Month: September 2021

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Hi there, my fellow ment binders – er I mean bent minders LOL I am hoping you are all well and happy today!

Today, we are revisiting everyone’s favorite topic: SOCIAL MEDIA!

If you didn’t see my previous blog post on this hot topic, check it out:

Toxicity in Social Media Validation

Gosh, social media has completely taken over our lives, hasn’t it? I remember a time PRE social media when we met up with each other and talked, had conversations without documenting it for the world to see. Not documenting where we were or with whom and most certainly not documenting and taking pictures of what we ate or drank! The only time people saw pictures of our weddings or anniversaries or birthdays or vacations is when they were in an album, and you had to see the person – in person – to see said pics. But now all of this is at our fingertips, easily accessible at any time. On one hand that’s good. But on the other hand, it kinda sucks.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I am beginning to feel bombarded wishing EVERYONE a happy birthday or happy anniversary or congratulations on this or that or liking this or that. Liking where someone ate, WHAT they ate, where they’ve been locally or travel/vacation wise. It. Is. OVERWHELMING!

Don’t get me wrong I am happy for all of my friends’ happy occasions, but when you see an endless stream of the same. Tired. Thing. Over. And over. And OVER again – it gets to be a bit much. I have even questioned didn’t so and so JUST celebrate an anniversary or birthday????

It’s in your face DAILY (if you choose to go on there daily, that is). Actually, even if you take a break and come back it is still there.

Oh and yes, it can make you feel inadequate if you are not getting a lot of likes or views on your own pictures/posts. You may even feel like your life isn’t measuring up to friends and family. God knows I’ve been there. But then again, God knows I also remember who I am and my own accomplishments, and that I don’t compare myself to ANYBODY!

But my question is this? Are we all still acting like we are back in high school or heaven forbid, junior high?? Where we strived to be liked and popular and seen, etc. I don’t know about anybody else, but I am happy that I finally left high school (or as I jokingly refer to it as – “low” school) behind. The year I left was 1985, to be exact!

Getting through junior high and high school was tough enough. But now that we are out of it, it seems that it still wishes to return. After all, if you’re like me, on your social media feed, particularly Facebook, you are “friends” with people you grew up with, went to school with, including college, etc. And they’re back!! Now with kids and even grandkids of THEIR own. And I think it is a good thing to keep up with them. It is actually kinda cool to see the next generation. And yes, the babies are soooooooo cute!

But the rest of the sharing sometimes feels like a popularity contest. Someone’s new house. New car. Latest vacation. Big promotion. With 1,000 likes. And you look at your own feed and go – oy! They DON’T like ME. I am not as popular as so and so. I only got FIVE likes or none at all. Perhaps you go into junior high or high school mode. And who needs that? That is why I remember to be grateful whether I get just one like or hundreds of them.

It’s like a drug. I think when you post something even though on the surface you tell yourself you just want to “share,” and so whatever happens happens in terms of “likes.” But I also think deep down we want to be liked and validated, just like Oprah said before:

1. Did you hear me?
2. Did you see me?
3. Did what I say mean anything to you?

We all want to be validated and celebrated by others. However, sometimes I think it gets out of hand on Facebook, et al from time to time. Again, it is easy to compare yourself to others and their accomplishments. But you cannot do that or you will be sad and upset and bitter. Like me LOLOLOL

But seriously, before I compare myself to anyone else on social media or otherwise, I remember to march to my own drum. Or in my case TRUMPET!

But seriously, step away from social media. It will be there. Trust me. I really don’t think it’s necessary to keep up with EVERYBODY ALL THE TIME. I really don’t. Especially if it starts to mess with your mind and with you.

This is why I have to take a break from social media from time to time. And I am not the only one. Other people have told me that taking a Facebook/social media break does wonders for them and their mental health. And I refuse to return to a place in my life where I was constantly seeking others’ approval and validation. I just take Facebook, et al with a grain of salt. And I actually like when I step away, because I no longer feel the need to be caught up into whatever everyone else is doing or going through. Your mind needs a break every once in a while. So, take it if you feel overwhelmed, because social media is not high school!

