Month: December 2023

Hello, everybody!

Welcome back to another trip down Derek’s warped memory lane.

I started all of this actually back on Halloween, talking about one of my “men.” Then I decided to turn it into a full-blown three-part series. Here is Part 1, which discusses men from my time in North Carolina. Check it out!

The Derek Chase – Part 1

And Part 2 picks up in Atlanta.

The Derek Chase – Part 2

This third and final part is the wrap-up. And believe me, there could be up to, and possibly over, 10 parts to my chasing after these bozos. 😁😂

So, why am I coming forward with all of this? Why am I putting myself out there? Because, it was certainly a lesson learned. For one, sure go after what you want. BUT, don’t make a fool of yourself over someone who doesn’t return the sentiment or the feelings.

And why on Earth did I do these things? I think part of it was the excitement of the chase. And also when I first came out, I thought I HAD to have a man. And I also thought it would be pretty easy to get one.

I felt I needed a man to “complete” me. Society says you’re not complete unless you have someone. After all, people congratulate you for being coupled, yet they do not congratulate you for being single and being able to stand on your own. They think being alone signifies weakness and that NOBODY wants you. However, if you are coupled, married, partnered, etc. you must truly be something special. 

The chasing was new and exciting and adventurous and, quite honestly, FUN! Even if it didn’t get me anywhere.

Plus I’m a Taurus with his Venus in Cancer and Moon in Leo. ☺❤ In a nutshell, that means I am super romantic. Or super foolish! 🤣😂 

And to be honest, I went after these guys because I was horny! 🤣😂😂 And also, I was a little cocky, thinking I was hot stuff back then. So, I strutted my stuff! 😂🤣

Speaking of, reminds me of how I used to wear the tightest T-shirts and shorts during the summertime, especially when I was after Mr. Enzor. 

And just a reminder of what I was up against with Charles, the photo above of Sam Elliot. Because, again, Charles was the SPITTING IMAGE of Sam back then!! WOOF!! 

Perhaps I wanted a father figure since mine was/is no good.

Or I was needy and lonely and needed someone to fill that void.

Perhaps it was my childhood. Oh hell! How the hell would I know?? 😂🤣

Or perhaps it was all of the above.

Let’s start with childhood, the potential root of it all.

I know, I know. EVERYTHING starts in childhood. It’s your childhood’s fault. Better yet, it’s your parents’ fault or grandparents’ fault or your caregivers’ fault, whomever raised you.

In my case, it was my grandparents and aunt. I am not BLAMING them, per se. However, I will say this, there was a void there growing up. I received all the toys and trinkets and trips and instruments and parties and compliments, etc. But when I look back upon it, there was something sinister and mean going on in that house. And I didn’t know it at the time, but it was my grandfather’s affairs that contributed to the toxicity and dysfunction of the Ratliff household.

The household was very angry at times.

The condescension towards me was mindboggling.

One of my grandmother’s fave phrases to me: “I’m sick of you! I wish ya mama and daddy would come get you!”

One of my grandfather’s fave phrases to me: “You’re gonna grow up to be sorry!” (meaning lazy and good for nothing.)

And my aunt would call me names, such as longhead. And she slapped me on occasion for being “mouthy.”

So, yes, some of this robbed me of my self-esteem. And yes, sometimes I felt unsure of myself and my place there in Wadesboro.

Now, I never felt unsafe. I just felt I couldn’t express myself. 

And let’s not forget the bullying at school.  

Later I (and underline I) became angry and bitter. In other words, I began emulating what I saw at 1002 Montgomery Street – my former home.

I became vengeful, starting in high school.

Sidebar to myself: But Derek, I think you loved as much as you could and were capable of, considering your upbringing and what you saw. I thought what I witnessed at 1002 Montgomery Street, i.e. my grandmother and grandfather fighting and arguing constantly was what it meant to be in a relationship.

And when I grew up and came out, I needed to be NEEDED. To be wanted. I needed someone to SAVE ME! To REALLY and TRULY accept me and tell me that I was okay, that I was worthy.

You see, these men were SUPPOSED to do that for me. Fix me and make me lovable and all right. And that just cannot be.

It’s not THEIR fault. They weren’t there at 1002. And they cannot “fix me.” Nobody can.

