Month: March 2024

Greetings, all! Welcome back to another fun-filled journey into our collective mental health!

So, we have ALL been on Facebook. We have ALL posted our accomplishments on Ye Olde Facebook and social media.

However, what if it turns into validation seeking or need for approval or just bragging?

When Facebook (or rather FB as I shall refer to it hence going forward), started years ago, it was a way to keep up with your friends and family, particularly those at a distance. And I do understand that is what a lot of people use it for. However, it really has gotten out of hand. And it is rather disturbing.

Now that everyone has a platform to be “seen,” they are just running with it, with endless banal selfies! (Ugh! Bitch! We know what you look like!)

It probably all started with one selfie that garnered a lot of likes, and it became like a drug to keep posting more and more to get that adrenaline rush! Truly sad.

And now the videos, particularly TikTok, that display users performing outlandish, silly acts, inserting themselves in other people’s videos, which pulse grotesquely in the background.

Give me a break!

I am going to start off by saying I have a LOT of actor friends on my feed. And yes, they do post their upcoming projects.

But I do have one actor friend who seems to take it to an extreme. She gets a plethora of projects in the film/TV industry. However, the way she posts her successes seem as if she is trying to gain attention and validation rather than a simple ‘hey, guys! I wanted to let you know that I am going to be in this upcoming show/movie, etc.’ It becomes an in-depth explanation of the cast she is working with – i.e. name-dropping, which is also fine, I suppose. Yet the names that are dropped are not A-list actors.

And the whole #actorslife – I’m sorry let me rewrite that: NUMBER SIGN Actors Life, is just plain DUMB. Yes. And I said that, too.

I am on the page of SEVERAL A-list actors, and they don’t do this. So, it sounds to me that SOME actors are not used to anything. The saying I grew up with is that if someone has to be outlandish and flaunt their money or success, then they are not used to having it.

But I digress. And moving on.

Then there are the anniversary people. You know, ‘me and so-and-so have been together for EON years.’ Yet, they don’t mention the part that their partner/husband/wife is an atrocious, loathsome piece of dried dog doo, who is a dipsomaniac, who beats and cheats on them. Oh. Yeah. Let’s celebrate that. RME – Rolling My Eyes. 🙄

Speaking of our lovely, loving couples, how about the ones who must post where they are dining with the tag “Having lunch/dinner with my love?” As if we don’t know that you are already partnered/married and that this person is supposed to be your love. Sounds to me as if someone is trying to convince somebody of something.

I actually know several couples who do not do this, who have been together for years, and yet they are still in love with each other. However, they don’t feel the need to remind everyone, especially when it is mealtime. Just sayin’.

The constantly going on a trip people. Well, damn I wish I had it like that.

Oh and don’t ask them where they get their money to do it. Retired people I can understand. They have worked hard all their lives to enjoy their travels. And I say, hey – ENJOY! Now, I AM jealous over that! Wish I was retired and able to travel the world.

But the ordinary people like you and me. Ha! Again, don’t ask them how they can afford all those trips. Might get your feelings hurt. Well, a thought just occurred to me. Since you’re sharing your 80 Days Around the World, then why don’t you share your bank account, too? Just a thought.

I guess what I am saying is I have grown sick and tired of seeing all of this. And no, I have given up on comparing my life to these people and feeling that my life is inadequate. I do enjoy my simple little life of writing, reading, blogging, etc. And me posting a weekly blog, I think, is a HUGE accomplishment.

What I have learned from social media and keeping up with all of my “friends” is that in the end I just don’t care anymore. I told my roommate/friend/coworker just the other night that I no longer care what goes on in someone else’s life. I don’t wish any harm to come to anyone. I hope everyone in my feed is safe and okay. But must I know about EVERY single little detail of their lives? No sour grapes here, but do I need to know where you are jetting off to today?

Or what year you are on in your married/partnered life?

Or which vacation you are on today? That I didn’t get invited on?

Do I really need to know what TV show or movie you’re going to be in? Wasting my damn time on a show or movie that I wouldn’t even normally watch just because you’re in it for TWO WHOLE MINUTES????

