transitioning or who are nonbinary.  Fight me on this!
3. My pronouns are – ALL OF THEM!!  I DON’T CARE.  Address me by Derek.  Miss Bitch if you’re nasty!! 😂🤣

Oh.  And you don’t have the patent on what is respectful, courteous or politically correct, simply when a joke is a joke.  People are so sick of you. 

I am also a bitter bitch because of how I was treated growing up.  How many BLACK people have come for me during my lifetime?  So, let me make it clear and if you want to try and use this against me later, by all means please do.  But I am not here for you either! 

AND STOP USING YOUR TIRED RELIGION AND CHRISTIANITY TO WEAPONIZE GAY PEOPLE!!! 

And str8 black men, stop acting as if gay men WANT YOU! Maybe the thug-chasing gay white males do; but nine times out of 10, the gay black queens don’t!!

And str8 black actors who refuse to wear a dress on stage, it is FUNNY! It is NOT about sexual orientation! It is COMEDY! Do you not realize that centuries ago, women were NOT allowed to do theatre at all? So, the male actors had to DON A DRESS! It has NOTHING to do with sexual orientation or emasculating your ridiculously fragile ego!

And yes, I am a SISSY, FAGGOT, PUNK and the novel with the title Confessions of a Sissy/Faggot/Punk WILL be coming forth.  Ha!!

Ya see? In essence, this is what happens when:

1. You don’t get what you want.
2. You don’t get the man you want.
3. You don’t get the money you want.
4. You don’t get the toys you want. 😂
5.  You don’t have the life you want.
6. You have been bullied and intimidated your entire life.
7. You are CONSTANTLY surrounded by STUPID PEOPLE!!

At the end of the day, maybe I just need some good old-fashioned sex!  😉😂🤣😁🤔

And a BPQ is all about her convenience. The older I get, the more I prefer to be at home with my creature comforts.

And I don’t think that I am mean.  I just have strong feelings, opinions and thoughts I feel that perhaps should be kept to myself. 🤣😂

But I certainly feel safe stating them here.

The prissiness.  Well, I can thank my homophobic classmates and former friends for that.  Sissy.  Faggot. Punk. I felt soooooo ashamed over being myself.  And afraid to be myself. But now I go up and down those grocery aisles sashaying. Because I am a PRISSY queen!

But at the end of the day, I am so much fun and still loving, despite being a proud Bitter Prissy Queen.  BPQ! ❣️ 🤣😂

A good friend has a t-shirt that says “Tomorrow is not promised.  Cuss them out today!!”

Mentally how has this all affected me? Well, I turned into a BPQ because of all of the above!! 😂😂😂

But seriously, all of the homophobia lobbed my way (and my brothers and sisters’ way) made us all feel down on ourselves. We suffered from low self-esteem, and feelings of unworthiness. And please don’t say we all feel that way at times. I am talking about sexual orientation here. And I doubt very seriously the hets were made to feel bad over being hets.

That truly messes with your mind. It toughens you up, and yes, it can turn you into a BPQ. I don’t know what the lesbian antithesis of this would be. Oh hell, we’ll work on them next week. 😂

Mentally, you don’t have a choice but to toughen up. Perhaps I have taken it to an extreme. But I think not. It is just who I am. And as long as no one gets hurt.

That is all. Off of my soapbox. 😉

Now. Don’t you go away, ya hear? Until you’ve checked out the Derek Store by clicking on the banner below!

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Okay. I’ve ranted and raved enough. Please come back next week when the topic shall be good jobs promote good mental health. Until then, please be safe, and as always, MENTALLY WELL!!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Hello again, my dear friends and readers! Welcome back!

Being an adult can truly be a challenge. Duh! I sorta wrote about this before, in my “Being an Adult (Really Sucks)” post. Please see below:

Being an Adult (Really SUCKS)!

Being a child was not the easiest either. However, there were no bills to pay. No responsibilities except for getting your homework done. And for me, practicing the trumpet. Oh and going to church. LOLOL

But now it is such a chore, bore, and a snore to be an adult, with all of the bills and the taxes and the responsibilities and the trying to get a job and keeping a job, etc., etc. etc.

However, I really want to go underneath the surface of my feelings surrounding being an adult who is now in their – GULP – late 50s!!

Now, I honestly feel very tired as a grownup. I feel everyday has turned into a hamster wheel of the same-old TIRED routine.

I eat the same TIRED food.

I see the same TIRED faces. 😁

I do the same TIRED things.

You get the picture.

And I am sure some of you are saying, “well, perhaps you need to change things up a bit.” “It is up to you to make your life more exciting.”

And you would be correct.

But perhaps the biggest dread of being an adult is our MORTALITY!

Getting older means you are closer to the grave.

Of course, we are all going to die someday. The thing that I have always found distressing is we don’t know the time or the day or the when or the how. I mean, if we came to this world knowing all of that, would we do things differently?

I don’t want this to turn into a post about death, because that is not what I’m really driving at here. It’s just the blah (and anxiety) of adulthood. And that certainly includes dying one day.

And then there is the sheer heaviness of it all, which can be so mentally draining.

There have been times when I have felt unsure, lost and very disconnected from my body. From my life. And just out of place. And disconnected from reality and people. I have felt just weird and strange.

I don’t believe this is depression, because I suppose I refuse to believe that I am depressed. However, this feeling that I have experienced before, I wasn’t sure what to call it until now, the existential dread of being an adult. 😂😂😂

Because I think there is a lot of heaviness, anxiety, and disappointment surrounding adulthood, too.

Sometimes I have felt like a heavy boulder was weighing me down. But why? Is it because I think something is missing in my life?

And this is also where my age comes into play.

I am now 56 years young. And at this stage:

1. I ain’t got no man.
2. I ain’t got no money.
3. I ain’t got no career. 😂🤣

So, I am grappling with all of that, too.

Again, there is the pressure to succeed, to pay the bills, to pay the rent, to keep gas in the car, food on the table – you know, all the shit I described in my previous post on how being an adult really sucks.

But it is also the fact that I don’t have all of the things in my life that I feel I deserve. Yes. DESERVE!! Those items that I listed above.

And it is awful to feel as if you are stuck in mud or trying to pull yourself out of quicksand, and that you don’t have in your life what you truly want.

One of the ways that I have dealt with this feeling, this existential dread is by affirmations. That’s right. You have to be living under a rock if you haven’t heard of affirmations by now. Affirmations or the state of affirming what you want or have, is when you tell yourself POSITIVE things. For example, I used to feel that I couldn’t accomplish something I want, I now tell myself that I can. And I am. I tell myself on a daily basis that I feel good, that I am happy, that I am living in the present moment, that I can handle what comes my way.

This has certainly helped me with that heaviness, that dreaded feeling, the existential dread of being an adult with all of the responsibilities, etc.

And I now just won’t allow life or life circumstances drag me back into that feeling of being stuck in mud. Heck no!

Please check out what I have for you at the Derek Store before exiting!

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Thank you so much for stopping by. Please return next week when I finally just come out and admit that I am nothing but a miserable, old prissy Queen!! 😂🤣🤣 And much like Freida Claxton from Golden Girls! 😁😉

So, until then, please be safe and MENTALLY WELL!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Welcome back, my dearest friends!! Spring has really sprung, and I couldn’t be happier! 🌿🪴😁

Anyway, I am going to keep this post short and sweet (yeah right) and light and airy. I want to talk about what writing means to me, and how it helps my mental health.