And no, I am not saying the typical things that one would say in these situations, you know the classic, textbook reasons for not loving yourself and doing destructive things in relationships. It really is true, as I reexamine myself under my Derek microscope.

There was an emptiness in me throughout all of the chasing, the foolishness and the craziness. Again, perhaps it sounds cliche, BUT there is SO much truth to it. I didn’t know who I was back then. And as a matter of fact, as I write this and reread it, I do not even recognize this person I am writing about. It literally is as if this is someone else’s story, someone else’s drama. But yep, it’s mine. 

When I think back to what I put myself through, what I put these men through – it makes me sad. It sickens me, actually. 

I wanted them to Stay by Me throughout my mania. 

When I didn’t get what I wanted from them, I became angry and destructive. I did and said terrible things to them. I acted out like an angry, spoiled child. And deep down inside, I was SCREAMING “why don’t you love me???? Why can’t you fix me??? Why can’t you tell me I’m okay???”

It was pathetic.

I guess I didn’t love myself much back then. But also, I was so used to following behind Teresa and Bob Mills. And you see how that turned out! 

I not only expected someone to fix me, but to heal me, too.

And now I know why I’m writing this. For deeper healing and understanding of myself.

And finally move on from all this. To finally move on from the neediness and the emptiness.

And to Go Solo, if necessary.

And to hopefully help someone else understand THEMSELVES!

But I know this now, for God’s sake, DON’T EVER chase after a man who is unavailable!! In any way, shape, or hot male form! 🤣

Now, I don’t chase after any gotdamn body! Let them chase after me for a change! I am sick and tired of this whole BS!

And if they don’t, I am totally fine with that. I wasted SOOOOOO much time with these jokers and tokers. No more. Let everyone else have all the relationship fun. And no, this ain’t bitterness. This is self-realization: These men were not good for me or my mental health!!! 

I am doing what I should have done a long time ago: Stick to my work, my passions, my gay-rear – er career. 😂🤣😃

And I most certainly should have listened to Charles B. E. and “keep it light and airy.” Le sigh. 

But as they say, lesson learned. And it is never too late to learn. 

Remember: Don’t make a fool of yourself and chase after someone who doesn’t return the sentiment or the feelings.

That’s it for now. But before you depart, please check out my new website, The Derek Store. I’ve got goodies! 😊😂

Home

This is my final post for the year. I want to wish everyone a SEASON’S GREETINGS, et al of whatever you celebrate during this time, if anything. Please be safe and mentally well, and I shall see you in New Year 2024! New posts starting back in January! So, see ya then! 

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Atlanta and beyond!

All righty! Welcome back to Part 2 of a three-part series (truthfully, it could be longer!) on me and the men I chased after. Check out Part 1 below in case you missed it from last week:

The Derek Chase – Part 1

Okay, up next – The Israeli Chase. Then I took up with Ariel following the Darrell Debacle. And yes, he is from Israel, and yes, he is Jewish. And Ariel is also 10 years older than I.

And let’s just say his wife got in the way there.

All right, time to unpack that storyline a bit. Before I even arrived in Atlanta, I said that I wanted to experience what it would be like to be with a married man, just like my old pal Teresa. Monkey see, monkey do, I guess.

And the universe listened. Because no sooner had I landed in the ATL in July of 1993, I met Ariel on September 10, 1993, at the then Burkhart’s. He was short, stocky – sort of muscly, dark-haired and sexy. I believe that night he was wearing a red shirt and very tight jeans, that clung to his… assets. His shirt was open, and I noticed that he was wearing The Star of David. And I immediately realized that he was a Jewish guy.

We kept cruising each other. At one point in the eve, he was coming up the side stairs by the entrance, and I was going down. I always say we met when he was going up the stairs, and I was going down the stairs. And we constantly cruised each other on our particular trajectories.

I decided to go back up, and that is when we met, essentially near the steps. We conversed and got the intros out of the way. And the next thing I knew, we were outside on the back deck and in a corner where we made out!!!

Now, he claims he ejaculated in his jeans, and I suppose I should be flattered. But when he gave me his phone number, I noticed that it had an extension. He claimed this was his home number, and I thought right away – married. I was pretty savvy, I guess, for someone who was only 26 at the time. Ariel was 36.