In summation, I think it is not only mentally healthy to break away from social media and the screens and the phone, it is almost necessary. Give your eyes a rest. For gosh sakes, give your MIND a rest. Go back to having real conversations with people and in person if possible. (I know COVID still makes it a little tough.) Reconnect. Try sharing the vacations, someone’s big promotion or anniversary or birthday – THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY for a change. In person.

Oh and do not compare yourself to anyone else. Ever.

Okay, my friends, this is it for now. By all means, stay mentally well and safe!

By the way, I am now an Amazon affiliate. Please check out the Amazon link above and below. I don’t know about you, but I am constantly needing audio jacks to play my music from my phone on my car. I swear by Amazon products. So, check them out!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Hello, my fellow friends battling mental imbalance (and those who aren’t)!

Boundaries. We all have them. However, there are many times when people try and push past them. So, how do you handle it when they do?

Some examples of boundary pushing are:

• People not being mindful of your time.
• When friends or family won’t get off the phone when talking to you for hours, and you’ve given EVERY indication you are ready to hang up!
• Taking or borrowing your things without asking.
• Saying things to you that you find inappropriate.
• Touching you or even hugging you without your permission.
• Not asking permission. Period.
• Making assumptions that you will or will not do something.
• Borrowing money – oh boy what a sticky one, expecially between friends! And if you are always loaning money to someone!!

You get my drift.

I am a person who has spent MOST of my life with people pushing past my boundaries, and I am still learning how to set my own personal boundaries, even at age 54. There are times when I do keep my mouth shut over some things and others not so much. Some boundaries are easy to set, while some boundaries, especially between close friends and even family and people you like, may not be so easy.

The Phone

Well, one boundary I have begun to set for myself is in regards to the phone. We live in a society where we ALWAYS have our phones with us now due to the invention of the smartphone. But I have realized that I would rather have someone text me than call me. Yes. I have become THAT person. I will only accept phone calls from close family and close friends. Everyone else can just text me unless it is an emergency. And if it is, then may I suggest 911? My little joke.

I am no longer into idle chitchat, and I think some of my friends and associates are starting to get the message, so to speak. I let the phone always go to voicemail, and I always have it set on silent. I will call back when I have the time, which could be the following week. Or two!! LOL

Your Job/Work/Coworkers

I have recently been reminded of boundary setting by two friends/coworkers who have no problem speaking up for themselves. And this made me question am I doing the same? I feel like I do, and that I have. But am I really?

I recently had to explain to one of the coworkers I mentioned above that she stepped over my boundaries by speaking for me in regards to something as simple as going to the movies. She told the other boundary-setting coworker that I would be happy to go with her to see the movie “Aretha.” In other words, she spoke FOR me. And I was not happy with that, and I told her so. She was completely understanding. So, I guess I do speak up for myself. LOL

I think one of the ways to know your boundaries is to know yourself and what you will and will not tolerate or put up with. As I’ve heard many times before, know your worth! What may be okay with one may not be okay with another. Back to my coworker who crossed a boundary with me, well previously, she did not like it when me and another coworker were whispering to each other. That doesn’t bother me unless we are at dinner or something. But at work or anywhere else, I wouldn’t care. But it obviously bothered her, and she let us know. And whispering in front of others is considered rude by many people.

The Boss

And yes, I think it is important to set boundaries with your bosses, too. Just because they are your boss or director, doesn’t mean they have a right to overstep. Yelling at coworkers or speaking inappropriately to them is crossing a boundary. In the past, I had someone who actually was not a boss, but a music director who said that the music he was directing SUCKED! Mind you, I had written the play for this music and the lyrics, and had gotten an outside composer to compose the music. In other words, I did not go with the normal composer he always used, and he was mad at that. But what he said in music rehearsal was offensive, childish and totally crossed several boundaries.

Your Body is YOUR Body!!

Your personal space and your body. Okay here we go. I just had a friend reveal to me that he feels that a friend did not respect his boundaries by trying to have sex with him. Now, this is territory that should not have to be explained, but still people will try and cross that boundary. And no, I am not talking about rape, but your body and personal space and its boundaries still need to be respected.

