Season’s Greetings, Everyone! I do hope all is well with you, and you are surviving the holidays. Because, child, I know it can be tough during this time. So, big hugz to all of you!
So, this week I would like to talk about something that probably has affected all of us in some way. And that is feelings of abandonment during your childhood by your parents and/or caregivers. (Yep. Just in time for the holidays. Sorry.)
So, consider this your trigger warning!
I like to place myself in the middle of my blog posts. Because, after all, if I am not willing to display myself and my mental imbalances, then why even do this to begin with?
So, consider me shining a light on this subject, using myself as a guinea pig. 😉😁
I know we have all heard it before that everything goes back to childhood and to some extent it is true.
Me in D.C., one month away from my 2nd birthday
With that said, I will not bore you with all of the gory details. However, I will simply start by saying when I was 5 years of age, my mother and father allowed me to move away from them in Washington, D.C., to live in Wadesboro, North Carolina, with my grandparents and aunt – my father’s parents and sister.
Me with Snoopy in D.C.!
As you have probably read in previous posts, my family life was not the most ideal. Though to be fair, I was given everything a little black child could want or hope for, even a promise with a trip to Paris (and I don’t mean the Paris in Texas) hahaha!
So, I did have a blessed childhood in terms of presents and gifts and cash and birthday parties, and Christmases, etc.
Me in Kindergarten in Wadesboro, N.C.
Whenever my parents would leave the foreboding and intimidating confines of Washington, D.C., to arrive in Wadesboro for visits, and then would leave to return to D.C., there was that feeling of abandonment that would creep up inside me.
I can say this now, but I felt this deep ache in the pit of my stomach and soul whenever they left. I would feel so empty once they were gone. And I cried an ocean of tears.
Okay. So, fast forward to now and upon me reflecting, I am beginning to understand why I have feelings of rejection or rather, a FEAR of rejection. And how I tread very carefully, particularly in personal romantic relationships. I don’t want to get hurt. But then again who does?
People who feel abandoned may react in different ways. I totally react as a bitch towards people and mankind sometimes. Not gonna lie. I stay away. I detach. I stay off to myself. Perhaps it is because I don’t want to get hurt. Anymore.
Now, I am totally ripping from one of the articles below that I have chosen as a source, some of the emotional difficulties that are commonly experienced by adult children of abandoning/emotionally unavailable parents (caregivers):
Abusive relationships
Anxiety Disorders or symptoms
Attachment Disorders
Borderline Personality Disorder
Care-taking and Codependency
Chaotic Lifestyle
Clingy/needy behavior
Compulsive behaviors may develop
Depression
Desperate relationships/relationships that happen too fast
Disturbances of mood, cannot self-regulate and experiences emotions in extreme
Extreme jealousy and possessiveness
Lack of confidence, self-esteem issue
May be poor at self-soothing
People-pleasing behaviors to detriment of self.
Poor coping strategies
Promiscuity
Relationship problems
Trust issues
And I fit nearly all of them.
And in relationships, romantic or otherwise, when it all goes wrong, I ask myself “What did I do wrong? What have I done? How can I fix this?” I am sure that a lot of us have felt that way before.
And I sometimes I think why do I feel a need to put on a show in public and “act?” Is it because I want to be liked? Or loved? To get attention because I am still trying to get my parents’ attention, but seeking it elsewhere as an adult?
In truth, I was not abandoned. My mother felt it best that I live with my grandparents, because as she tells it now, she didn’t like how my father was treating me. She thought his approach to discipline was a bit heavy handed, so to speak, which I can definitely see. And she didn’t want him “beating on me all the time.” She, in essence, did it to save my life. And maybe that’s being a bit overly dramatic, but that is how I see it now.
Again, I am shining a light. I am not blaming.
Anyhoo, leaving a child can certainly make that child feel unwanted. And I can understand a bit what adopted children may feel, though I was not adopted. But in a way, yes, I suppose I was.
And yes, there were times when I didn’t feel wanted by either my parents or my grandparents. And that translated into, once again, personal relationships.
And not just romantic ones.
I have felt the rejection in friendships, as well.
You do what you can to bridge those gaps in friendships. You invite them places. They can’t go for whatever reason. All right. You call them. They don’t call back. You TEXT them. It takes them DAYS to respond if they respond at all.
You see pics on social media where they are at the bar. Or a restaurant. Or on a trip and a local one at that, and they didn’t invite you.