DO YOU REALLY NEED TO SEE AND READ EVERY ONE OF MY BLOG POSTS??

The answer to all of the above is NO!!

There are friends who are in bands. For some reason, I don’t count those, even though I really desire to be in another band. But when they post, they are simply posting about their upcoming shows, which I have promised to go see at some point in time. However, they are not bragging, in my opinion. They are just letting us know they are doing a show. Simple. Easy. Done. They are not going down a rabbit hole of how fabulous they are.

So, I am taking a little break from FB, something that a lot of people feel the need to do from time to time, because of the above.

It is not that we are comparing ourselves. Or even jealous. It is just for the sake of our mental health.

This ain’t 6th grade any longer, and I do not feel the need to participate in this foolishness as much as I used to. Neither do I feel the need to keep up with the Joneses or feel inadequate about myself or what I am doing.

This is a bit off topic, but even the consistent birthday wishing is getting on my nerves! I have finally realized I am fine if a gazillion people don’t wish me a Happy Birthday on social media. The most important thing is as long as I’m alive on my birthday!

But why do people feel a need to do it? Brag. Why?

It has taken me a long time to realize that it has to do with low self-esteem. Let’s face it. The only true recognition some people find is on social media, where everyone can be a STAR. It’s sort of sad really.

There is no reason at all to be jealous of the attention they get. Or to even feel inadequate about yourself or what is going on in your own life. Or not going on. It may sound silly, cliched or obvious, but as long as you are happy within yourself!

And I know PLENTY of people who are not even on FB and don’t ever intend to get on it. And believe me, they seem to be doing just fine.

I don’t need all of the attention or the likes and the hugs and tugs. I am an adult. My life does NOT revolve around a bunch of fake likes from people who are not really my friends. I sleep just fine without the adoration. And nope. Once again not bitter about it. Just sick of seeing the same tired faces posting the same tired crap. Yawn.

In the end, it is all better for my overall mental health anyway.

Now, don’t y’all go away without checking out the Derek Store, by clicking on the banner below! 😉😂

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That is it for today. Please return next week when the topic will be dreams, a topic I haven’t delved into a long, long time. So, please stay tuned and, until then, be safe and mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Hi there! Welcome back! The title mentions “weaponized incompetence,” and I know a lot of you are asking what the heck is that. Well…

Weaponized incompetence was first phrased by Jared Sandberg in a 2007 Wall Street Journal article in which he discussed how employees will feign ineptitude in order to appear helpless and, therefore, needing help from other coworkers to, in essence, do their work or perform their tasks for them.

However, it isn’t just in the workplace, but it can appear in social and even romantic relationships, as well.

And between husbands and wives, where one partner refuses to take responsibility for household duties and will either appear to be unable to carry out those duties or may simply refuse to do them for whatever reason.

So, basically, weaponized incompetence can also be seen as a form of manipulation and that it can indeed be done on purpose, for whatever reason.

NOTE: I THINK WE’VE ALL DONE IT AT SOME POINT IN TIME IN OUR LIVES!

I know I’ve done it in the workplace when there was something I didn’t really want to do. Not gonna lie. And I’m pretty sure I’ve done it in my personal life. However, I am really glad that this type of behaviour has been brought to my attention.

Anyway, a friend and coworker turned me onto the phrase last year when describing how my father will not lift a finger to help my mother around the house. He relies on her to do all of the cooking AND the cleaning.

This coworker elaborated that perhaps my father was intentionally getting out of helping around the house, therefore, using weaponized incompetence or WI, as I shall call it going forward.

Here is where I believe my father’s WI originated. The following is the story as told by my mother:

Many years ago, and I think I was in college when this happened, my grandfather Frank told my father to not ever help my mother with household duties. Why he said that I don’t know. But my father, to this day, does NOT help my mother with any domestic chores. Oh sure, he will drive her to work and to the grocery store, etc.

But he will not help cook (she says she doesn’t want him to do that anyway, because she says he’s nasty 😂).

He will not help clean.

He will not help pay for groceries.