After all this, I drove back to Austell, which is where I was living at the time. I looked him up in the phonebook, I think, because that is the only way I can remember that I got his home number, because he also gave me his last name. He answered, and the next thing I knew, I was going to Alpharetta, which is where he lived, way back then, at Neely Farms. I was only wearing my father’s leather coat, with NOTHING else underneath. Dang! That leather coat saw a great deal of action back then!! 😁🤣😂

I arrived at Neely Farms in the wee hours of the morn. He let me in. And he took me upstairs to his bedroom, the same one he shared with his wife. I know, I’m a slut. So, sue me.

It was then that I realized that he was definitely married, and he informed me that his wife and two CHILDREN were out of town!!! Which explained why he was out on a Friday night at a gay bar!! Oh my God!!

But I did it just the same, as we had sex in their bed. 😱

From that moment on, the chase was on. I wanted him. I couldn’t get enough of him. We spent as much time together as humanly possible, CONSIDERING!

I eventually met his wife and two children, a boy and a girl. As a matter of fact, I even went to a Yes concert with them and two other couples. I also went to the movies with him AND his wife!

I taught his daughter SAXOPHONE lessons!

I had dinner at THEIR HOUSE!

Heck, in 1994, I even moved to Alpharetta to be near him!!!

We would go walking together in the evenings.

And get this: My family even met him one Thanksgiving!!! He came over and met my mother, father, brother, aunt, grandfather and grandmother!! 😱 I told them that he was just a friend. 😂😂🤣

Remember that song? He’s just a friend? No? Well, anyway…

With us being closer, we had as much sex as we possibly could!!!

I actually owe my start in acting here in Atlanta because of him, because he somehow managed to get a part – as a background extra – in a movie, Andersonville, starring Fredric Forrest.

It was muddy and hot and grueling, but I LOVED it!! Ariel HATED it!! We were scheduled for two days. He didn’t go back, but I did all by myself! Wayyyyyy out in Griffin, GA, too!

Though I give Ariel credit for starting my acting career, he certainly was not good for my overall mental health. You see, my alters began reappearing, just like with Darrell back in North Carolina.

Ariel would CONSTANTLY talk about his wife. And I told him REPEATEDLY not to do that.

Ariel also told me the story about how when one of his brothers was killed in Israel, he ended up having a brief affair with his sister-in-law!!!

This occurred when he went back to Israel for the funeral.

And he described in excruciating detail how they made love and where they made love, the entire time he was there. Of particular odd note, was his narrative of them fucking on a huge rock in the middle of nowhere!!

Hearing about this would cause me to turn into my slutty alter, Nick Montraire!! And as Nick, I would go out and cheat on Ariel!!!! 

And there is one particular event that occurred one Saturday when Ariel asked me to tag along with him to meet a friend, aka former trick of his, at Hartsfield. This guy was making a stopover in the ATL, and wanted to see Ariel. As a matter of fact, I don’t know if Ariel actually asked me to come along or I forced my company that day. Because I was very jealous, and I wanted to check things out for myself. Either way, I SHOULD not have gone.

First of all, this guy, whose name I have absolutely forgotten after all these decades, was a psychiatrist, who Ariel had previously seen professionally to sort out his homosexuality. Oh give me a break!! And they ended up having an affair!!! Quelle Surprise!

Yet another one of Ariel’s former loves. As if dealing with Yossi, his Israeli friend who would ALWAYS speak only Hebrew in front of me with Ariel, wasn’t bad enough!!! And this Yossi also told me on more than one occasion that he could have Ariel ANY TIME he wanted! You see, Ariel encouraged Yossi and I to be “friends.” But I NEVER trusted that little bitch.

And dealing with Yossi was NOT good for my mental health either. 

But I digress, as that is another disgusting tale.

At any rate, during my little excursion with Ariel on the way to the airport, I could feel the anger bubbling up in my throat like volcanic ash. I knew trouble was brewing when I could feel myself slowly but surely turning into first Daryl Lord and then Terence. I believe Guillaume even emerged on I-85, and Ariel, I am quite sure, didn’t know what was happening. Or what to make of my very strange behaviour.