And speaking of the romantic relationships, potential or otherwise, lately it’s been “I don’t feel an attraction.” Or “I think we should just be friends.” And I’ve said it, too.
But I wonder if the through line is the feelings of abandonment and rejection I felt as a child?
I am going to answer in the affirmative for myself. I do link it back to childhood. Maybe if my parents had raised me, I would feel differently. But then again, if they didn’t pay me any attention, I probably would have still felt abandoned.
And I haven’t even tapped into the emotional abandonment. Well, that one came from my grandparents and aunt. Whenever I would act up or become seemingly too much to handle, my grandmother would retort “I wish your mama and daddy would take you back!”
So, there was the fear of abandonment. And that actually hurt me the most.
But then there were also the threats that my grandmother was going to leave. And as I now know, over my grandfather’s affairs. Child, 1002 Montgomery Street was a hot mess back in the day!! Please click on the link below to read that story:
I am not mad at my family or upset with them (anymore) LOLOL I am simply putting the pieces of the puzzle together so that when these negative feelings crop up again, and surely they will, I will know where they come from and how to deal with them in a mature manner.
Feeling abandoned can be extremely tough, especially during the holidays. And here I am writing about it at this time! But remember, if you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
That’s it, everyone. Next week, I am going to talk about taking a break from social murder, I mean social media. 😉😊 Stay tuned! Until then, please be safe and have a wonderful, Merry whatever you celebrate or don’t, at this time of year, and Season’s Greetings, etc.!!
Sources (and great reads that go more in depth on the subject. Please read)!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
I have decided that since it is Thanksgiving time, that I am going to keep it light and airy and post my top 25 things I am grateful for.
Thanksgiving shouldn’t be the only time to give thanks. I personally think you should give thanks on a daily basis.
As I have learned over the years, being grateful – I mean, honestly and truly grateful for what you already have, brings more into your life. It does work!
This post is designed to be short and sweet. So, we’ll see.
I am alive and healthy.
I have a warm, safe place to live.
I have plenty and I do mean PLENTY of food!
4. I have several friends I can talk to and count on.
5. I have strong, personal and spiritual connections with several people.
6. I have wheels! i.e. a workable, running, reliable car! Thanks to my brother!
7. I have work that I love and enjoy FINALLY!
8. I am so grateful for my blog and my readers!
9. I am so thankful and happy to be creative.
10. I am thankful that I write.
11. I am grateful for my work schedule that allows me LOTS of flexibility during my day and/or week.
12. I am so thankful for my favorite watering holes where I get to meet up with my friends and acquaintances and simply drink and chat.
13. I am grateful for being a Gen Xer and being my age!
14. I am grateful for old soap operas (that really help my mental wellness!)
15. I am grateful for The Golden Girls.
16. I am grateful for The Three Stooges.
17. I am grateful for I Love Lucy.
18. And I am truly thankful for the laughs that they provide.
19. As a matter of fact, I am so thankful for all the retro TV of my life and TV channels that provide them!!
20. I am thankful that I can play several musical instruments.
21. I am so thankful that I can cook for myself!
22. I am thankful for affirmations that help and guide me and keep me motivated and sane.
23. I am thankful for a loving Universe and Loving Spiritual Companion/Higher Power that guides me and keeps me safe and protects me.
24. I am thankful for gadgets, such as laptops, computers, phones, my own washer and dryer, etc. And they work! Thankfully!
25. And I am especially grateful for music in my life!!!
Please tell me what you are thankful for below in the comment section.
As I like to do with every post, I end with if you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
Please come back next week as I tackle really letting go – Universe style. Until then, as always be mentally well.
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
I would like to give a shout and credit to Ted Owens and Pro Church for the wonderful pics!!
Greetings my dearest friends! Welcome back! I do hope you are all doing well or as well as can be.
I hope to keep this short and sweet. Ha! That’s a hot one.
I really feel a need to discuss the current political climate in the wake of what is/has been going on.
This is intended to be a rant/stream of consciousness post.
As of this writing, the November 8 election has already taken place.
And I am proud to say that the “Red Wave” wasn’t a wave. More like a drizzle. 🤣🤣🤣
The Democrats are maintaining control of the Senate. The House is controlled by the Republicans (unfortunately), meaning Speaker Nancy Pelosi will have to step down and hand the gavel over to Rep. Kevin McCarthy. Ugh!
