DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
Hello, my fellow friends battling mental imbalance (and those who aren’t)!
Boundaries. We all have them. However, there are many times when people try and push past them. So, how do you handle it when they do?
Some examples of boundary pushing are:
- People not being mindful of your time.
- When friends or family won’t get off the phone when talking to you for hours, and you’ve given EVERY indication you are ready to hang up!
- Taking or borrowing your things without asking.
- Saying things to you that you find inappropriate.
- Touching you or even hugging you without your permission.
- Not asking permission. Period.
- Making assumptions that you will or will not do something.
- Borrowing money – oh boy what a sticky one, expecially between friends! And if you are always loaning money to someone!!
You get my drift.
I am a person who has spent MOST of my life with people pushing past my boundaries, and I am still learning how to set my own personal boundaries, even at age 54. There are times when I do keep my mouth shut over some things and others not so much. Some boundaries are easy to set, while some boundaries, especially between close friends and even family and people you like, may not be so easy.
The Phone
Well, one boundary I have begun to set for myself is in regards to the phone. We live in a society where we ALWAYS have our phones with us now due to the invention of the smartphone. But I have realized that I would rather have someone text me than call me. Yes. I have become THAT person. I will only accept phone calls from close family and close friends. Everyone else can just text me unless it is an emergency. And if it is, then may I suggest 911? My little joke.
I am no longer into idle chitchat, and I think some of my friends and associates are starting to get the message, so to speak. I let the phone always go to voicemail, and I always have it set on silent. I will call back when I have the time, which could be the following week. Or two!! LOL
Your Job/Work/Coworkers
I have recently been reminded of boundary setting by two friends/coworkers who have no problem speaking up for themselves. And this made me question am I doing the same? I feel like I do, and that I have. But am I really?
I recently had to explain to one of the coworkers I mentioned above that she stepped over my boundaries by speaking for me in regards to something as simple as going to the movies. She told the other boundary-setting coworker that I would be happy to go with her to see the movie “Aretha.” In other words, she spoke FOR me. And I was not happy with that, and I told her so. She was completely understanding. So, I guess I do speak up for myself. LOL
I think one of the ways to know your boundaries is to know yourself and what you will and will not tolerate or put up with. As I’ve heard many times before, know your worth! What may be okay with one may not be okay with another. Back to my coworker who crossed a boundary with me, well previously, she did not like it when me and another coworker were whispering to each other. That doesn’t bother me unless we are at dinner or something. But at work or anywhere else, I wouldn’t care. But it obviously bothered her, and she let us know. And whispering in front of others is considered rude by many people.
The Boss
And yes, I think it is important to set boundaries with your bosses, too. Just because they are your boss or director, doesn’t mean they have a right to overstep. Yelling at coworkers or speaking inappropriately to them is crossing a boundary. In the past, I had someone who actually was not a boss, but a music director who said that the music he was directing SUCKED! Mind you, I had written the play for this music and the lyrics, and had gotten an outside composer to compose the music. In other words, I did not go with the normal composer he always used, and he was mad at that. But what he said in music rehearsal was offensive, childish and totally crossed several boundaries.
Your Body is YOUR Body!!
Your personal space and your body. Okay here we go. I just had a friend reveal to me that he feels that a friend did not respect his boundaries by trying to have sex with him. Now, this is territory that should not have to be explained, but still people will try and cross that boundary. And no, I am not talking about rape, but your body and personal space and its boundaries still need to be respected.
For example, I do not allow women to touch my body in places that I consider to be personal. That is a HUGE no no. And they do it because they think they can, because I am gay. And that as a gay man, that will not have an effect on me, so to speak. That still does not give them or anyone else the right to touch me inappropriately. As a matter of fact, there are men that I do not wish to touch me inappropriately!
ASK me, don’t TELL me!
Seriously, one of the things that has always bugged me about some friends is when they make assumptions that I will do something for them. Rather than asking my permission, they just assume. And you know what they say about assuming things: You make an ASS – out of U – and ME! But it’s true. That is a definite huge boundary push for me. One should always ask someone’s permission rather than telling them what they are going to do!!
How do you communicate your boundaries?
Now. How to communicate said boundaries discussed above. This part is truly difficult. Just how do you let someone know that they have crossed a line? Especially if it is a family member or close friends or even your significant other.
I am curious to hear your responses in the comment section below.
But I have found the best way to handle it is to pull that person to the side and gently explain to them how you feel. Arguing about it (which is what I’ve done in the past) is definitely not the best way to handle things. And if you feel you can’t directly tell that person, try a mediator – someone who can act as a go between, particulary if it is a work situation.
In summation, I wish to add that I, too, have to be mindful of respecting others’ boundaries. I have to remember to not ask nosy questions. I am and have always butted into other people’s business by asking said nosy questions. But I have since realized that perhaps I am being intrusive and annoying. If someone wants to confide in me or tell me something, they will. I don’t even ask friends personal questions anymore unless I feel it is okay to do so.
So, set your personal boundaries with regard to your time. Your body. Your money, etc.
And if people won’t respect your boundaries, tell them to STAND BACK!!!
That’s it for now, my friends. Hang in there! Keep your chin up, and hold your heads high! You’ve got this!!!!
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