We arrived at the airport and met the friend, and I was God knows who at this point. During the lunch, I sort of disappeared. Or one of us did anyway. It was under the guise of using the restroom, except I never returned. At one point, I remember Guillaume reemerging, and since he is actually British (French name, English personality – go figure!), he was considering taking a flight to the U.K.!!

Then Daryl emerged and decided to get a drink at one of the numerous airport bars. And my absence was so extended, that Ariel had to have me paged! Ha!

But when Ariel FINALLY caught up with me, he wasn’t meeting me, but Daryl Lord!!! Daryl was more than a bit obnoxious and playful, except in an extremely rude way, of course.

As we were exiting the airport, it got very ugly. Ariel was lambasting me over not only my strange behavior, but my rudeness towards his friend and my abrupt exit.

Daryl didn’t care. So, he grabbed Ariel’s expensive sunglasses, tossed them up in the air, and let them hit the ground!!!

Needless to say, they shattered into a million pieces!! Ariel was mortified!! So, he grabbed mine, and broke them!

Needless to say, that didn’t go over very well. So, my violent alter Dirk, came out, and proceeded to beat the hell outta Ariel!!! Right there in front of God and everyone!! Including the cops!

By this time, Derek came back and was mortified by what Dirk had done!!

The cops didn’t arrest me, thanks to Ariel. However, I had to hear about it on the ride back to Alpharetta! Ariel was screaming at me, as I leaned forward with the tears (and the apologies) rolling out in a confused and embarrassed torrent of sorrow and despair.

He dropped me off at my apartment, saying that he NEVER wanted to see me again! It was a bit later I realized that in my violent outburst and thrashing, I also had torn off his Star of David. Oy!

I spent the rest of the day and night in bed. I think we were supposed to do something together that night. Needless to say, THAT didn’t happen.

Morning came and I was still in bed, curled up in a fetal position. I heard the key in the lock (yes, he had a key to my apartment). It was Ariel, of course. He felt sorry for me, and made me get out of bed.

All I could do was apologize profusely, saying it would never happen again. And it didn’t.

I asked, no BEGGED for forgiveness, which he gave me. He made me shower, put my clothes on and join him and his little boy for ice cream, which I did.

So, we made up. We had sex. And things went on like they never happened.

And to this day, I am so ashamed over what I did to him.

And to this day, whenever I’ve seen him since and apologize for it again, he always tells me that he chooses to remember our happy times together, not the bad.

But I had to realize that I had a problem.

Following the Israeli Chase, there was the Javier Chase.

This occurred in a slight overlap as things were ending with Ariel, in December of 1995.

As a matter of fact, I distinctly remember NEVER telling one about the other. And to be quite frank, following Ariel, I had decided that I was done with men. And that’s when Javier appeared!

But let’s go deeper with Javier. Ah yes, the dreaded Javier story. I’ve already written about that. So, I am just going to post the link to that here.

The Javier/Jorge Christmas Story

After Javier, there was someone whom shall remain nameless since we are friends on Facebook. ROTFL! Gee, let’s see if he can figure it out if he ever reads this. 😂🤣😃😄

We’ll just call it the Post-Javier Chase:

Anyhoo, I wanted this guy DESPERATELY! Oh, Derek, as if you didn’t want the others DESPERATELY! 😂 This was back in the late 90s, probably starting around 1997. This guy was so handsome back then. Dark hair, like I like ’em. I availed myself to him (not that way), but I did everything I could to be near him (just like Phil, Charlie, and all the others before him). We hung out a lot together within the same friends’ group. There were a great deal of bar nights and dinners and restaurants and parties. But nothing happened. I guess he just didn’t get the hint. Or I was just too afraid to be rejected again to give him a hint. Fear of rejection, thanks to Phil. 🤔

After awhile, he disappeared. Turns out he moved away to California.

And then over a decade later, he returned. Around 2019, I went to a trivia night at Woof’s, and there he was. I was sort of shocked to see him. Afterwards, a couple of years into the pandemic, we started reconnecting and hanging out again, going to restaurants, seeing each other at the Whoreaway – er the now-defunct Hideaway.

There were even phone calls.