But I want to talk about how all this political garbage – and it is GARBAGE – starting way back when a certain reality TV star rose to the Highest Office in the Land and thoroughly mucked it up. Starting in 2016 on that dreary particular November night, this country lost its soul. It really did. And we haven’t gotten it back since, even with President Biden being in office.
So, hang on, because I am not going to sugar coat things. I am going to get VERY political, and I don’t mind stating off the bat that I am true blue, if you know what I mean.
This post is really coming from a mental health standpoint.
This country has descended into absolute madness over this shit.
The most recent is the attack on Paul Pelosi, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi’s husband. And yes, we all know now that it was politically motivated. I don’t need to go into all the details about it, but just a quick recap, a rather unhinged trump supporter (oxymoron), somehow got into the Pelosi home and attacked Paul. With a hammer. This individual kept shouting “Where’s Nancy?” over and over and again. He arrived with zip ties with an intent to take Nancy hostage and break her kneecaps. Yes. You heard that right. Anyway, fortunately, Paul was able to get on the phone with 911 and contact the police. They arrived and caught this nut, and Mr. Pelosi was taken to the hospital and is now recovering, thankfully.
So, is this where we are in the grand old USA? We are now physically attacking politicians who do not agree with us? We are now inciting violence and threatening people? The Republinuts are showing up at polling places with GUNS (and knives) to intimidate voters?? And this is all coming from the so-called “right,” the MAGA Republican Party.
This MAGA nonsense is like a cancer in the soul of this country. I am sorry – not sorry – but when you have to lie and cheat and threaten and attempt to steal an election and demand a recounting of votes over and over and OVER AGAIN, claiming that the election was stolen from you, when you know doggone well you lost, you need therapy like yesterday. You need to seek help and free yourself from this CULT, because that is what it is. You have truly lost your mind.
There are people in this country, right now, who are literally frightened for their lives because of this mess. People of color, the LGBTQ community, Jewish people, women, etc. who feel that they do not have standing or a voice or security or safety in this country anymore. It is truly a horrible time, in my opinion, to live here. The level of hatred in this country is mindboggling and sick.
I am quite frankly sick of seeing and hearing about certain politicians and former so-called politicians. They are doing NOTHING (well, that too) but inciting this propaganda and rhetoric and instigating this cult mentality.
And speaking of cults, I wrote extensively about them back in the spring. Please click on the link here:
To me, that is exactly what is going on. I feel we are in the age of a cult mentality in politics where it is all or nothing at all, do or literally die. Follow one leader blindly no matter what he or she says or does. No right anymore. Just a whole bunch of wrong. And that is such a dangerous way to live. To say that our democracy here is at stake is definitely an understatement.
And how has this affected me (and others as I am learning)?
My hostility has risen.
My trust of others has taken a deep dive.
I have lost longtime friendships over this.
I am fearful. A bit. But really I am more angry that this sort of thing has been allowed to continue with hardly any repercussions.
I have become more political than I ever have in my life!!!
So, let me actually start with number 5, becoming more “political.” For all of my life up until 2016, I never paid that much attention to politics. I did vote, but I was like whatever. I sort of half paid attention to the presidents throughout my lifetime. I paid more attention as an adult as I started voting on what their issues were, etc. But until #45, past presidents weren’t talking hate or nonsense or utter foolishness. Not to mention they knew what they were doing and how to run office!!! They were not being divisive until 45. Bush was a total idiot, don’t get me wrong, I was never afraid for my personal safety as a result of him being in office. I wasn’t fearful until 45. It was like seeing the Rise of Hitler all over again. I swear to God after that thing, that malignancy was elected, I was afraid to even leave my house at first. I have NEVER felt that way in my life ever!!! Afraid to leave my house?? Hell no!
But back to being more politically aware. I became aware that yes, apparently democracy IS a fragile thing. That I should REALLY pay attention to EVERY candidate. Pay attention to what I believe in. Pay attention to what is being said. And definitely get out and vote!!
And perhaps that is the lesson from all of this. Or at least part of the lesson. Voting and being aware that freedoms over in the Grand Ole U.S. of A can be taken away.
But I am sure those of you reading this are just as sick and tired of all of this as I am. Will we ever get back to normal? Probably not, unfortunately.
When politics becomes a mental illness in and of itself or you are starting to become mentally imbalanced because of politics – just like religion – that is a problem. A huge problem.
Better yet, when it becomes an out and out CULT, that is a serious problem and HUGE red flag.