He will pay half on their bills, but he will not pay for new appliances or furniture or anything like that. As I have stated before, he is such a reprehensible person.

Now, he has to use a cane. And so it is almost as if he is using WI to feign being incapable of doing anything, especially now that he has that cane.

So, husbands using WI to get out of performing household duties really isn’t a new thing. I mean, it sounds familiar where the man doesn’t lift a finger around the house, and all of those menial tasks are, therefore, delegated to the woman.

I can only imagine the hostility that can emerge as a result of this.

I realize there are people who are the “you’re not doing it right. Then I may as well do it” type. We all know those types. They feel that they can perform the job better or if it’s not done THEIR way, then they will just do it themselves. And the WI offender may certainly use this to their advantage.

However, does this sort of behaviour do anyone any good?

And again, the offender may just be doing the task poorly on purpose!

Honestly, this sounds like the work of children. Wouldn’t a child pretend to not be able to do something simply to get out of doing it? Just a thought.

Now my two cents on the matter. For the sake of everyone’s mental health who have fallen prey to this, kick that lazy-ass husband out!!

Fire that “incompetent” coworker, because if you are not pulling your weight, then what good are you to the company?

This all may sound extreme. So, try a different approach: The next time that coworker pulls this bullshit, then take the time to show them how to do said task. And then from that point on, they are on their own.

As far as the lazy husband (or wife) – fine. Clean YOUR space and cook YOUR OWN meals, and allow that lazy SOB to fend for themselves!

Going back to my mother, she does REFUSE to do my father’s laundry! 😂😂😂

Mentally, WI helps no one. I think in the end that WI can cause bitterness, resentment, guilt, and lots and lots of conflict, whether the WI is done on purpose or not. And perhaps there could be self-esteem issues if the WI is not done on purpose and the offender feels that someone is constantly doing something for them because they are unable to do it themselves.

Before you go, please visit my Derek Store. You never know what you might find. 😉

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Please return next week when the discussion will be on bragging, especially with regard to social media. You will not want to miss.

So, until then please be safe and, as always, mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Sources:

Hello, all. I am back with another potentially controversial and hot topic.

Religious Guilt. And leaving it behind. 

Other keywords: Religious trauma. Religious abuse.

For starters, please click on the banner below to witness my religious indoctrination in a cult.  

Religion: Helpful? Or Harmful and Toxic? Part 2

It has been my personal experience with religion, that EVERYTHING is a sin. We are ALL sinners, according to the Christian Bible, and “we have come short of the glory of God,” apparently by merely existing. 

In other words, MY interpretation (and probably the interpretation of others) is that we are all horrible, bad people who do not deserve anything but the back of God’s hand. There. Did I describe it correctly? 

As religious people, we (may) feel that we are worthless in the eyes of God, and that HE is the only way to redeem us. Well, this is what the Bible and other religions teach us. However, for some people it turns into this ingrained belief that we are nothing, and as stated above despicable, guilty, and worthless human beings. People do not understand that this really can negatively affect your self-esteem, self worth and psyche.  

Let’s talk about those religious individuals and their view of the world. Nine times out of 10, their purview of the world through their religious lens is that the world is sinful, bad and that as a religious person you are not to partake of ANYTHING of this world, else you will be damned for eternity. Oh so there’s the fear element, as well. 

The shame, the guilt, and the condemnation. 

My experience has been that there are many “religious” people who are just downright mean and nasty. They weaponize religion and think that’s their golden ticket to heaven. And truthfully, nobody’s got time for all that anymore. 

And then you leave said religion, and the GUILT follows you. Let me tell you it has taken me DECADES to free myself of the voices of guilt ingrained in me, not only from my experiences in that nasty church I attended in college, but also of my own grandmother’s voice echoing in my brain.

“If you are disobedient, God’ll shorten your days.”

“Give the Lord some of your time.”

She wanted me to (continue to) go to church once I hit Carolina’s campus. And that is what led me into the cult. Again, please see above. 

Now. What do I actually mean by religious guilt?

I define it as being a part of a particular religion in which you experience feelings of guilt towards everything from sexuality to money to just simply being a human being. However, your particular religion speaks against whatever you may just be feeling guilty over.