I don’t know if it is the clickety clack of the keyboard as I type, or putting my thoughts down in written form, or creating horrid situations for my most beloved characters – but I TRULY LOVE and ENJOY writing!!!

I honestly cannot stop writing. It has become such a regular part of my life, my routine, my existence. That to suddenly stop would be strange and leave me feeling empty.

I am most certainly not the best at it, but I feel this power in creating. I feel that since I cannot control everything that happens in my life, I can at least control what happens in the lives of my characters.

I rather enjoy putting things and people and places together and seeing the outcome.

And one thriller screenplay, one horror screenplay, one TV series, and an entire miniseries later! 😁🤣😂❤️ And I cannot forget my blog, of course, which has now entered its FOURTH YEAR!!

Writing has definitely helped my fragile mental health. I can pour out my strongest feelings in the written word, especially when it comes to my blog. I can tell the world how I REALLY feel WITHOUT judgment. I can call out people and institutions that I find rather distasteful. I can call out actions of others that I find deplorable. I can vent about the current world we are living in. And it is truly freeing!

I can even reexamine my past through a (hopefully) more mature and adult lens.

And all of this indeed helps my mind and my attitude.

Improvements in mental health, et al

I feel better about myself after a really good writing session. I feel accomplished and worthy. My writing even lowers my stress. After all, I can kill people in a script and get away with it. 🤣😂

I even think writing helps to raise my confidence, especially when I share it with the world. So, this is where the blog comes in.

I have been told by people that they ACTUALLY have read and like some of my blog posts. I even had a friend and coworker tell me that one post was spot on of what was going on in her life. She said it resonated with her so strongly that she had her husband read it!! POWERFUL!!

I think because of this ongoing blog and my children’s book, I now have the courage to showcase my writing to the world. So, this summer, I intend to start submitting my screenplays to contests! Stay tuned…

The Pen is Mightier… And All That

I enjoy writing so much, that I still write in hand with my trusty pen. For example, I STILL keep an Oprah-style gratitude journal, and I have been journaling steadily for over 23 years now!! And boy have I documented some shite! 🤣🤔😉

I find such joy in detailing my day to day life in those journals. I have now amassed several for each year, documenting not only my five – actually now 10 things – I am grateful for, but I also document what happens in my life.

And sometimes I enjoy returning to the past and seeing and remembering what I was up to back in the day by going back and rereading old journals! Ooooo and my eyes sure do burn from reliving my antics! 🤣 One of these days I am just going to pour a really good stiff drink 🍹🍸, and have a great time reminiscing over all of those fond – and some not-so-fond – memories.

In summation, I am most certainly going to keep writing, whether it’s my journal, my blog, my screenplays, TV series or miniseries. Viva my writing!!

Now, you know you don’t wanna split until you’ve visited the Derek Store to see what new goodies I have for y’all! 😂

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So, that’s it. Short and sweet and light and airy, as promised. 😉😁Please come back next week when I go hard and heavy on the existential dread of being an adult. Don’t miss this one either!! Until then, please stay safe, and as always, MENTALLY WELL!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Hello, everyone! Welcome back to another round of putting that mental imbalance in check! LOL

It is no secret that I definitely have the weirdest of dreams. Even I wake up sometimes thinking ‘now where did THAT come from?’

So, I will try to remember some of the craziest in the last month or so. And I know. I know. I should be writing these down. But I do have a pretty good memory for my dreams, whereas others do not.

First, I am going to tell each dream. And then after the list, I am going to give my analysis of each. Just let the titles be your guide

Derek Gives Birth!

The most recent was me giving birth or rather, me having a child. It was a male infant, who suddenly became a teenager. My Mississippi family, my mother’s fam, were featured prominently in the dream. I recall my cousin Michelle and her mother/my Aunt Edna being there. I think my mother was there, too. We were in a house, but I’m not sure where. Anyway, my teen son confronted me and told me in no uncertain terms that I did not want him. Whoa! Plus, the father was nowhere in sight.

2632 Georgia Avenue

I am not sure if the baby dream was the same night as the following, but I dreamt that I was back in my old apartment in Washington, D.C., 2632 Georgia Avenue, which is now a nightclub. 🍸🍹😂 Fitting. 😂 My parents were there, too. I don’t believe I was a child, though. The most telling part of the dream was that the entire apartment was empty, yet we seemed to be living there. And I got the impression we were poor.

The Scary Old Mansion

Every now and then, I will have this dream where I am in a huge, old house, which is like a mansion. I seem to know all of the rooms, and the house seems to go on forever. The other interesting thing about this house is the backyard, which seems to be unkempt and even deadly. Yes. Deadly. It is quite vast, and there are lots and lots of bugs back there, especially flying insects, including bees. There are these statues that are very old. I want to say there is a huge chasm in the ground that is very wide. I recall lots of vines surrounding the house. But the most telling, again, is that backyard, which is so terrifying.

1002 Montgomery Street Revisited

Now, speaking of houses, I must mention that I STILL dream about the house I was raised in, the one and only 1002 Montgomery Street in Wadesboro, N.C. (that my father sold out from under my aunt). Yeah. I said it. In my dreams, the house takes on sometimes frightening dimensions, especially the exterior. The most recent dream I had was going out my front door, which now seems to mostly be at night. And it’s almost as if the house is trying to keep me inside of it. OR I am not supposed to go outside, because there is sometimes this forcefield that keeps me from opening the door. And when I am able to open the door, there are these deadly plants that almost prevent me from leaving the front porch. In this last dream, it was a huge Venus Flytrap, with VERY sharp teeth. (Can we say Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors – “FEED ME, SEYMOUR!” — Yes, and I played the plant voice in a stage production wayyyyy back in the day!!!) But I digress. I was able to stay out of its way. And sometimes when I am able to make it to the road, and let’s say I try to go down the road, there are these plants or trees that impede me. And this is even in the daylight. It is not always like this, but beforehand when I dream about the house or in particular the street itself, I was always able to go up or down it with no problems. But it seems that now when I dream about the street, I am impeded in some horrible way. Oh and there is always this feeling that I am trying to escape…

Back to UNC!

Ah yes! The Carolina dreams! I used to dream a lot about being back in low school. Well, you know it as HIGH SCHOOL. But now I am dreaming more and more about my time at Carolina. I think the most telling part of my Carolina dreams are that I am definitely back in school, and I am trying very hard to attend my classes. BUT I don’t always seem to make it in time or I miss all together. In my dreams, I keep telling myself that I am going to study harder and do better, and I feel like I am doing much better, yet I feel like I have missed too many classes, and I am going to fail. The other telling part of the dream is my change in residence. One minute I am in a dorm. The next minute I am in an apartment. And it also appears that I have been staying more at the apartment than the dorm, and that a lot of my stuff is still back in the dorm! I return thinking my stuff has been thrown out, but it’s still there, but sometimes in another dorm room. Another interesting part of the Carolina dreams are the structure of the class buildings. They suddenly turn into something straight out of Ancient Rome LOL It’s like I am back in Europe, but very lost trying to get to class, which I never make. Also, there is a carnival-like atmosphere to the Carolina campus, filled with fun rides and lots and lots of food stands, oh and even rollercoasters!