Also, I brought up the attraction I felt for him during the late 90s. Turns out he felt the same way!! 😱 I guess we were both too afraid to admit then. Oh well.

Then all the hanging out, et al, stopped this year, for whatever reason. And this time I say, go away. And stay away.

Next: The KF Chase. Initials to protect the not-so innocent. 😃

I believe we met at Oscar’s in 2002, during a most horrible time in my life.

He was my type.

He was sexy.

Short, a bit stocky, dark-haired.

(See a pattern here?? Hmmm Darrell? Especially Ariel? Perhaps Javier?)

Anyway, KF had those sexy, deep-set eyes, like Robert De Niro. A real man’s man. He claimed to be bisexual. Yeah. Right.

But he played a lot of Guessing Games.

He expressed interest.

• We went out a couple of times. He was fun.
• But then it turned into this back and forth.
• He escorted me to one of my many birthday celebrations back in the day, and admitted in front of God and everyone at the table, where we were having dinner (and it had to be over 20 people there), that he used to be a hustler. And that he had also contracted THREE venereal diseases! 🫨😱
• I chased after him mercilessly, even after all that.
• He wanted to have sex with one of my very best friends (male) on a tennis court while I watched.
• We all later found out that he had slept with half of the gay male population of Atlanta! So, many guys came forward and admitted that they had slept with him! Even my writing partner at the time was shocked to learn that HIS boyfriend had also slept with KF. I was shocked, too. But I suppose I shouldn’t have been.
• And I was SO jealous over hearing that!
• I believe it was around Christmas 2010, I even invited him to a holiday work party when I worked at Children’s Museum of Hell – er Atlanta. He took me, and when the party ended at 8 p.m. (don’t ask), I dropped him off at his car back at my apartment, and it was good night. AT 8 P.M.!
• He ended up going into the military and traveling overseas. And that was pretty much the end of that. Thank God.

The Colombian Chase – I met this one at the then Burkhart’s. He was short, Colombian, and had the most beautiful piercing eyes I had ever seen since Javier’s. As a matter of fact, he sorta reminded me of Javier. Except this guy’s eyes were darker and more piercing, one could even say almost devilish.

He would pop up at Burkhart’s from time to time, and eventually I introduced myself to him. HIs name was Luis, and it turned out he was a Pisces, about two years younger than I. We became friends, but it was obvious there was more there.

And yes, we did sleep together.

And things sorta took off from there. The next thing I knew I was asking him to help me move into Midtown to live with that fat bitch Tammy Faye. But that’s another story.

Anyhoo, he was kind enough to do that. From there, things just escalated. Because the next thing I knew, he was calling me up in the middle of the week, in the middle of the night to go out!!!

He LOVED to party! We went to the bars late at night. We even went to the sex club. That’s right. THE SEX CLUB!! And even though we didn’t have sex together there, he would watch me!!!! 😱😂😁

We were ALWAYS wasted!!!!! It’s a wonder I could function the next day. Fortunately, at that time, I was working full-time from home as a transcriptionist.

At some point in time, there was a crossover with Luis and KF. Actually, KF eventually went from being bareback ER BARBACK at Oscar’s to the doorman to being a bartender. (I predicted this would happen, too!) And this was during KF’s bartender phase. Whenever Luis and I would show up on a busy weekend night, because Oscar’s was ALWAYS packed on those nights, KF was generally sorta hostile to Luis. So, much so that Luis stated that KF was jealous that we were together, because KF wanted me for himself!!

And the two of them would sorta be mean to each other from that moment. So, essentially, I had two men fighting over me. 😂🤣

KF even said to me on more than one occasion that Luis was NOT good for me!!

Probably true. But I went ahead and did it just the same. 😂🤣😁

During the Christmas holidays, I got Luis turned onto Albert Finney’s Scrooge. He was always singing the song Thank You Very Much. You could tell it gave him such joy to sing that song. It made me happy to see him so happy. 🎄🎅

When we watched Scrooge together, he would come over. Take a shower. And get into bed with me. Naked. Nothing happened. I swear.

Which is ANOTHER story. You see, at some point Luis didn’t think I wanted to sleep with him or have sex with him anymore. He was a little rough that first time, and I told him so. So, we stopped having sex.

But then things grew tense between us, because we started to fall in love with each other.