The best example, I think, is being gay. Homosexuality. There are numerous people who are religious AND gay, and they experience such feelings of guilt over their NORMAL sexual orientation. After all, the Bible (and other religious books) have horrendous things to say about homosexuality, none of them good or positive. 

This religious guilt is definitely spread across most religions. When I think of those religions where people experience the highest feelings of religious guilt (or from now on I will refer to it as RG) are Catholics and Christians. Oh, and those individuals who have kicked their religions to the curb. I must include them, as I will be speaking about those people in a minute. I’m one of them by the way.

As I said earlier, I really do believe that the highest feelings of RG center around sexuality and/or sexual orientation. 

After all, basically all religions say that in order to engage in sexual intercourse or any form of sexual activity at all, you must be MARRIED. And that sex must be between a MAN and a WOMAN. Whatever.

So, even the str8s don’t get a break where sexuality is concerned, that is if they are religious. They must wait until marriage, and certainly a lot of religious females hold onto their virginity until then.

Whatever you choose to do with your body is most certainly your business. And I would never tell anyone to ‘screw your religion and go out and be a whore.’ No. How you feel is how you feel. That’s your personal right and your personal choice. 

And perhaps if certain religions loosened up on sexual activity, perhaps there wouldn’t be such high incidences of pastors and preachers and PRIESTS engaging in sexual activity with CHILDREN!!!

But I will say this. Regardless of what religious book is out there (because keep in mind, at the end of the day it was really written by a man, though the idea is it is by the inspiration of God) – anyway, regardless of what the books say and the scriptures and the religion, sexuality is actually a very basic and NORMAL thing. And my little secular pea brain always thought, what is the big deal to engage in sexual activity? As long as it is between two consenting adults (or more), no one is being hurt or forced, then it is all right. These bodies were built for pleasure.

And then there’s abortion. Uh. Oh. Here. We. Go.

My opinion on abortion, for what it’s worth is IT’S NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS AND THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD STAY OUT IT!

I also wrote a rather lengthy post on the striking down of Roe v. Wade. No doubt the religious fanatics were happy over that one. However, I really don’t think they understand what they have done. They have placed a great number of women’s health in jeopardy.

GO TO HELL, SCOTUS!

I would venture a guess that all religions feel the same about abortion: That it is a no no and a sin. Murder is one of the keywords surrounding the issue of abortion. Many people think it is murder. I do not because the embryo cannot be viable outside of the woman’s body.

Also, you don’t know the reason why a woman makes the decision to terminate her pregnancy. If I were a bio female, and I was pregnant, I don’t know if I could make that decision. But that is how I THINK I would feel about it. And there are the circumstances surrounding the reason why a woman makes that choice. What may be right for me, may not be right for someone else, and vice versa. 

However, religion could play a huge factor in a woman’s decision as to whether or not she is going to end her pregnancy.

More of that guilt.

Moolah. MONEY!!

Because of my financial situation, I sometimes revert to the old mindset of tithing, or NOT tithing, as the reason why I’m money challenged all the time. 

I do not tithe to any church. However, it occurred to me, that instead of sending my money to a church, why don’t I start giving to charities? Give to people who REALLY need it. And I have started that, and I have seen some little miracles surrounding my money!

The tithing thing stuck with me for a long time. I have heard from MANY preachers “if you don’t tithe your money and give your 10%, you will be broke!”

That isn’t true. I believe that when “you give, you receive.” The concept that a lot of churches use is WRONG, in my opinion. Money is energy and on an endless loop. It is the cycle of giving. However, I do believe man tainted it with HIS interpretation with regard to religion.

Again, I don’t wish to tell anyone what to believe or what to do with their money.

I QUIT!!

The RG, around those of us who quit that mess, can be overwhelming. And I say it, because imo religion is a MESS!!

Being involved with United Christian Fellowship, when I was in college, nearly drove me insane. The constant having to watch what I say and do, and to attend church all the time and the praying in church early in the morning, which was a requirement if you were going to join the praise band, which I did on both trumpet AND clarinet. 