And dangerous. Don’t forget dangerous. With the political violence and the threats and the armed nutjobs at polling stations. When is enough enough?????
And who storms the U.S. Capitol of the United States???? Was it worth it? Was it really? I think not.
But remember, if you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
That’s it for today, my friends. Come back next time as I keep it light and airy and delve into my 25 things I am grateful for, since it will be the Thanksgiving holiday. Until then, please be safe and mentally well.
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
Hi this is your boy/girl Derek back with another dope post on mental imbalance. (Pardon my attempt to sound hip. 😉) I hope you are all taking care of yourselves, both mentally and physically.
So, a couple of weeks ago, I dove into the fascination with serial killers, horror movies, and the true crime genre. See link below:
This week I am deep diving into families. But more specifically, how family secrets and turmoil can destroy your psyche and mental wellness.
I am just going to go there and state my own personal story. So hang on for a wild, yet possibly familiar, ride.
When I was about 20 years of age back in 1987 and home for summer break from UNC, my grandmother sat me down and told me the truth of what had been going on in our household for decades and, yes, since I was a child. What she would reveal would be so shocking and disturbing that it would destroy me and push me into indescribable anguish, torment, and mental illness.
This story actually goes back to the 70s. So, we shall start there.
I was absolutely fascinated that my grandfather worked at McLeod Plywood & Company in Wadesboro, North Carolina. For some unknown reason, I referred to it as “the box factory.” So, as a child I would go around saying that my grandfather worked down at “the box factory.”
So, natch, I was thrilled when my grandfather would take me there. And I believe he only took me there maybe once or twice, and I met several of his coworkers, including a woman named Millie Rae Johnson. Mille Rae seemed nice enough. I remember her having very dark skin and wearing thick, coke-bottle type glasses.
Well flashforward to the late 70s/early 80s. I ended up going to school with a kid named Zane Johnson starting in 6th grade in 1978. Zane was pretty quiet, but nice. I liked him, and that isn’t an easy thing for me to say about anyone I went to school with back then, especially anyone from the 6th grade. Let’s just say 6th grade was particularly tough for me.
Anyhoo, Zane and I would go on to become friends and classmates throughout junior high and high school, and we graduated together. As a matter of fact, we shared several A.P. (advanced placement) classes, especially in high school.
Now along comes Jason Johnson. (As you will see the Johnson name fits quite prominently in this story). I do remember Jason from junior high because of band. Jason also played the trumpet like me. And Jason was one grade above both me and Zane. And it turns out that Zane, though one year younger, was actually Jason’s uncle. 😱 Hey, it happens. Oh. And Mille Rae Johnson was Jason’s mother. I never knew how Zane was related to Millie Rae, though.
By the time we all got to high school, Jason and I began to get closer because of our shared band and trumpet connection. And by my junior year/Jason’s senior year, we were pretty tight. We shared so many laughs out on that marching field in Wildermuth Stadium, which figures prominently in today’s story, too. We played next to one another as a matter of fact. One of Jason’s favorite phrases was “the Gap Band” referencing the huge gaps in the clarinet section during practice when they weren’t getting the moves right. 😂🤣
Me in one of our MANY parades in Wadesboro.
But I digress.
And finally to cement this little picture that I am setting up, enter little Alexander. Now, Alexander was actually Jason’s younger brother and, therefore, also nephew to Zane, my classmate and the younger son of Millie Rae. And Alexander was one year behind me and Zane. So, at one point in both junior high and high school, all four of us were in school together. Me, Jason, Zane, and Alexander.
Did you get all of that? Okay. On with the rest of the story.
While I was close with both Zane and Jason, I wasn’t close at all with Alexander. As a matter of fact, I found Alexander a bit odd, especially his behaviour towards me. He didn’t call me the homophobic names the other kids had called me. I mean, he may have behind my back. But he just seemed to always try and ingratiate his way into my life, well at school anyway. Whenever I was around Zane and/or Jason, Alexander would sort of saddle up to me and try and have a conversation, but he always seemed rather glib, as if he knew something I didn’t. And boy would that turn out to be true.
The strangest of the strange came when Zane and I graduated from low school in 1985. It was tradition that the graduation ceremony was to be held in Wildermuth Stadium where we played all of our home games. And it was a very, VERY nice stadium! Huge! And I was looking forward to it. However, it rained, and the ceremony had to be moved to the gymnasium at the last minute. (One of the many reasons why I loathe rain to this day).