And THAT became a back and forth thing, too. He said he loved me, but he was confused. He thought we should be friends. And this frustrated the hell outta me. And I guess this is when the chase truly began. And more back and forth stuff.

And some of my alters began to reappear. It was awful.

My alters would show up, and Luis would get drunk.

Together, we were really a mess!!!

We finally had a talk in my car about the whole thing, where the love was admitted, but he didn’t know if we should be lovers.

And so, I called him to my apartment, and told him I just couldn’t see him anymore.

He left, and I could tell he was very upset. I watched him through the window as he left my apartment, and I could tell he was crying.

But the separation didn’t last long!!! We made up, and we continued our toxic relationship.

This. Went. On. For. YEARS!!!

Then there was that fateful night, he called me and asked me to meet him at Oscar’s, where he admitted that he was HIV+! 😱

And then about a year after that, I got angry with him at the old B.J. Rooster’s and because of him, I got thrown out of the bar and BARRED from returning!! LOLOL But you know I came back, and they let me in. 😂🤣😂😁

But I texted him and told him to stay the hell away from me!!!!

And he did. We didn’t speak for a couple of years.

One night I ran into him at B.J.’s, and we were cordial to one another. I think he told me at that time he had a boyfriend.

But a year or so after that, he moved back to Colombia. Now, the problem with that was he was constantly telling me that if he moved back, he could be killed because of his political views. But so far, he is still alive and seems to be doing well. We are actually now friends on Facebook.

But I must say despite all the drama and the angst and the chasing, that a part of me misses him because he kept some stuff going, girl!!!

And I will also say that I can definitely see where I was at fault during the Colombian storyline. I was argumentative, needy, childish. I was a MESS!!! It’s good that we are at least FB friends.

The Chili’s Chase. Then there was this guy named Rossi when I worked at Chili’s back in 2006. Another cat and mouse game, and I was too stupid to play. Needless to say, NOTHING came of that either.

The Str8, All Chaser Chase – And then there was the time I fell for the str8 guy that I worked with, and it took me a while to figure out whether or not he was gay. And when I realized it, I STILL wanted to be close to him!!

• He flirted with me. At work. I know he did.
• He automatically started saying where he wanted to take me.
• He referred to me as his soulmate.

And that is all that I am going to say about that. For now.

As a matter of fact, this concludes Part 2. Come back next week for Part 3 as I tie all of this up!!! (But I can’t promise that the bow will be neat and tidy) tee hee.

But before you depart, please check out my new website – The Derek Store! 😁

Home

Remember, the third and final part to all of this is next week. So, stay tuned. And as always, be safe and mentally well!!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Greetings, all!

Welcome back for a never-ending, fun-filled trip into my mind! 😂

I’m going there today, not that I don’t already in my blog posts.

But I really wish to discuss and elaborate on why I have chased after men I couldn’t or SHOULDN’T have.

Warning: This post is so long that it will be in three parts!! And VERY revealing!!

And as the above song by Daryl & John states, I wanted to be One on One with my guys. However, some of them didn’t want to be One on One with me.

Anyhoo, I opened Pandora’s Box on Halloween with a post talking about the chase of one of my “men.” Please click on the banner below to get some context:

Halloween! Season of the Bitch!!!

In the above post, I discussed my 1989 infatuation with my then coworker Phil Leonard.

But today, I’m going to examine ALL of my main “men” in what I call THE DEREK CHASE!!! (kinda like the movie and TV series The Paper Chase. Get it?! Oh never mind!) 😂

Let’s go back to the beginning, shall we?

It all started in North Carolina.

Though, I have already discussed Phil, here are some highlights:

The Phil Chase – I followed him home, or at least made the attempt once. (I even got a speeding ticket after Thanksgiving 1989, rushing back from Wadesboro to Chapel Hill to see if I could follow him! Served me right!) And I did figure out where he lived, with a bit of Charlie’s Angels-like detective work and ingenuity.

I manipulated him – or tried to – on a couple of occasions. I did get him to come to my apartment to give him a Christmas present back in ’89. He showed up all right. With his dog. Woof!

I also manipulated him – or tried to anyway – to kiss me at PC on his 37th birthday in February 1990. He didn’t fall for it, though. DAMMIT! And he was very angry about it and called me out on my manipulation!