For example, I do not allow women to touch my body in places that I consider to be personal. That is a HUGE no no. And they do it because they think they can, because I am gay. And that as a gay man, that will not have an effect on me, so to speak. That still does not give them or anyone else the right to touch me inappropriately. As a matter of fact, there are men that I do not wish to touch me inappropriately!

ASK me, don’t TELL me!

Seriously, one of the things that has always bugged me about some friends is when they make assumptions that I will do something for them. Rather than asking my permission, they just assume. And you know what they say about assuming things: You make an ASS – out of U – and ME! But it’s true. That is a definite huge boundary push for me. One should always ask someone’s permission rather than telling them what they are going to do!!

How do you communicate your boundaries?

Now. How to communicate said boundaries discussed above. This part is truly difficult. Just how do you let someone know that they have crossed a line? Especially if it is a family member or close friends or even your significant other.

I am curious to hear your responses in the comment section below.

But I have found the best way to handle it is to pull that person to the side and gently explain to them how you feel. Arguing about it (which is what I’ve done in the past) is definitely not the best way to handle things. And if you feel you can’t directly tell that person, try a mediator – someone who can act as a go between, particulary if it is a work situation.

In summation, I wish to add that I, too, have to be mindful of respecting others’ boundaries. I have to remember to not ask nosy questions. I am and have always butted into other people’s business by asking said nosy questions. But I have since realized that perhaps I am being intrusive and annoying. If someone wants to confide in me or tell me something, they will. I don’t even ask friends personal questions anymore unless I feel it is okay to do so.

So, set your personal boundaries with regard to your time. Your body. Your money, etc.

And if people won’t respect your boundaries, tell them to STAND BACK!!!

That’s it for now, my friends. Hang in there! Keep your chin up, and hold your heads high! You’ve got this!!!!

FYI I am now an Amazon affiliate! Please click on the link below for some cool products. Thanking you in advance!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back for more fun in Bent Mindland!!! I am hoping you are all well!

So, when I say the word “gaslight” or “gaslighting,” what do you think of? Do you think of someone trying to drive you crazy? Do you think of the movie of the same name?

Or do you think of someone lighting someone or something on fire?? Well, if you guessed any of the above answers, you would be correct.

However, I am speaking of the type of gaslighting where someone makes you doubt your sanity. According to Webster’s Dictionary, gaslighting is “to attempt to make someone believe that he or she is going insane (as by subjecting that person to a series of experiences that have no rational explanation) or a term often used by mental health professionals, to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy.”

And yes, the term gaslighting comes from the above 1940 movie of the same name, which is quite brilliant. In the movie, the husband (Anton Walbrook) is slowly but surely driving his wife (Diana Wynyard) insane. (And there is the 1944 remake starring Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman!) More trivia: Before either of the movies, it was a 1938 play written by British playwright Patrick Hamilton, entitled “Gas Light.”

Gaslighting, though, may not in all cases be intentional or as insidious as outlined in the movies or the play. However, it is still manipulative!!!! In my opinion, it is designed to make you believe you are less than or it is YOUR fault in certain situations and that the gaslighter takes NO RESPONSIBILITIES whatsoever for THEIR actions. I like to think of it as they think they are right and you are WRONG!

I also say that gaslighting will make you doubt more than just your sanity, but who you are.

Again, there are numerous ways to gaslight someone without intentionally trying to bring them to the brink of insanity. However, gaslighting is still a form of abuse. I should know. Examples:

1. Making someone doubt they said something when they actually did.
2. Discounting someone’s feelings.
3. Accusing someone of being too dramatic or too sensitive.
4. Trivializing how someone feels.

Just take a look at the chart below:

How many of you have been there? God knows I have. And as Blanche Devereaux would say, many, MANY times!!! Too many to count.

It started with my family. Yes, I have described them in previous posts. See below:

Am I Actually Suffering from Complex PTSD? – PART 1

But it was also done to me by so-called friends and yes, even boyfriends.

Oh and DEFINITELY bosses and coworkers.

Here are some of the labels directed towards me. See the chart above AND below!!!

1. Derek, you are SO dramatic.
2. Derek, you are defensive.
3. Derek, you are making things up.
4. Derek, you’re a liar.
5. Derek, I was only kidding.
6. Derek, you imagined things differently than I did (said my abusers). It did not happen that way or it didn’t happen at all. You imagined it.
7. Derek, you’re LOUD!