Derek, Let Your Hair Grow

My hair dreams. Okay. For those of you who know me personally, you know my hair is normally short and cut close. However, right now my hair is much longer. Normally, I do not let it get to this point. As a matter of fact, I sometimes refer to it as my pandemic hair. 😂😀 The reason I decided to let it grow out is in protest of the fluctuating SUPPOSEDLY colder, “winter” temperatures. I do plan to get it cut, as soon as the weather decides it wishes to be warm FOR REAL! But I digress. In my hair dreams, my hair is MUCH longer, down to my shoulders and almost down my back and to my butt! And more often than not, I am female! Truthfully, I have always wanted long hair. When I was a kid, I used to put a towel on my head, walk around the house, and say I was a “Girl! Girl! Girl!” I know I mentioned that in an earlier post. Needless to say, my grandmother and aunt didn’t like it. Oh. Well.

The Mystery of the Twisted, Weird Staircase (That Goes Nowhere)

I often dream about stairs. Sometimes they are going up. And sometimes they are going down. And sometimes they just don’t lead ANYWHERE! And sometimes they are not even connected, to the point where it is nearly impossible to climb up or down! So, strange!

2632 Georgia Avenue Take 2

I have already mentioned 2632 Georgia Avenue in Washington, D.C. However, I need mention it again, the recurring part of it. I STILL dream about that place, and trying to leave mostly. More often than not, I am walking down those steep red steps. Sometimes I am running away from something or at least I feel like I am. (When I lived there, dreaming about that damn dresser drawer in the living room where I slept coming to life to get me is reason enough to try and escape!!) In the dreams, it is mostly nighttime. However, sometimes they are in the daytime. And I am quite often either trying to go down Georgia Avenue or go up Georgia Avenue. And it is as if I cannot go but so far in either direction.

D.C. on My Mind

And speaking of D.C., I have noticed that the D.C. dreams don’t always start in the old apartment. Sometimes, I am way up Georgia Avenue and I am trying to get back to the apartment. Or I am way down Georgia Ave. trying to return 2632. Or it’s night, and I am lost somewhere in D.C. and I am trying to get to my parents’ current house. These dreams normally take place at night. Sometimes I am successful in finding my way back (considering I have the worst sense of direction in the world), but more often than not, I am not able to get back there.

Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! SEX!!!

Well, I may as well go there and mention the sex dreams. I will try and keep it as PG as possible for certain readers. 😱😉😁

There is no other way to put this except to just say it, because we’re all adults here: I dream about performing oral sex on men. A lot of men. Sometimes several men at the same time. It is also not unusual for me to dream about penises without male bodies coming out of nowhere for me to do my thing with. 😁😱😂😱😱😄🤣

And more often than not, the penises will then have muscular men attached. I normally don’t know who the men are or I can’t see them. But the sex is fantastic!! I also dream about seeking men to have sex with, strange men. And most of the time, I am indeed successful. Sometimes it is penetrative sex where I am being penetrated, and sometimes I am doing the penetrating. It is all wonderful!!

Derek’s Analyses

I will try to make these short and sweet, but you know how I ramble. 😄

The “Derek Gives Birth” Analysis

First of all, I have dreamt of either being pregnant or giving birth before. And I have been told before, by an Uber driver en route to the car dealership once (don’t ask), that I was trying to give birth to something, like a career. She said it was as a motivational speaker. Um WRONG! However, I have also been told the same thing by others I know. When I told the dream to one of my good friends recently, she asked what it was I was trying to give birth to. I don’t think it is a physical child, obviously, though I am certain I was a mother MULTIPLE times in previous lives. I feel that I am indeed trying to give birth to my creative ideas and to my writing and acting career. The part about my teen son telling me I didn’t want him could be reflective of the relationship between me and MY mother. I used to feel that maybe she didn’t want me, but I don’t believe that’s true based on our conversations surrounding the topic. And in the dream, my mother was there. The fact that no father was in sight says to me that I am on my own. But it also says that heck, I’m single. 😂🤣

2632 Georgia Avenue Analysis

This says to me that perhaps I will ALWAYS have a connection to that place since I used to live there. Also, the fact that it was bare could just simply be the fact that a nightclub has now taken it over. Or it could be the dismal feeling I had when I lived there, with all of my nightmares, et al. The part about my parents being poor is laughable since they are far from it! But I am! Poor that it is. 🤣 Or truthfully, it could be that the entire dream represents a facade of the happiness I thought my parents had, which they really didn’t and still don’t. That could be the emptiness/poverty part of the dream. I don’t think it has to do with money at all.

The Scary Old Mansion Analysis

Honestly, I think it is perhaps a past life thing. I think either I owned the mansion OR I worked there as a servant. The significance of the decrepit nature suggests to me that it WAS indeed an old mansion, and that perhaps when I lived there I was old, again either as the servant or the master. Also, it could also suggest that everything there was decaying, not necessarily the place, but the feelings, emotions, and the people there. I think something terrifying happened there, hence, the insects, etc., which could signify death and decay. And maybe there were dead bodies there. The chasm could represent a deep divide between the servants and the master and others living in the mansion. Perhaps the master (me) treated the servants horribly, which would explain why people in my current life try to treat me horribly. 🤔😔

1002 Montgomery Street Revisited Analysis

Truthfully, I have no idea why I am now dreaming that the shrubbery and greenery surrounding my FORMER house and my former street are trying to kill me. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a green thumb like my grandmother Costella and maybe because I have inadvertently killed many a plant in my day. 🤔😂🌿🪴 But whatever it is, I would guess that it has more to do with the house than the street. I think I experienced so much pain living there that it’s like trying to keep me inside the house, whereas I wish to escape. It’s like the plants are guarding that house. Or I am wondering if the greenery is representative of my grandmother who DID have a green thumb and always kept a garden. Perhaps she wants to keep me in that house, because she was always overly protective of me, to the point I felt it was a bit over the top, hence the Venus Flytraps and deadly plants.

Back to UNC Analysis

I remember reading somewhere that college dreams mean you are on a higher plane, a higher level of consciousness. And believe you me, I have been trying! LOL I have been dreaming more about college than high school lately. And this time in my college dreams, I am really trying to do better than I did way back in the day at Carolina before becoming a music major. I am wanting to do well and put my best foot forward, whereas my first two years at Carolina, I sort of goofed off. And then again, I was in that stupid cult. In my current life, I am more ambitious than ever. I am NOT goofing off when it comes to my Derek “stuff.” I am desiring to do the very best I can. I feel like I am making up for lost time by being extremely focused and dedicated. I am being an overachiever during this late stage of my life. 🤣😂 I think the carnival part of it signifies the fun I did have while at Carolina.

Derek, Let Your Hair Grow Analysis

I am trying to remember what that actually means. Pardon me as I look it up. Here is what I found at the top of Google. 😊 Long hair in a dream symbolizes femininity, sensuality, and beauty. It can also represent freedom, power, and strength. Alternatively, it may indicate a desire for change or a need to let go of something. Think about the context of the dream and how the long hair made you feel. The femininity is spot on as I am gay, but more importantly I KNOW I was a woman in PREVIOUS lifetimes. I can also relate to the “freedom, power and strength” as I definitely desire freedom and more power in my life, but also I feel as though I am getting stronger and stronger everyday. Now, I am most desirous of change in my life, as I am sick and tired of the same old-same old every doggone day. And I, of course, need to let go of something, well actually a lot of things. But also I think my long hair may be representative of some of these past lives as women. And I just remembered that long hair can signify wisdom.