And all I really wanted was for him to take me to his heart. ❤️😓😁

Dave and Annie wrote a song about it. Check it out!

I did everything and pulled every trick in the book to get next to him. I played every love song that was popular back then, fantasizing about him being my lover. Particularly this one:

Because to me, he WAS my everything! That’s just how sick, twisted and deluded I was. And I can say that now.

The Charles Chase – But moving on. I have already discussed Charles Enzor, as well.

But here are some highlights:

I had more success with Charles, because he DID return my attraction. We used to dance together at both PC and CC – Capital Corral in Raleigh – both to the fast AND the slow stuff. And he did NOT hesitate for a moment to do either!

As a matter of fact, one of my fave slow dances with him was Sinead O’Connor’s version of the Prince song Nothing Compares to U. Rest in peace, Sinead. 😥

Because NOTHING compared to him. I mean, the man was the epitome of the Marlboro Man. He was the spitting image of Sam Elliott!

We used to close down both PC and CC, and he generally always walked me to my car, which always ended in a very steamy kiss. WOOF!! (I actually learned the term woof from him, which is now used rather extensively in the gay world!)

I tried to get him to come over, too, but it never happened.

I also called him – LOTS!

And I even figured out where he worked, passing by it as often as I could. So, I guess a bit of stalking on my part. I just never had the nerve to go in. He worked with his lover/roommate/best friend/whatever label Charles gave this guy (because it seemed to change every time I saw him). It was an art restoration and gallery.

There was a sort of sad, major climax to this tale, though.

There was that horrible night when I saw him around Christmastime, 1990. I hadn’t seen him in a while. And when I caught a glimpse of him, he had lost a great deal of weight. He was so emaciated and bone thin. So, I knew what the deal was: I realized that he had contracted the AIDs virus.

We did talk that night, but he did not confirm my suspicions of his illness. And yes, we danced, et al, like nothing had ever happened.

However, I spent the next day on my couch in tears!!

We continued to meet up with each other at the bars, until the Darrell Chase in 1991, which is coming up.

Later, I moved to Atlanta in ’93, and I NEVER told him I left. I don’t know why. And then on a return trip to N.C., and to CC (and with my Israeli Chase – whom you’ll meet in this story), I was told that he passed away. And I have lived with the guilt and the regret of all that ever since… 😓

But then there was Darrell Mitchell, who was a whole other story.

The Darrell Chase – My relationship with Darrell can be summed up with the above song by Eurythmics – Put The Blame On Me. Because everything was MY fault, according to Darrell.

However, there is much more to it than what the lyrics convey, but there is that one line that DEFINITELY nails it – “Where are you tonight? Are you sleeping on your own? I need to know where you are tonight. Are you sleeping on your very own? Tell the one that’s lying with you, to get right up and go back home.”

Yeah, I could have easily said this to Darrell. As a matter of fact, knowing me, I probably did. So, draw your own conclusions from those lines what you will. 🤔🤔🤔

At any rate, Darrell was my first OFFICIAL lover. I was around 24 at the time. He was 37. We met in 1991, somewhere sort of in the middle of the Charles storyline. And yes, we met at the very electric Power Company. 😂 As I’ve said before, it was my home away from home back in the day.

I first saw Darrell at the very-well lit end of the bar at PC. There was the whole cruising each other, at first, to gauge interest. The locking of the eyes and then looking away, and looking again to make sure there WAS interest. Then the actual meeting, followed by the light banter. And I think I asked him out to lunch or something like that, upon which he wrote on a napkin “let’s,” along with his phone number.

Yeah. That’s how we met and got each other’s phone numbers back during the Stone Ages! 😁😊😂🤣

We fooled around on our first date. And to cut to the chase, I technically lost my virginity to him on our 2nd date, in which he violated me. And for now, we will just leave it at that. Again, draw your own conclusions. 🤔

From then on, our sex life consisted of me asking – no BEGGING – him to wear a condom, which he consistently refused!! I don’t know, there was this thing going on at the time killing gay men, called the AIDS crisis. 🤔

He did acquiesce, but stupidly used Vaseline as a lubricant, which of course can cause a condom to rupture. And it did, which further sent me into panic mode!

