Growing Up Gay in a Straight World (REALLY SUCKED!)

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

Sissy!

Faggot!

Punk!

Were just a few of the names that I was called growing up in Wadesboro, North Carolina. These awful names hurt me. A lot. I was mocked and ridiculed by not only classmates and some of the neighborhood kids, but also in some cases teachers and other adults. And I didn’t know what I did to deserve it. Apparently, I acted like a “girl” when I was a child, which APPARENTLY warranted such abuse. But it wasn’t just the words that hurt. It was the attitude of society, of the entire planet that may have hurt the most.

Trying to hide my identity was so mentally draining. I did everything I could to not let my secret be exposed – or rather – to try and prove everyone wrong, that I was NOT a sissy, faggot, punk! I didn’t do it by dating girls, though I did take one to my senior prom. One thing I felt that I could do was pretend to like sports. So, I feigned an interest so that my then-best friend, who was really into sports, surely didn’t believe that I was queer. I never liked sports. Well, that isn’t entirely true. I did like wrestling, because of the men in their tight trunks LOL I did develop a taste for basketball, mostly college basketball such as the UNC Chapel Hill team and I, of course, later attended and graduated from UNC!

But in secret, I would put a towel on my head and pretend to be a girl. I put on my aunt’s makeup and bra and heels and would parade around the house that way when no one was home. I worked the runway, honey, before it was a thing! But ahhhh the towel on my head thing. Let’s go back even further.

It started when I was very little. I don’t remember the exact age, but I would guess I was probably 6 years old. What I would do is I would put a large bath towel on my head as my long hair and parade around the house and say “I’m a girl! Girl! Girl!” LOL I did this for YEARS! Well, at least for the first couple of years out in the open. I would even do it outdoors and walk around that way, and I didn’t care who saw me!!!! Heck, my aunt would even sometimes fashion the towel into a ponytail. I thought I was hot!! LOL But the years went by, and I believe I was around 10 at the height of “The Bionic Woman,” (and yes, I definitely put my towel/wig on and pretended to be Jaime) but around this time, my grandmother and my aunt both started yelling at me to “take that mess off your head!” I felt hurt and crushed. So, I did what they asked. And that is when I started doing it in secret all the way through high school!!

When I look back on it, I wonder if they hadn’t stopped me and encouraged me instead, if I would have become a drag queen or female impersonator. Or maybe transgender.

Religion/Christianity

You’re going to burn in hell if you’re gay!

Mankind shall not lie with mankind! It is an abomination unto the Lord!

God hates Fags!!!

More damaging rhetoric. And, of course, it comes from religion. And, of course, I have to mention it.

So, I was also an abomination. God didn’t even like me. No he HATED me. Religion didn’t like me. It was constantly talked about in my household how obviously being gay was frowned upon and that God didn’t approve. They had a “little sugar in ’em,” as my family used to say. Or the use of the Fred Sanford (“Sanford and Son”) wave of the hand to indicate someone was “funny” was used quite a lot in my house. All of this talk made me feel as though I was an alien, an outcast, dirty, filthy and disgusting. There was a minister in our church, at the time, who was “funny.” They talked about that man all the time, and good things were not said. They made fun of him. So, I knew that it was not okay to be effeminate. But to be a minister and “that way,” oh boy!

And nothing hasn’t changed in terms of how some “Christians” feel about homosexuality. How many times have I heard from straight Christians “I love YOU. Just not your lifestyle.” Lifestyle????? What is this the “Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous?” Is heterosexuality a LIFESTYLE??? Because I have NEVER heard it called that. And do you know how condescending it is to hear someone say that? They love YOU but not your lifestyle, as if being straight is such a superior, wonderful thing to be. Well, straight people have their privilege. The privilege of being able to walk down the street holding hands without receiving any stares. The privilege of having the benefit of the doubt and the assumption that you are straight. The privilege of being able to have and adopt children freely and without question. The privilege for being automatically understood, accepted, loved and never judged just for being straight. And the list goes on and on.

One summer visiting my folks and brother in D.C., I saw this Christian pamphlet on homosexuality and how wrong and abnormal it was and sinful, of course. From what I remember, it told the story of a young boy who was “lured” into homosexuality by an older man in a park. How. Stupid. As if that is how it happens. But it made it seem that that is how homosexuality starts, from a depraved older man preying on boys. That is NOT how it happens!!! And it doesn’t “happen.” Either you are or you aren’t. Yes, you are BORN THAT WAY! There is no horrific event that “makes” or “turns” you gay. Is there a single event that makes or turns you straight? I’ll wait. But reading that pamphlet made me feel even worse about myself. I felt guilty and ashamed. And alone.

And for the Christians reading this who feel the need to pray over me and my “lifestyle,” save the prayers for YOUR ignorance, bigotry, and stupidity. Yeah. I said it.

Toxic Media Images – It’s the Straight way or the HIGHWAY!

Now, let’s talk about the images we, as gay people, see on television, in the media, magazines, and in the movies, etc.

Boy meets girl. Boy marries girl. Pretty much the end of the story. Boy and girl live happily ever after, and raise their little family. Blah, blah, blah. So on and so forth. Everyone applauds and approves of such a union. Growing up, I never saw boy meets boy. Or girl meets girl. Instead the images and portrayals of gay men were always about us being made fun of, beaten up, or even murdered. No happily ever after. None of that. In other instances, we eventually became the best friend to the heroine. Or the comic relief. We were the hairdressers TO or the confidante OF the female bestie. We NEVER got true love stories or happily ever afters of our own, I suppose, because we were seen as the joke, the clowns, the deviants in our secret homosexual world with our sick and sordid backroom sexual antics that were never spoken of. Only in whispers and stares. But gee. I wonder who put us there. Hmmm …

The Big Secret

Being gay, you’re the big secret. The awful thing that struggles first with your identity, but then after you realize who you really are, you must decide whether to either continue to keep it a secret or to come out to your family and tell them the truth about who you really are. It is VERY stressful, to say the least. And some gays and lesbians cannot deal with all of this and fall into severe depression and even decide to end their lives. Gee, how many straight people end their lives over being … straight? Again, I’ll wait. Cricket. Cricket. It is horrible to think that you don’t feel your life is worth living, because you feel that you cannot be your true, authentic self. And that really hurts and is quite damaging to your self-worth, psyche and mental wellbeing.

Yes, it does take a toll on your mental health. You cannot imagine what it is like having to deal with all of this. And the older you are, I would suspect the more trouble you had coming out. I do feel like things are easier now for the LGBTQ community in terms of coming out and being accepted. Goodness! You have CHILDREN coming out now!!!! But there are hordes and hordes of people out there who will NEVER accept who you are. And people who will forever remain in the closet out of fear. Again, this is very damaging to your mental health and wellbeing.

In summation, growing up gay in a straight world was NOT easy. And yes, it really, REALLY SUCKED!!! The mental and emotional toll it took on me (and countless others) was devastating. This is why I encourage people to be themselves. I am a huge supporter of transgender rights and for people to be called or referred to whatever they wish to be called or referred to. You know, it is not for any of us to try and understand or judge. Just let people be and accept – not tolerate because that implies dealing with something repugnant and/or putting up with something you don’t really care about in the first place – people for who they are. Just embrace and accept people as you would expect them to do for you.

This topic is far from over, by the way. More to come. And don’t forget to leave me a comment below.

In the meantime, peace! And be mentally well!