But it was the not being able to watch secular TV and yes, particularly my soaps between 1985 and 1987, or listen to secular music, that truly caused me to go off the deep end. I literally started hearing voices, (well, more like intrusive thoughts, which is the reason why I started this blog). 

I do not believe I am schizophrenic, neither do I suffer from hallucinations, and I do believe this cult experience set my OCD, which I still struggle with today, into HIGH gear!!

I felt TREMENDOUS guilt during my time in the cult when I would purchase secular music, listen to it in secret, and then throw it away! That is how messed up I was! I was roommates then with my former bestie Charles, who was also in the cult. So, I couldn’t let him know what I was up to. Ugh! I shudder when I think back to all of that.

I felt horrible about myself. I couldn’t do ANYTHING that came natural to me, and yes, that would include masturbation. There. I said it. 

And to have a gay thought, oh forget that! 

Fast forward to much later in my life many years after the cult, some of my thoughts included:

‘God doesn’t like me.’

‘He wants me to suffer.’

‘Things will never change for me for the better because I left the church.’

And hearing from certain preachers, things like:

‘All dreams are not of God.’ Well, I felt that was speaking about my acting and writing.

‘God is here to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.’

And there was the tithing, money thing. I believed that because I wasn’t tithing to a particular church was the reason why I was poor all the time.

And let me not forget when I returned to school for medical transcription and medical billing and coding. In my medical billing and coding class, I UNFORTUNATELY ended up in a class with all BLACK WOMEN. It was a small class, but the thing is that all of them were CHRISTIANS. And they claimed that they were having church rather than having class, which was highly inappropriate. And I should have said something. I should have left.

And my little friend Katrina who would say “I’m only the messenger” whenever she would basically speak against something we should not be doing. For example, when I told her I was a playwright, she told me one time that I should be writing only “Christian plays!” And once again, I felt guilty because I wasn’t!!

But the bitch was actually fucking her boyfriend, and they WERE NOT married! Bitch, bye!

All of the above was just MESSED UP!!!

So, in essence, I have NOTHING good to say about religion!

I am not knocking religion (okay, maybe just a little). Hahaha! All I will say is that as far as I’m concerned, religion should make you a BETTER person. You should not be judgmental. You should not be in the habit of condemning people, but accepting people for who they are. And above and beyond all else, you should display kindness ALWAYS and be helpful to others. 

And your religion should NOT be used as a weapon against others. What do I mean by that? Using YOUR religion to make others feel guilty or to condemn them or make them feel bad. 

If God is THAT concerned with me masturbating, listening to secular music, and watching secular television programs – and considering the truly evil things that go on across the globe, such as child abuse, politicians stealing from us, deranged presidential candidates, rape, murder, wars – yet He is more concerned over what little Derek is doing, that’s a problem. I am NOT the big bad wolf, regardless of what religion I may profess!

Besides, if you need a religion to be a good person, then maybe your religion isn’t as rock solid as you may think. I take that back. Maybe YOU are not as rock solid as you think. You don’t need a particular religion to know right from wrong. But I suppose you think you need one to get into heaven. Chirp. Chirp. Cricket. Cricket.

I think one of the ways to escape RG is through therapy. I know. I know. The answer to EVERYTHING. But you need an outside ear to help you navigate the choppy waters of either feeling that guilt within your said religion or from leaving that religion altogether. 

First of all, you are not a bad person. You are a HUMAN. However, a great number of religions ask you to act as if you are superhuman. We are all fallible. We all make mistakes. But you learn from them and move on. Again, doesn’t make you a bad human.

Someone once told me “humans are messy.” Yes. We are. Regardless of who are you, who you think you are, and who you proclaim to be. And most certainly what religion you may profess.

Before you exit, please stop by my Derek Store!!

Home

That’s it for today. Please return next time when I discuss weaponized incompetence. You’re probably asking WTH is that? Well, you’ll have to stay tuned to find out. Until then, please be safe and mentally well!   

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Sources:

Escaping Religious Trauma: How to Begin Healing from This Harmful Experience