The Mystery of the Twisted, Weird Staircase (That Goes Nowhere) Analysis

I have read that stair dreams indicate the direction your life is going. So, if you are going up the stairs, that shows you are ascending in your personal life – you know, growing, becoming better, etc. However, the opposite is true if you are descending the stairs, you apparently are going down in life. And I have experienced both in my dreams. And I don’t think it takes a genius to figure out when the stairs go NOWHERE, as I have experienced in my dreams. The impossible stairs I have no clue as to what that could possibly mean. Could that mean the waking dreams I have in my life of desiring to be a writer and actor are impossible? Or I still think it is?

2632 Georgia Avenue Take 2 Analysis

I honestly believe the trying to leave the apartment signifies me trying to escape, trying to get the hell out of there. I hated and still hate D.C. with a fiery passion. I have NEVER liked that place, and my mother knows it because I constantly and still very often bring it up. 2632 was scary for me as I have outlined previously. D.C. is still scary to me. 😂

And it just occurred to me that perhaps the reason I keep dreaming about both D.C. AND 1002 Montgomery Street is that I am trying to escape my current life!!

D.C. on My Mind Analysis

Speaking of D.C., I really don’t understand why I would dream about the city itself unless it does have to do with my general unease and anxiety about the place, which could be reflective of the anxiety I feel in my waking life – sometimes. D.C. is just vast and huge, and I am not necessarily a fan of huge cities anymore. I find them intimidating, and I am quite often lost in my general D.C. dreams, like I am trying to find something. And perhaps I am just lost in my waking life, too. And I often feel that way.

Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! SEX!!! Analysis

I am just going to say the explanation and analysis are quite obvious: I need SEX! 🤣😂🤣 And I am very horny all the time. And I LOVE MEN!!!!!!! So. Enough. Said.

Please click on the Derek Store below on your way out the door. 😂🤣

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That’s it for now. Please return next time when the topic will be the joy I find in writing. Until then, please stay safe and mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Photo attribution: Unsplash, Andy He, Manny Moreno, Steve Kelso, Carolyn Keene

Greetings, all! Welcome back to another fun-filled journey into our collective mental health!

So, we have ALL been on Facebook. We have ALL posted our accomplishments on Ye Olde Facebook and social media.

However, what if it turns into validation seeking or need for approval or just bragging?

When Facebook (or rather FB as I shall refer to it hence going forward), started years ago, it was a way to keep up with your friends and family, particularly those at a distance. And I do understand that is what a lot of people use it for. However, it really has gotten out of hand. And it is rather disturbing.

Now that everyone has a platform to be “seen,” they are just running with it, with endless banal selfies! (Ugh! Bitch! We know what you look like!)

It probably all started with one selfie that garnered a lot of likes, and it became like a drug to keep posting more and more to get that adrenaline rush! Truly sad.

And now the videos, particularly TikTok, that display users performing outlandish, silly acts, inserting themselves in other people’s videos, which pulse grotesquely in the background.

Give me a break!

I am going to start off by saying I have a LOT of actor friends on my feed. And yes, they do post their upcoming projects.

But I do have one actor friend who seems to take it to an extreme. She gets a plethora of projects in the film/TV industry. However, the way she posts her successes seem as if she is trying to gain attention and validation rather than a simple ‘hey, guys! I wanted to let you know that I am going to be in this upcoming show/movie, etc.’ It becomes an in-depth explanation of the cast she is working with – i.e. name-dropping, which is also fine, I suppose. Yet the names that are dropped are not A-list actors.

And the whole #actorslife – I’m sorry let me rewrite that: NUMBER SIGN Actors Life, is just plain DUMB. Yes. And I said that, too.

I am on the page of SEVERAL A-list actors, and they don’t do this. So, it sounds to me that SOME actors are not used to anything. The saying I grew up with is that if someone has to be outlandish and flaunt their money or success, then they are not used to having it.

But I digress. And moving on.

Then there are the anniversary people. You know, ‘me and so-and-so have been together for EON years.’ Yet, they don’t mention the part that their partner/husband/wife is an atrocious, loathsome piece of dried dog doo, who is a dipsomaniac, who beats and cheats on them. Oh. Yeah. Let’s celebrate that. RME – Rolling My Eyes. 🙄

Speaking of our lovely, loving couples, how about the ones who must post where they are dining with the tag “Having lunch/dinner with my love?” As if we don’t know that you are already partnered/married and that this person is supposed to be your love. Sounds to me as if someone is trying to convince somebody of something.

I actually know several couples who do not do this, who have been together for years, and yet they are still in love with each other. However, they don’t feel the need to remind everyone, especially when it is mealtime. Just sayin’.

The constantly going on a trip people. Well, damn I wish I had it like that.

Oh and don’t ask them where they get their money to do it. Retired people I can understand. They have worked hard all their lives to enjoy their travels. And I say, hey – ENJOY! Now, I AM jealous over that! Wish I was retired and able to travel the world.

But the ordinary people like you and me. Ha! Again, don’t ask them how they can afford all those trips. Might get your feelings hurt. Well, a thought just occurred to me. Since you’re sharing your 80 Days Around the World, then why don’t you share your bank account, too? Just a thought.

I guess what I am saying is I have grown sick and tired of seeing all of this. And no, I have given up on comparing my life to these people and feeling that my life is inadequate. I do enjoy my simple little life of writing, reading, blogging, etc. And me posting a weekly blog, I think, is a HUGE accomplishment.

What I have learned from social media and keeping up with all of my “friends” is that in the end I just don’t care anymore. I told my roommate/friend/coworker just the other night that I no longer care what goes on in someone else’s life. I don’t wish any harm to come to anyone. I hope everyone in my feed is safe and okay. But must I know about EVERY single little detail of their lives? No sour grapes here, but do I need to know where you are jetting off to today?

Or what year you are on in your married/partnered life?

Or which vacation you are on today? That I didn’t get invited on?

Do I really need to know what TV show or movie you’re going to be in? Wasting my damn time on a show or movie that I wouldn’t even normally watch just because you’re in it for TWO WHOLE MINUTES????

DO YOU REALLY NEED TO SEE AND READ EVERY ONE OF MY BLOG POSTS??

The answer to all of the above is NO!!

There are friends who are in bands. For some reason, I don’t count those, even though I really desire to be in another band. But when they post, they are simply posting about their upcoming shows, which I have promised to go see at some point in time. However, they are not bragging, in my opinion. They are just letting us know they are doing a show. Simple. Easy. Done. They are not going down a rabbit hole of how fabulous they are.

So, I am taking a little break from FB, something that a lot of people feel the need to do from time to time, because of the above.

It is not that we are comparing ourselves. Or even jealous. It is just for the sake of our mental health.

This ain’t 6th grade any longer, and I do not feel the need to participate in this foolishness as much as I used to. Neither do I feel the need to keep up with the Joneses or feel inadequate about myself or what I am doing.

This is a bit off topic, but even the consistent birthday wishing is getting on my nerves! I have finally realized I am fine if a gazillion people don’t wish me a Happy Birthday on social media. The most important thing is as long as I’m alive on my birthday!

But why do people feel a need to do it? Brag. Why?

It has taken me a long time to realize that it has to do with low self-esteem. Let’s face it. The only true recognition some people find is on social media, where everyone can be a STAR. It’s sort of sad really.

There is no reason at all to be jealous of the attention they get. Or to even feel inadequate about yourself or what is going on in your own life. Or not going on. It may sound silly, cliched or obvious, but as long as you are happy within yourself!

And I know PLENTY of people who are not even on FB and don’t ever intend to get on it. And believe me, they seem to be doing just fine.