In the event of inclement weather, each graduate had only four tickets to use, because our gym wasn’t going to hold everyone whereas the stadium would. And my grandfather, aunt, mother, father and brother were in attendance. (Grandmother didn’t attend because of problems with her legs and her fear of climbing those stadium steps). But that would still mean one of my family in attendance wouldn’t be able to see me graduate. Damn! All those years of torture in school and someone was going to miss me getting the hell outta there. FINALLY!
However, everyone was able to see me graduate that night, because Alexander gave his ticket to my grandfather, which I thought was thoughtful, yet strange. Why would he do that? He didn’t know my grandfather did he? Well, I suppose so since he was Millie Rae’s son. I suppose they met that way. But didn’t that mean he would also miss out on seeing his Uncle Zane graduate?
So, now that I have set up the backstory, flashforward back to that dreadful summer of 1987, when my grandmother – as the Gap Band song suggests – “dropped a bomb on me.” She told me to get my senior yearbook, which I did, because she had something to tell me. I got the yearbook, and she told me to turn to the page that had Alexander on it. And so I did, but I had to ask why. My grandmother said something that would forever rock me to my core:
MY GRANDDADDY WAS ALEXANDER’S FATHER!!!
PAUSE. CRICKET. CRICKET. CHIRP. CHIRP.
WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DID SHE JUST SAY????
“Whaddya deaf? I heard her from here!” (Golden Girls’ Sophia quote 😂😂)
My grandfather was actually Alexander’s biological father. Not only that, but there was a girl named Maddie, too, that was his daughter. I couldn’t believe what my grandmother was saying to me.
And Millie Rae, his coworker, was the mama, which meant my grandfather had had an affair with this woman, his coworker!!
My grandfather, who raised me, had been having affairs behind my grandmother’s back for YEARS!! And I never knew it.
When my grandmother found out all of this, she was LIVID naturally! As a matter of fact, she told me about a confrontation she had with this Mille Rae person on a shopping trip to Belk’s uptown Wadesboro. My Aunt Eva was with her at the time and from what I understand, she had to hold my grandmother back, if you catch my drift. LOLOLOL
Part of the hilarious exchange between the two, that my grandmother always told me, went something like this:
Millie Rae: You got any proof! You got any proof! [That the children are my grandfather Frank’s].
Costella: Yeah, them bastards you have to look at!
Ouch! My grandmother didn’t play, honey! 😂😂😂
Afterwards, it all made sense. The fights between my grandparents. (She went after him with a butcher knife, she threw hot water on him, and she went after him with a broom)!! The strange things that were said in that house, i.e. my aunt saying “if I ever see her in that car, I’ll snatch her out of it myself!” So, it turns out that this mystery woman who was going to get snatched was Millie Rae!
You see watching my grandparents go at it like it was the Friday night fights made me think growing up that that is what you do in a relationship, and so when I was older and in personal romantic relationships, that is what I did: I yelled and screamed. I resorted to harsh words, sarcasm, manipulation, and even physical violence! I was horrible. And I know that now. But I learned it at home.
Also, when I was a child and my grandfather and I would go somewhere together, upon our return, my grandmother always asked me “Did he take you to his girlfriend’s house?” I always thought she was joking. She always said funny stuff. But apparently she was NOT joking about this.
She even went on to describe in painful detail how he had inflicted her with syphilis on at least three different occasions!!! Dear GOD IN HEAVEN!! Perhaps a nearly 20-year-old me shouldn’t have been told any of this, but it was like watching my very own soap opera unfold in my own house right in front of me!!
Anyhoo, after my grandmother’s confession, I felt sick and stunned. And angry. Very, very angry with my grandfather. Putting all the pieces together, I realized why my grandmother was always on edge and fearful and anxious. And well, angry towards my grandfather. I always found it quite strange that she would just blow up at him for no reason. Well, now I knew the reason.
I hated my grandfather after that. I mean, there were other reasons to hate him before for the way he had treated me over the years. But this was the straw that finally broke the proverbial camel’s back, so to speak.
I felt betrayed. I felt that my life was a lie at this point. Though he was a mean sonofagun, I thought my grandfather was righteous, at least in his own way, and that he wasn’t capable of infidelity. Boy, was I wrong. I mean, he was the deacon of our church, and he kept his Bible open at his place at the table. Always.
And so, this was the beginning of me turning against religion. That fall of 1987, I left that horrible cult I was in. But it didn’t end there. (Please see the links to those posts below).
