Hello, everyone! I do hope you are all well.
Boy! What a year so far, huh?
I’m changing things up a bit today, because the topic of food and my relationship to it (and perhaps yours, too) FINALLY needs to be addressed.
I have a confession to make: I’m a foodaholic. I abuse food. That’s right. I am absolutely ADDICTED to food!
I absolutely LOVE it!! The greasier, the meatier, the junkier – the better. I have loved food since I was a child. I dare say that one of my favorite times was mealtime.
I have had my fair share of all KINDS of potato chips and doughnuts and pastries and hamburgers and hot dogs and cheeseburgers and French Fries and pizzas and cakes and pies and cookies and — DAMN I’M GETTING HUNGRY!! You get the picture.
And before some of y’all (vegetarians and vegans, no less) start going off on “your parents didn’t make you eat your vegetables?”
Yes, I had to eat vegetables, too. But they knew what vegetables I liked, such as corn and salads and string beans and all kinds of fruits, like bananas and GREEN apples (I loathe and despise red apples) and grapes and peaches and plums in the summertime. NO WATERMELON! UGH!! HATED IT!!
But let’s face it, I enjoyed the meat and the chips and desserts more.
Over the years, I developed a better taste for vegetables, but I certainly always had more of a fondness for the things we are not supposed to eat too much of.
I am just going to cut to the chase and say that at a certain age, I began to use food as a crutch and a coping mechanism. I realized over time, that I was an emotional eater, eating whether happy or sad or angry or glad. It didn’t matter. I used food to celebrate any personal victories and to cope with stressful situations. I was also eating in celebration of something. Or to just simply snack.
Speaking of, I am a BIG snacker, ESPECIALLY when I am watching television. There are certain shows that just bring it out of me, such as watching old soap operas or old movies. I feel like I MUST have something to crunch on while I am watching. Notice I said “crunch.” Hint hint – POTATO CHIPS!!! 😊😂🤣
In my teens, 20s, 30s and also mostly my 40s, I was very active.
In college I biked a great deal, because that was the main form of transportation at Carolina to get around campus. And I did a LOT of walking later in life, because I really enjoyed doing it.
The weather, however, in my 50s – okay and my laziness, too – sort of put a damper on that. I normally walk in the spring and summer on the weekends, but sometimes it would rain. And I do not do anything in the rain, as some of you by now know.
And I absolutely, positively love to DANCE!!! 🕺🕺🕺
Starting in 2008, when I did the fabulous show The Boys in The Band at Whole World Theatre in Atlanta, I really started gorging. I weighed around 170 pounds at the time. I was on such a high during the run of the show. All of the laughs and accolades and compliments I received while doing that show, made me want to go grab Wendy’s or McDonald’s in celebration afterwards.
And then of course, sometimes I went out to a restaurant with the rest of the cast and crew after the show.
So, I realized at some point down the road that I wasn’t weighing 170 pounds anymore. I was approaching my 180s. And then I hit the 180s and the 190s – and you see where this is going. And I remember thinking when I was in the 190s, I wasn’t going to approach the 200s. Come on! That mustn’t happen. That will NOT happen.
Then years later, it happened. 😒
I couldn’t believe that I allowed my 170-pound self to gain over 30 freakin’ pounds!!!
And I had no one to blame but myself.
It is not the food’s fault. It is mine. It is my gluttony, my emotional and stress eating. It is my absolute LOVE OF FOOD!!!! My abusive nature towards it. I jokingly say that food is my friend. Food doesn’t lie. Food and eating is something I CAN control, since I feel that there are MANY things in my life that I cannot control.
But deep down inside, I knew something had to be done.
So, like everyone else, I discovered the Keto diet. I figured, why not? I read about and studied it, and decided to give it a try. This was in 2019.
To cut to the chase, by the time 2020 (and the pandemic) hit, I was weighing 183!!!! I was soooooo happy! Certain clothes that I either couldn’t wear any longer or dare not wear any longer, I COULD wear!!
I remember that throughout most of 2020 and maybe even into 2021, I basically maintained that weight.
But then something happened. I fell off the wagon for some reason, and I don’t remember why.
I think it had to do with the fact that, for some reason, I couldn’t seem to get under 183. I wanted to be 170 again. But no matter how hard I tried, I hovered around that weight.
And I think that is when I derailed. Plus, there were certain events that happened around that time, such as funerals and holidays and such, and the food that I REALLY craved was right there for the eating. And so, I ate it. But I promised myself I would get back on the wagon and start over. And I did. But I would fall off again. And then I played a back and forth game of “Oh I’ll start THIS month or that month,” or “I’ll start at the New Year,” or “BEFORE my birthday,” etc., etc.
Promises, promises.
And last year in 2022 when I knew I was going to Europe for my birthday, I told myself that I would lose SOME weight before the trip. And of course, that didn’t happen. I took my over 200-pound fat ass across the pond. And I ate WHATEVER THE BLEEP I wanted, because at this point it was too late.
However, I realized upon my return, that I actually lost some weight because of all the walking I had done. I was at 210, and I was actually proud of that. 😂😂😂
But then I played the same back-and-forth game I played before the trip: I’ll start NEXT month. And again, I lost that game.
So, one day in the fall of 2022, completely exasperated and frustrated, I sat down and had a LONGGGGGGGGGGG talk with myself as to what the heck was my problem? Why couldn’t I commit like I did in 2019?
Why and how did I let this happen all these years?
I asked myself some hard questions: Why do you eat so dang much? What’s up, bitch? And I began to call myself out on my emotional-eating rollercoaster ride and my “what the heck” and “back and forth” attitude. I realized that I liked to eat in front of the TV and snack, etc.
And in January 2023, I got on the scale and saw that I was 221 pounds!!!!!!!!!
Oh HELL NAW!!!!!!
Something had to be done.
So, I continued those honest conversations with myself and realized that it was now or never. And that if Keto wasn’t working for me, to try either another diet or something else all together.
(And by the way, I don’t want to advocate for the Keto diet one way or the other and say, as some have said, that it isn’t sustainable. I couldn’t sustain it, but that doesn’t mean you cannot.)
So, I decided, first and foremost, that I was going to make eating better/healthier a habit. I have read a ton about how if you do something for 30 days, it becomes a habit.
I know this works, because I have been keeping a journal consistently since the end of 2001.
I also have been doing affirmations for several years now.
Both are now habits.
So, I approached my eating that way, too, starting with eating less in a day, with smaller portions. And I gave myself 30 days.
And it has been working so far.
After a couple of rough starts this year, and a major setback recently, I am proud to say that I now weigh 210!!! So, I have lost 11 pounds since January!
And no pictures, please. LOL Not yet.
My personal journey takeaways from all of this is a combination of willpower, telling myself I’m not hungry, trying to eat only when hungry, knowing my triggers, realizing that I am an emotional eater, and that I am a snacker especially when watching TV.
Please share with me your “battle” with food. And maybe battle is the incorrect word choice. But mine certainly has been a battle.
If you have tried to eat healthy or “diet,” which I am starting to dislike that word – I prefer “new way of eating” – and nothing has been working, then perhaps you should speak to someone. If you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
Thank you, once again, for continuing on this journey with me. Please feel free to leave comments below. And I will be back soon. In the meantime, please be safe and, as always, be mentally well.
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
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AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