And on top of that, he would forever talk about his exes, especially this drug-addicted, jailbird named Everette. He would tell me on more than one occasion that Everette was better built and better looking than both of us.

He also BRAGGED about having an affair with one of his UNDERAGE male students!!!

Whenever we were out, he would look at other men, and make the most disgusting and lurid remarks about them.

Because of his abuse (okay and my own STUFF), I splintered off from myself. By now, it is no secret that I called myself Daryl & Company back then. And as my other selves, I did some TERRIBLE things and said some TERRIBLE things to Darrell. And I own that now.

(Ironic that I called one of my alters Daryl and I was dating a Darrell, different spellings). Haha!

Being sort of religious – HA! – Darrell would call me “legion” from the Bible, because there were many (of me, so to speak). Hey! I only had three back then, as opposed to 13 now! 😁😂🤣

As a matter of fact, when I found out Darrell cheated on me (I found a letter from a Willie Terrell in Atlanta), I turned into Terrible Terence and plotted to drug him, tape record him and get him fired from his choral teaching job!!! 😱🫨

I didn’t follow through with it, thankfully.

Yet, I stayed. After the psychological, sexual and emotional abuse, and the cheating, I. Stayed. And I actually never STRAYED, oddly enough. And I definitely had plenty of offers back then.

We actually broke up towards the tale end of 1991. He sent me a Dear Derek letter. 🤣😂😂 He said he just couldn’t take it anymore. Whatever.

And that should have been the end of it. But it wasn’t. Because in early 1992, we reconciled. As a matter of fact, he contacted me. Nothing much had changed. Eventually, we fell back into the same old habits.

It was the summer of 1992 when things sort of came to a head, so to speak. An unbelievable denouement.

Darrell got a teaching job in Atlanta, where this Willie Terrell person lived. But before he left, he told me he got tested for HIV!! He was very romantic and loving, and we made love one last time. I say made love, because it was the most tender and loving I had EVER seen Darrell!!

Then he moved. And it was Over. Or was it???

Then I got the call from the Durham Health Department that someone I had recently slept with tested positive for HIV.

Well, who the hell else could it have been but Darrell????

I called him in Atlanta and confronted him about it, and he lied saying it wasn’t him. He didn’t have it. LIAR!!!!!

I went through (more) HELL because of him!!

After NUMEROUS tests, fortunately I didn’t have it. And I have NEVER contracted it, THANK GOD!

The Elliot Chase – But let’s skip over Darrell and move onto John Elliot. I tried to get close to him, but let’s just say his dog wouldn’t let that happen.

He was a professor at Duke, and for the life of me I don’t remember what he taught.

He was rather short, bearded, and his house was like a museum! And he talked about his ex, too, a Dante, who he would drone on and on about how this Dante cheated on him! Oh brother.

But are you bitches ready for this????? Apparently, Darrell and Elliot shared the same man – EVERETTE!! Well, not at the same time. But in discussing Darrell, of course, I brought up this Everette. And that is when Elliot dropped a bomb on me, by saying he, too, had been with Everette!!! As a matter of fact, I remember when Elliot told me that he once visited Everette in jail for drug possession, and he was in shackles!!!!

Oh boy, I can sure pick ’em!!

I decided in the summer of 1992 to fly to the Bahamas. WITHOUT Elliot. I don’t think he liked that. And we broke up afterwards. Oh. Well.

Then in July 1993, I moved to Atlanta, yes, where Darrell was also living!!

I ran into him, once back in ’93, at the then Burkhart’s. (Too bad I wasn’t in my car! Hahaha! My little joke 😂) And he acted as if nothing had happened!! And I kept my mouth shut when I shouldn’t have. And he touched me, and it absolutely made my skin crawl and cringe upon itself.

Fast forward to Valentine’s night 2001 – I found out on a date with another guy that someone had shot him in the face and killed him outside a gay bar in Augusta, GA. I read about this in The Southern Voice. Oh. Well.

That’s it, kiddies!

But before you go, check out my new website and business venture – The Derek Store!

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Come back next week when we take this journey into Atlanta! You won’t want to miss Part 2! Until then and as always, please be safe and mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).