I don’t need all of the attention or the likes and the hugs and tugs. I am an adult. My life does NOT revolve around a bunch of fake likes from people who are not really my friends. I sleep just fine without the adoration. And nope. Once again not bitter about it. Just sick of seeing the same tired faces posting the same tired crap. Yawn.

In the end, it is all better for my overall mental health anyway.

Now, don’t y’all go away without checking out the Derek Store, by clicking on the banner below! 😉😂

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That is it for today. Please return next week when the topic will be dreams, a topic I haven’t delved into a long, long time. So, please stay tuned and, until then, be safe and mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Hi there! Welcome back! The title mentions “weaponized incompetence,” and I know a lot of you are asking what the heck is that. Well…

Weaponized incompetence was first phrased by Jared Sandberg in a 2007 Wall Street Journal article in which he discussed how employees will feign ineptitude in order to appear helpless and, therefore, needing help from other coworkers to, in essence, do their work or perform their tasks for them.

However, it isn’t just in the workplace, but it can appear in social and even romantic relationships, as well.

And between husbands and wives, where one partner refuses to take responsibility for household duties and will either appear to be unable to carry out those duties or may simply refuse to do them for whatever reason.

So, basically, weaponized incompetence can also be seen as a form of manipulation and that it can indeed be done on purpose, for whatever reason.

NOTE: I THINK WE’VE ALL DONE IT AT SOME POINT IN TIME IN OUR LIVES!

I know I’ve done it in the workplace when there was something I didn’t really want to do. Not gonna lie. And I’m pretty sure I’ve done it in my personal life. However, I am really glad that this type of behaviour has been brought to my attention.

Anyway, a friend and coworker turned me onto the phrase last year when describing how my father will not lift a finger to help my mother around the house. He relies on her to do all of the cooking AND the cleaning.

This coworker elaborated that perhaps my father was intentionally getting out of helping around the house, therefore, using weaponized incompetence or WI, as I shall call it going forward.

Here is where I believe my father’s WI originated. The following is the story as told by my mother:

Many years ago, and I think I was in college when this happened, my grandfather Frank told my father to not ever help my mother with household duties. Why he said that I don’t know. But my father, to this day, does NOT help my mother with any domestic chores. Oh sure, he will drive her to work and to the grocery store, etc.

But he will not help cook (she says she doesn’t want him to do that anyway, because she says he’s nasty 😂).

He will not help clean.

He will not help pay for groceries.

He will pay half on their bills, but he will not pay for new appliances or furniture or anything like that. As I have stated before, he is such a reprehensible person.

Now, he has to use a cane. And so it is almost as if he is using WI to feign being incapable of doing anything, especially now that he has that cane.

So, husbands using WI to get out of performing household duties really isn’t a new thing. I mean, it sounds familiar where the man doesn’t lift a finger around the house, and all of those menial tasks are, therefore, delegated to the woman.

I can only imagine the hostility that can emerge as a result of this.

I realize there are people who are the “you’re not doing it right. Then I may as well do it” type. We all know those types. They feel that they can perform the job better or if it’s not done THEIR way, then they will just do it themselves. And the WI offender may certainly use this to their advantage.

However, does this sort of behaviour do anyone any good?

And again, the offender may just be doing the task poorly on purpose!

Honestly, this sounds like the work of children. Wouldn’t a child pretend to not be able to do something simply to get out of doing it? Just a thought.

Now my two cents on the matter. For the sake of everyone’s mental health who have fallen prey to this, kick that lazy-ass husband out!!

Fire that “incompetent” coworker, because if you are not pulling your weight, then what good are you to the company?

This all may sound extreme. So, try a different approach: The next time that coworker pulls this bullshit, then take the time to show them how to do said task. And then from that point on, they are on their own.

As far as the lazy husband (or wife) – fine. Clean YOUR space and cook YOUR OWN meals, and allow that lazy SOB to fend for themselves!

Going back to my mother, she does REFUSE to do my father’s laundry! 😂😂😂

Mentally, WI helps no one. I think in the end that WI can cause bitterness, resentment, guilt, and lots and lots of conflict, whether the WI is done on purpose or not. And perhaps there could be self-esteem issues if the WI is not done on purpose and the offender feels that someone is constantly doing something for them because they are unable to do it themselves.

Before you go, please visit my Derek Store. You never know what you might find. 😉

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Please return next week when the discussion will be on bragging, especially with regard to social media. You will not want to miss.

So, until then please be safe and, as always, mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Sources:

Hello, all. I am back with another potentially controversial and hot topic.

Religious Guilt. And leaving it behind. 

Other keywords: Religious trauma. Religious abuse.

For starters, please click on the banner below to witness my religious indoctrination in a cult.  

Religion: Helpful? Or Harmful and Toxic? Part 2

It has been my personal experience with religion, that EVERYTHING is a sin. We are ALL sinners, according to the Christian Bible, and “we have come short of the glory of God,” apparently by merely existing. 

In other words, MY interpretation (and probably the interpretation of others) is that we are all horrible, bad people who do not deserve anything but the back of God’s hand. There. Did I describe it correctly? 

As religious people, we (may) feel that we are worthless in the eyes of God, and that HE is the only way to redeem us. Well, this is what the Bible and other religions teach us. However, for some people it turns into this ingrained belief that we are nothing, and as stated above despicable, guilty, and worthless human beings. People do not understand that this really can negatively affect your self-esteem, self worth and psyche.  

Let’s talk about those religious individuals and their view of the world. Nine times out of 10, their purview of the world through their religious lens is that the world is sinful, bad and that as a religious person you are not to partake of ANYTHING of this world, else you will be damned for eternity. Oh so there’s the fear element, as well. 

The shame, the guilt, and the condemnation. 

My experience has been that there are many “religious” people who are just downright mean and nasty. They weaponize religion and think that’s their golden ticket to heaven. And truthfully, nobody’s got time for all that anymore. 

And then you leave said religion, and the GUILT follows you. Let me tell you it has taken me DECADES to free myself of the voices of guilt ingrained in me, not only from my experiences in that nasty church I attended in college, but also of my own grandmother’s voice echoing in my brain.

“If you are disobedient, God’ll shorten your days.”

“Give the Lord some of your time.”

She wanted me to (continue to) go to church once I hit Carolina’s campus. And that is what led me into the cult. Again, please see above. 

Now. What do I actually mean by religious guilt?

I define it as being a part of a particular religion in which you experience feelings of guilt towards everything from sexuality to money to just simply being a human being. However, your particular religion speaks against whatever you may just be feeling guilty over.

The best example, I think, is being gay. Homosexuality. There are numerous people who are religious AND gay, and they experience such feelings of guilt over their NORMAL sexual orientation. After all, the Bible (and other religious books) have horrendous things to say about homosexuality, none of them good or positive. 

This religious guilt is definitely spread across most religions. When I think of those religions where people experience the highest feelings of religious guilt (or from now on I will refer to it as RG) are Catholics and Christians. Oh, and those individuals who have kicked their religions to the curb. I must include them, as I will be speaking about those people in a minute. I’m one of them by the way.

As I said earlier, I really do believe that the highest feelings of RG center around sexuality and/or sexual orientation. 

After all, basically all religions say that in order to engage in sexual intercourse or any form of sexual activity at all, you must be MARRIED. And that sex must be between a MAN and a WOMAN. Whatever.

So, even the str8s don’t get a break where sexuality is concerned, that is if they are religious. They must wait until marriage, and certainly a lot of religious females hold onto their virginity until then.