I am not a saint, and I would NEVER pretend to be. I have done and said things that would make Mother Theresa hang her head in shame. But I am not making up the things that have happened to me or that were said to me. And I am not trying to play a victim or get sympathy. That is the furthest thing from my mind. However, these things happened, and I am sure they have happened and/or are happening to some of you NOW! Don’t. Stand. For. It! Walk away if you can! Put a stop to it. Call them out on it!

In summation, LOVE who YOU are!! Know that you are not imagining things. And again, don’t stand from this type of abuse from ANYONE!!! Not from your job, work, bosses, coworkers, friends, lovers, or family!!! You are NOT imagining things!!

And please tell me your experiences in the comment section below.

And of course, be mentally well!!!

P.S. I am now an Amazon Affiliate!!! Please check out the following book!

“Toxic thoughts, depression, anxiety–our mental mess is frequently aggravated by a chaotic world and sustained by an inability to manage our runaway thoughts. But we shouldn’t settle into this mental mess as if it’s just our new normal. There’s hope and help available to us–and the road to healthier thoughts and peak happiness may actually be shorter than you think.”

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Sources:

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Welcome back my friends and fellow mind benders!

This is probably going to be my shortest blog post. So, enjoy it while you can! Ha!

It has been said many, MANY times before – ye olde phrase – “you are not alone.” And hearing it, you probably want to vomit. So, why am I saying it? Because it is true: You are NOT alone.

So, why am I doing this topic on such a corny saying??? Because it is soooooo easy to get lost in this BS known as life, wandering around aimlessly on that hamster wheel, repeatedly doing your thing: Going to work, going to the gym, being in a relationship, making sure the bills are paid and your family is fed. Trying to be this, trying to be that, trying to do this, trying to do that, trying to be anything but fly. (okay that last bit is from a song. Oh never mind LOLOL)

But in going through life trying to do all the things you are “supposed” to be doing, it is very easy to get lost. Or stuck. Or feel hopeless. Or drained. Or that you don’t matter.

You DO matter!

And you are NOT alone!

You are not alone on that damn hamster wheel of life!

You are not alone in your struggles with mental illness.

You are not alone in your struggles with depression.

You are not alone in feeling as if you don’t matter.

You are not alone in feeling that people are letting you down.

You are not alone in your battles with weight or finances or struggling to continue during this pandemic that is STILL GOING ON!

You are not alone if you are thinking of ending it all.

You. Are. Not. Alone!!

Chances are if you are going through something or feeling a certain way, others are, too. And I cry fowl on people who claim that everything is okay, hunky dory, so wonderful,
Atlanta peachy keen. Yuck! I mean, the social media pics say so, right?? Bull. Shit.

And if you feel you don’t have anyone to talk to, please, please, PLEASE reach out to ME! No, I am not a doctor or a therapist or medical professional as my disclaimer proclaims, BUT I am actually a very good listener. I won’t give advice unless you want me to LOL.

The comment section is always free and open. I will even share my email address with you if you don’t wish to utilize the comment section. Just ask.

Or if not me, reach out to SOMEONE!

And as the song suggests and as I have said myself, PLENTY OF TIMES, come to my aid.

In summation, I get it. I am struggling. We are all probably struggling in some way. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Fight it!! Talk it out! Scream it out!! Sing it out!! SHOUT IT OUT!!!

Let someone know that you just can ‘t deal. And as I’ve said before, this ONGOING pandemic ain’t helping things. This extra stress of dealing with a potentially deadly virus and very stupid, disagreeable people who either don’t believe that there is a virus or who don’t believe in the vaccine or in wearing masks, all of this can really wear you down.

I am here for you. I really am, because I know what it is like to feel alone and to BE alone. But again, you are not alone, my fellow bent minds.

As always, please be mentally well and safe!!!

P.S. I am now an Amazon Affiliate! And I feel that since there are a LOT of Star Wars fans out there, this is a pretty relevant video – a new hope. Because I still feel hope even in the darkest of circumstances. Enjoy!

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).