And I know. I know. “But it isn’t religion’s fault.” No, it isn’t. But I get so sick and tired of hearing how pious people are or try to act, and they have these skeletons in their closet. Just come out and admit you are human and, therefore, fallible like the rest of us. You are NOT God or Jesus or Buddha, etc.!!!
Starting in 1989, I came out. But I also began to dissociate from myself. I “split” into other selves much like Viki did on One Life to Live upon finding out about her father’s sins. I was a walking Three Faces of Eve and Sybil all rolled into one. And it was in 1989, that I started going out to the gay bars and calling myself Nick or Daryl.
My alters came about as a coping mechanism. I also drank a lot back then after finding out the truth.
I was a mess.
But I know that I am not the only one, because it happens when you believe your family life is one way when it is entirely different.
My grandfather would NEVER come out and admit to me what he actually did. It all came from my grandmother, whom I suspect could not take it any longer. You see all my grandfather would say to me about it is “I know I did wrong. But my family never suffered.” The hell we didn’t!!!! My grandfather’s double life caused such horrendous STRESS in our household. My grandfather’s sick secret damaged the mental wellbeing of our entire family, particularly my grandmother, my aunt, and me.
My grandmother was depressed. A lot. She seemed to be fine one minute and the next, she seemed to be quite the Debbie Downer. I often felt that she was just miserable, and I never knew why. I take that back. I even sensed as a child that my grandmother was unhappy because of my grandfather. And now I know exactly why.
My aunt to this day cannot handle the truth of what my grandfather did. She refuses to acknowledge it or even discuss it.
My father decided that he wanted to speak with his baby sister, the illegitimate one. So, he obtained her number somehow and contacted her. They met and had lunch or whatever, and I believe, according to my mother, met one more time because I think she and my brother were there. And according to my mother, it was a disaster because my father ran his mouth about all kinds of stupid, unrelated things. After that, my new aunt never contacted him again, and my mother believes it was because of him.
My aunt got on the phone with me one Sunday and told me about my father’s meeting with this girl, etc., and she just was NOT having it. She kept going on and on about why my father felt a need to dredge up the past. Apparently, both the son and the daughter came to the house in Wadesboro wayyyy back in the day, and my aunt threw them out. Oh and another thing, the story now goes that Alexander was NOT my grandfather’s child and, therefore, not my uncle. I find that hard to swallow, because when my grandmother pointed him out in my high school yearbook, she noted the resemblance to my grandfather, which was undeniable, in my opinion.
Living in that house, I thought the reason why everyone was so angry and miserable was MY fault. THIS IS ANOTHER ASPECT OF HOW SICK FAMILY SECRETS CAN AFFECT YOU!! You blame yourself.
My point is that keeping such secrets can make YOU feel sick. You feel out of your body, which is exactly what I felt back then, which led to me splitting off from myself.
And I am using this platform to tell all, because I am not protecting anyone’s secrets anymore, meaning my family’s. This is not about revenge, but to tell how this affected me and how it can affect all involved.
My grandparents are now dead, and I am sure those of you reading this are asking why bring this up now? My need to bring this to light is, again, NOT about revenge, but about healing. Mine. And my family’s. This revelation hurt me and my family in more ways than you can even imagine.
My overall point, if I haven’t driven it home by now, is that family secrets do NOTHING but hurt all involved. Discuss it. Talk about it. Admit you are wrong if you are the culprit behind or harboring a huge family secret.
And let me just say in summary about my situation, that if my grandfather had been totally transparent, I could have gotten to know my new uncle and new aunt. We could have all had a wonderful relationship all these years, but I was robbed of that chance. Could I contact them now? I could. But I really don’t see the point now. I don’t know. Maybe too much time has passed. Or maybe one day I will.
I have struggled all these years to forgive my grandfather, but it is very hard to do so because of the collateral damage.
I am totally ripping from the below article/source 5 Reasons Why Keeping Family Secrets Could Be Harmful. OMG! I fit every single one!!! Please read! As well as 7 Dangers of Keeping Family Secrets.
If you see yourself in this very revealing article, please don’t suffer alone. If you feel that you cannot cope or need to speak with a professional, then online therapy may be the way to go. You can do this in the comfort of your own home without having to get in traffic to drive to an office. Check it out by clicking on the link below:
Thank you so much for joining me on this very personal journey. I will be back next week with another article, about politics. YIKES! But in the meantime, as always, be safe and mentally well!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.
AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).
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