Whatever you choose to do with your body is most certainly your business. And I would never tell anyone to ‘screw your religion and go out and be a whore.’ No. How you feel is how you feel. That’s your personal right and your personal choice. 

And perhaps if certain religions loosened up on sexual activity, perhaps there wouldn’t be such high incidences of pastors and preachers and PRIESTS engaging in sexual activity with CHILDREN!!!

But I will say this. Regardless of what religious book is out there (because keep in mind, at the end of the day it was really written by a man, though the idea is it is by the inspiration of God) – anyway, regardless of what the books say and the scriptures and the religion, sexuality is actually a very basic and NORMAL thing. And my little secular pea brain always thought, what is the big deal to engage in sexual activity? As long as it is between two consenting adults (or more), no one is being hurt or forced, then it is all right. These bodies were built for pleasure.

And then there’s abortion. Uh. Oh. Here. We. Go.

My opinion on abortion, for what it’s worth is IT’S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS AND THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD STAY OUT IT!

I also wrote a rather lengthy post on the striking down of Roe v. Wade. No doubt the religious fanatics were happy over that one. However, I really don’t think they understand what they have done. They have placed a great number of women’s health in jeopardy.

GO TO HELL, SCOTUS!

I would venture a guess that all religions feel the same about abortion: That it is a no no and a sin. Murder is one of the keywords surrounding the issue of abortion. Many people think it is murder. I do not because the embryo cannot be viable outside of the woman’s body.

Also, you don’t know the reason why a woman makes the decision to terminate her pregnancy. If I were a bio female, and I was pregnant, I don’t know if I could make that decision. But that is how I THINK I would feel about it. And there are the circumstances surrounding the reason why a woman makes that choice. What may be right for me, may not be right for someone else, and vice versa. 

However, religion could play a huge factor in a woman’s decision as to whether or not she is going to end her pregnancy.

More of that guilt.

Moolah. MONEY!!

Because of my financial situation, I sometimes revert to the old mindset of tithing, or NOT tithing, as the reason why I’m money challenged all the time. 

I do not tithe to any church. However, it occurred to me, that instead of sending my money to a church, why don’t I start giving to charities? Give to people who REALLY need it. And I have started that, and I have seen some little miracles surrounding my money!

The tithing thing stuck with me for a long time. I have heard from MANY preachers “if you don’t tithe your money and give your 10%, you will be broke!”

That isn’t true. I believe that when “you give, you receive.” The concept that a lot of churches use is WRONG, in my opinion. Money is energy and on an endless loop. It is the cycle of giving. However, I do believe man tainted it with HIS interpretation with regard to religion.

Again, I don’t wish to tell anyone what to believe or what to do with their money.

I QUIT!!

The RG, around those of us who quit that mess, can be overwhelming. And I say it, because imo religion is a MESS!!

Being involved with United Christian Fellowship, when I was in college, nearly drove me insane. The constant having to watch what I say and do, and to attend church all the time and the praying in church early in the morning, which was a requirement if you were going to join the praise band, which I did on both trumpet AND clarinet. 

But it was the not being able to watch secular TV and yes, particularly my soaps between 1985 and 1987, or listen to secular music, that truly caused me to go off the deep end. I literally started hearing voices, (well, more like intrusive thoughts, which is the reason why I started this blog). 

I do not believe I am schizophrenic, neither do I suffer from hallucinations, and I do believe this cult experience set my OCD, which I still struggle with today, into HIGH gear!!

I felt TREMENDOUS guilt during my time in the cult when I would purchase secular music, listen to it in secret, and then throw it away! That is how messed up I was! I was roommates then with my former bestie Charles, who was also in the cult. So, I couldn’t let him know what I was up to. Ugh! I shudder when I think back to all of that.

I felt horrible about myself. I couldn’t do ANYTHING that came natural to me, and yes, that would include masturbation. There. I said it. 

And to have a gay thought, oh forget that! 

Fast forward to much later in my life many years after the cult, some of my thoughts included:

‘God doesn’t like me.’

‘He wants me to suffer.’

‘Things will never change for me for the better because I left the church.’

And hearing from certain preachers, things like:

‘All dreams are not of God.’ Well, I felt that was speaking about my acting and writing.

‘God is here to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.’

And there was the tithing, money thing. I believed that because I wasn’t tithing to a particular church was the reason why I was poor all the time.

And let me not forget when I returned to school for medical transcription and medical billing and coding. In my medical billing and coding class, I UNFORTUNATELY ended up in a class with all BLACK WOMEN. It was a small class, but the thing is that all of them were CHRISTIANS. And they claimed that they were having church rather than having class, which was highly inappropriate. And I should have said something. I should have left.

And my little friend Katrina who would say “I’m only the messenger” whenever she would basically speak against something we should not be doing. For example, when I told her I was a playwright, she told me one time that I should be writing only “Christian plays!” And once again, I felt guilty because I wasn’t!!

But the bitch was actually fucking her boyfriend, and they WERE NOT married! Bitch, bye!

All of the above was just MESSED UP!!!

So, in essence, I have NOTHING good to say about religion!

I am not knocking religion (okay, maybe just a little). Hahaha! All I will say is that as far as I’m concerned, religion should make you a BETTER person. You should not be judgmental. You should not be in the habit of condemning people, but accepting people for who they are. And above and beyond all else, you should display kindness ALWAYS and be helpful to others. 

And your religion should NOT be used as a weapon against others. What do I mean by that? Using YOUR religion to make others feel guilty or to condemn them or make them feel bad. 

If God is THAT concerned with me masturbating, listening to secular music, and watching secular television programs – and considering the truly evil things that go on across the globe, such as child abuse, politicians stealing from us, deranged presidential candidates, rape, murder, wars – yet He is more concerned over what little Derek is doing, that’s a problem. I am NOT the big bad wolf, regardless of what religion I may profess!

Besides, if you need a religion to be a good person, then maybe your religion isn’t as rock solid as you may think. I take that back. Maybe YOU are not as rock solid as you think. You don’t need a particular religion to know right from wrong. But I suppose you think you need one to get into heaven. Chirp. Chirp. Cricket. Cricket.

I think one of the ways to escape RG is through therapy. I know. I know. The answer to EVERYTHING. But you need an outside ear to help you navigate the choppy waters of either feeling that guilt within your said religion or from leaving that religion altogether. 

First of all, you are not a bad person. You are a HUMAN. However, a great number of religions ask you to act as if you are superhuman. We are all fallible. We all make mistakes. But you learn from them and move on. Again, doesn’t make you a bad human.

Someone once told me “humans are messy.” Yes. We are. Regardless of who are you, who you think you are, and who you proclaim to be. And most certainly what religion you may profess.

Before you exit, please stop by my Derek Store!!

Home

That’s it for today. Please return next time when I discuss weaponized incompetence. You’re probably asking WTH is that? Well, you’ll have to stay tuned to find out. Until then, please be safe and mentally well!   

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Sources:

Escaping Religious Trauma: How to Begin Healing from This Harmful Experience

Welcome back, my dear readers and friends!

WARNING: Today’s post is NOT intended to be a nice one, but definitely an honest one.

I STILL hold grudges. There. I said it. I most certainly do, and I am not going to lie about it or keep it to myself any longer. 

People are always saying “let it go.” And I don’t think they even know what that really means or how to actually let something go. Easier said than done, especially if even when you think about someone who hurt you or did you wrong DECADES ago, and the same feelings of bile, vitriol, and even hate, bubble up to the surface. 

Oh and I even wrote a post about the whole letting go thing. Check it out below.

The Art of REALLY Letting Go!

So, I don’t want to hear “Derek, just let it go? What good does it do you to hold onto it?” And my personal favorite, “you need to forgive so-and-so for such-and-such.”

First of all, there is no such word as forgiveness in the Taurus vocabulary!! 😂🤣♉🐂

I honestly think tossing around the word “forgiveness” is so overused. I understand what people mean by it, but I think what they really mean is to move on from the hurt. Now, THAT is something I can relate to. I do not sit around thinking about all the hurts perpetuated upon me my entire life or the people who committed the acts of pain in my life. I keep myself rather busy with my blog, for instance, and other wonderful things in my life.

Secondly, let me explain my position.

If you do something to me, and it hurt me, and then I tell you about it and/or you realize you did something wrong where am I concerned, and you actually apologize SINCERELY – then you stand a much better chance of forgiveness from me. And yes, I have forgiven people before and moved on, and even remained friends. There are also people that I did forgive WITHOUT them acknowledging their wrong, etc. Those types of forgivenesses – is that a word 😂 are only reserved for family, mostly.

And forgiving to me means you are overlooking what someone did. And I don’t believe in that. I believe in actually moving FORWARD and not THINKING about the person and the injustice. I also make a mental note of that person and tell myself “okay. THAT’S how they REALLY are. I do not wish to be involved with them anymore.” 

But no, you ain’t getting a forgiveness from me, unless a couple of the above conditions exist, i.e. a sincere apology. And we all know how earth things are about apologies.  

You shouldn’t have done or said what you did in the first place. I don’t do it or try not to, and when I realize I was wrong, I (underline I) apologize.

And yes, we are all humans and we can unintentionally hurt one another. Very true. However, if you realize your mistake, you should apologize for it. 

But there are so many people walking around with their heads so far stuck up their collective arses, that they think they are gold, God and are above reproach. 

THE LIST OF THE UNFORGIVEN

I will NEVER forgive some of my high school classmates for tormenting me and calling me homophobic names when I was in school with them.

And the day I graduated from low school on June 7, 1985, (coincidentally Prince’s birthday), everyone was in tears, except me. I couldn’t WAIT to leave. Some of these people had tormented me since elementary school. And I’m supposed to cry over leaving them? Hell will freeze over first. Unless we’re talking tears of joy! 🤣😂

So, no. I’m NEVER going to forget or forgive being bullied, all the homophobic slurs that were lobbed my way as a child and even into my teen years and beyond.

I will NEVER forgive a certain job, which shall remain nameless – you know the one, where I “acted like I didn’t want to be there.” Bitch, you didn’t want to be there either! This horrid place made a mockery of my talents – and the talents of others. Why would I want to be someplace where people are miserable, controlling, NOT doing their jobs, and also letting your fellow coworkers get away with bullying you??? 

That is the type of person I absolutely ABHOR, and that’s a bully. And workplace bullies can be just as bad as schoolyard ones. And after having been bullied, I can be a real BITCH when confronted by one. 

I’m NEVER going to forgive being in a certain band that essentially mistreated me and chased me away. And there were soooooo many other problems with this group, way too many to even mention. Can we say overly sensitive millennials, for one?  

I don’t want any of these people near me. And I am very thankful that I don’t have to see or deal with these people any longer. That has certainly been good for my mental health and well being. 

So, you are probably thinking, “then you are angry and bitter.” And I have been told that countless times when speaking of certain past events, sitautions, and people. And I say, okay. And? This is why I DON’T think of them, and I am happy as a result. And if I happen to talk about them, I am not going to sound sweet and ooey and gooey about them. I’m keeping it real!! 

Now, I do hope that perhaps one day I can do an even better job of moving forward and moving past the grudges. But we’ll see. 

I know I’m not alone in the grudge department. There are so many people who don’t want to admit it, because it is so much more in fashion to be “positive” and “forgiving.” LIARS! 😂😂

Feel how you feel. Acknowledge your true feelings. Don’t hide them as others do. You can’t help how you feel about something or someone. And my feelings happen to be stronger than most. And I own that. I’d rather be honest about how I feel than not. 

However, there are ways I deal with my grudges. And surely you’ve seen the list before:

1. Listening to music.

Oh look. Annie sums it up quite well in this song. 😂😂😂

You hurt me, and I HATE you!! 😡🤬🤬🤬

2. Playing my trumpet.

3. WRITING!!

4. As one example of writing, writing this blog.

5. My screenplays!

6. Immersing myself in 80s soaps!

7. Meditation.

And get this: I really believe you can use the fuel behind your grudges and, yes, hatred towards other people to propel you to do good things in your life. Instead of focusing on them, focus on what you wish to accomplish and use that energy for that instead. So, I guess what I’m saying is I do believe in using my “pain” to force me to get off my butt and do something with my life! 😂

Use it! I don’t see a problem with that. I mean, after all I’ve managed to write TWO horror screenplays, a miniseries (I’m on part 5, each consisting of 120 pages!!) and there is Fabulous And Gorgeous entering Season 3! So, yeah. I’ve been busy. 

There is a lesson in these grudges. And that is not to repeat the same mistakes twice. Or to deal with the same grubby people as before. Don’t stay where you are not wanted or appreciated or loved. My fave saying is, “don’t stay where the love isn’t being served.” Run. Not walk away from situations, people, relationships, friendships that cause you harm or diss you. Simply RUN! I honestly wish I had gotten that lesson eons ago. If I had, I wouldn’t have stayed in certain situations as long as I did. 

Well, enough of my rant. This is it for today. But don’t go away just yet, until you’ve gone on over to the Derek Store! 😉🍹

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That’s it for today. Come back next week when I tackle religious guilt. Until then, please be safe, and as always, mentally well! 💖

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Hi there, my dearest friends! Welcome back!

As I stated at the end of my last post, if horoscopes are your bag, then this is the post for you.

If you study the movement of the planets or know anything about planets being in certain signs, then you know that Uranus has been in Taurus since 2018, and will remain there until 2026. 

I won’t give a breakdown of what to expect in each sign. However, I will leave that at the end, along with other sources. 

So. Let’s get this planetary party started! 

In a nutshell, “when Uranus is in Taurus. Taurus is a sign that likes things steady and stable, and isn’t the best at handling big, sudden changes … but big, sudden changes are what Uranus is all about! Taurus would prefer to stick to the status quo and keep doing things the way they’ve always been done.”

In other words, Uranus is known for change and upheaval and even revolution; whereas Taurus, which is ruled by Venus, is more about wealth, money, comfort, and stability. And any Taurus worth their salt will tell you just how much we HATE, LOATHE, and DESPISE change! We LOVE our routines and our creature comforts. ♉

The last time Uranus was in Taurus was well… gulp… from 1935 to 1942. Now, gee. What was going on during this time? I couldn’t imagine. 🤔

And if you really don’t know, then let me help you out.

From 1935 to 1942, we saw the rise of Adolf Hitler in Nazi Germany. We were also witness to the Great Depression and the beginning of World War II, and lots and lots of invasions. Well, I wasn’t, but you catch my drift. 😂🤣

So, needless to say, these were pretty dramatic times. 

Breaking Down the last time Uranus was in Taurus!

In 1935, the United States was essentially still in the middle of the Great Depression.

Around the world, we saw countries invade other countries: 

Italy invaded Ethiopia. 

Britain invaded Ethiopia. 

Germany invaded Poland. 

Germany invaded Czechoslovakia. 

Germany was just downright mean back then.

Sadly, the Jews in Europe were persecuted. Millions of Jews died during the Holocaust, which began in 1941.  

Japan bombed Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941, which brought the United States into World War II, as if we didn’t have enough problems at this point.

So, the last time Uranus was in Taurus was a hot mess, needless to say. 

And it isn’t like it’s a big bowl of vodka-filled cherries now.

Let’s make some comparisons: 

1935 – the rise of Hitler versus now - the rise of a certain lying, cheating, insurrectionist, racist, rapist criminal. 

1935 – Great Depression versus now – well, it would actually appear that the economy overall isn’t doing too badly. And the markets seem to be holding steady, as far as I can tell. By all means, correct me if not. From what I understand, the Fed has cut interest rates, which is a good thing. The only thing of concern would be if certain stocks took a meteoric rise, leaving others behind, that may not be so good.

1941 – the U.S. is literally bombed into World War II versus now – Russia has been at “war” with Ukraine for nearly the past two years. And there are whispers of war between the U.S. and Russia and/or China.

For me, the most chilling part is the Rise of Hitler versus the rise of that “thing” since 2015/16. That to me is the most scary and sinister part of all of this. Not to mention, the horrific rise of the MAGA Republicunt Party. Yeah. I said it. This is MY blog post, and I’ll say what I wish. So, there! 

That orange asshat has already stated that on Day One of his “presidency,” he’s going to be a dictator. The things that he has espoused are disturbing and frightening, just like Hitler. 

The polarization in the U.S. and yes, around the world, too, is indeed alarming. And it has been the highlight since 2016 and it has definitely gathered steam, imo, since 2018 when Uranus went back into Taurus, again for the first time since 1935.

The question is in the coming years, will what happened in Nazi Germany to the Jews happen to those of us who are marginalized ? 

Will there be another Great Depression? 

Are we looking at more wars? And specifically, will there finally be the dreaded World War III?

Should we worry?

I try to not get into the worry territory as much as I used to, so I will say no. HOWEVER, I will say this: Be careful. and watchful and as they say, stay vigilant. 

So, let’s keep our chins up with some potential positives of this astrological transit.

• Major technological expansion in banking, such as cryptocurrency advances, and in online banking.
• The rise of more innovation in food solutions and sources, such as in – wait for it – AI robot packing and even drones shipping food, community gardens, hydroponics, and “instant” foods.
• Creative downsizing in housing, portable housing, and time-shared spaces.
• And the biggie, imo, technological advances! I mean, isn’t that what the future is supposed to be about? There could be increased automation and, again, AI-robot technologies will perhaps be front and center.
• And one we should all hope for – and that’s affordable clean and renewable energy!

So, in summation, is this really a good thing or will it turn out to be somewhat of a disaster like the last time? Time will tell. I think if we keep our collective heads and VOTE, then we will be all right. And also, be prepared for change, but make sure it is a positive one that will help all of us and not something horrific that will hurt us.

And by all means, don’t continue to allow our governments and politicians to lead us down a path we do not want! 

Thank you. That is all.

Before you exit this post, I welcome you to join me over at my Derek Store, by clicking on the banner below. Thanks! 

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That’s it for now. But please join me next week when I tackle GRUDGES!!!! You definitely won’t wanna miss that. So, in the meantime, take care and, as always, please be mentally well!! 

Sources:

Uranus in Taurus

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Hello, all of my dear friends and readers! I hope all of you are doing well in 2024 thus far!

Alonely?? What the hell does that mean? Well, it’s a combo of Alone + Lonely. And I came up with the word to signify that just because one is single and “alone” doesn’t mean that you are lonely.

In other words, to quote one of my dear friends, “You don’t need a man!” Or woman if you’re a hetero male, lesbian or bi. 😁😂🌈🌈🌈

With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, you know all of the attention is going to be on couples. Yawn. 

I made a bold statement in one of my blog posts at the end of 2023:

Society says you’re not complete unless you have someone. After all, people congratulate you for being coupled, yet they do not congratulate you for being single and being able to stand on your own. They think being alone signifies weakness and that NOBODY wants you. However, if you are coupled, married, partnered, etc. you must truly be something special. 

Please click on the banner below to read the full article. And yes, it is about me chasing men throughout my gay career. You can also access Parts 2 and 3 within this post in the dropdowns from Blog Posts from 2023.

The Derek Chase – Part 3

At any rate, as the saying goes, just because I am single and alone, doesn’t mean I am lonely. I first heard that wayyyyyy back in the day during an episode of Good Times, where Florida and Thelma were trying to fix Willona up, because they thought that since she was not married (any longer), that she must be in need of a MAN!! 🤣

That is when Willona uttered the line, “just because I’m alone, doesn’t mean I’m lonely,” which sort of stuck with me all these years. Too bad I didn’t pay much attention to it, as it would have saved me a lot of grief and heartache.

You know that society tells you and pounds into your head that we are sexual creatures and that we were built to be mated and coupled and shacked up and shit. However, if it doesn’t happen or hasn’t happened YET or what have you, people look at you strange. They regard you as not good enough. Or perhaps you regard yourself that way, because you know the couples are having a bloody good time loving each other and being… coupled. I’m being sarcastic. 😉😂

There is NOTHING wrong with being single. And there is NOTHING wrong with you if you are still single. It has taken me all these YEARS to realize that I am still a wonderful being, an OUTSTANDING creation on my own. That the idea of someone “completing me” is sort of ridiculous. I feel complete as Derek!!

And I will not disagree that it would be fun to have a partner. But I am no longer holding my breath. At 56 years young, I am enjoying my life as is. Believe me, I have plenty to do and to accomplish. 

I am really starting to dig being single. Being surrounded by so many couples (and of course having it thrown in your face constantly on social media), I can say I truly appreciate being on my own. I LOVE not having to answer to anyone else. Not having to be responsible for anyone else. Not having to worry about or take care of someone else. It is actually quite freeing.

And nope. I don’t see any downsides of being single. If you are talking about having a companion to accompany you to places, bitch, I have been taking myself to the movies, restaurants, and on vacations, et al since my 20s!!! Heck, I took myself to Europe back in May of 2022 for my birthday!!! 

I am not saying I’m against being coupled. If it happens, it happens. However, I am no longer waiting/pursuing it. 

Ooooooo watch out, Derek! Because they say that is when “it” happens. You find the one when you’re not looking or least expect it. Well, he ain’t showed up yet! 😁😂😂 Not to my knowledge anyway. And I ain’t changing who I am and how I am or my behavior. I am super focused on MY life and MY healing and MY career. 

Going back to the meat of the post, about not being lonely, that’s another thing, I am surrounded by people. I go out and I am ALWAYS going to see people I know. I connect with people on social media. I connect with friends via texting. I constantly speak with my mother and aunt.

But Derek, it’s not the same as, you know, a MAN!!! I know, but I am so used to it that it doesn’t bother me anymore. It is what it is. And again, I am SUPER BUSY with Derek stuff. 

Besides, I get plenty – and I do mean – PLENTY of attention from MEN!!!!!  

And that is it for today. 

Before you check out, please stop by my online store, The Derek Store! 

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Please come back next week when I delve into Uranus being in Taurus, and what that really means. So, if you are into horoscopes, then this is the post for you! Until then, please be safe and mentally well! 

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).