Month: April 2024

Hello again, my dear friends and readers! Welcome back!

Being an adult can truly be a challenge. Duh! I sorta wrote about this before, in my “Being an Adult (Really Sucks)” post. Please see below:

Being an Adult (Really SUCKS)!

Being a child was not the easiest either. However, there were no bills to pay. No responsibilities except for getting your homework done. And for me, practicing the trumpet. Oh and going to church. LOLOL

But now it is such a chore, bore, and a snore to be an adult, with all of the bills and the taxes and the responsibilities and the trying to get a job and keeping a job, etc., etc. etc.

However, I really want to go underneath the surface of my feelings surrounding being an adult who is now in their – GULP – late 50s!!

Now, I honestly feel very tired as a grownup. I feel everyday has turned into a hamster wheel of the same-old TIRED routine.

I eat the same TIRED food.

I see the same TIRED faces. 😁

I do the same TIRED things.

You get the picture.

And I am sure some of you are saying, “well, perhaps you need to change things up a bit.” “It is up to you to make your life more exciting.”

And you would be correct.

But perhaps the biggest dread of being an adult is our MORTALITY!

Getting older means you are closer to the grave.

Of course, we are all going to die someday. The thing that I have always found distressing is we don’t know the time or the day or the when or the how. I mean, if we came to this world knowing all of that, would we do things differently?

I don’t want this to turn into a post about death, because that is not what I’m really driving at here. It’s just the blah (and anxiety) of adulthood. And that certainly includes dying one day.

And then there is the sheer heaviness of it all, which can be so mentally draining.

There have been times when I have felt unsure, lost and very disconnected from my body. From my life. And just out of place. And disconnected from reality and people. I have felt just weird and strange.

I don’t believe this is depression, because I suppose I refuse to believe that I am depressed. However, this feeling that I have experienced before, I wasn’t sure what to call it until now, the existential dread of being an adult. 😂😂😂

Because I think there is a lot of heaviness, anxiety, and disappointment surrounding adulthood, too.

Sometimes I have felt like a heavy boulder was weighing me down. But why? Is it because I think something is missing in my life?

And this is also where my age comes into play.

I am now 56 years young. And at this stage:

1. I ain’t got no man.
2. I ain’t got no money.
3. I ain’t got no career. 😂🤣

So, I am grappling with all of that, too.

Again, there is the pressure to succeed, to pay the bills, to pay the rent, to keep gas in the car, food on the table – you know, all the shit I described in my previous post on how being an adult really sucks.

But it is also the fact that I don’t have all of the things in my life that I feel I deserve. Yes. DESERVE!! Those items that I listed above.

And it is awful to feel as if you are stuck in mud or trying to pull yourself out of quicksand, and that you don’t have in your life what you truly want.

One of the ways that I have dealt with this feeling, this existential dread is by affirmations. That’s right. You have to be living under a rock if you haven’t heard of affirmations by now. Affirmations or the state of affirming what you want or have, is when you tell yourself POSITIVE things. For example, I used to feel that I couldn’t accomplish something I want, I now tell myself that I can. And I am. I tell myself on a daily basis that I feel good, that I am happy, that I am living in the present moment, that I can handle what comes my way.

This has certainly helped me with that heaviness, that dreaded feeling, the existential dread of being an adult with all of the responsibilities, etc.

And I now just won’t allow life or life circumstances drag me back into that feeling of being stuck in mud. Heck no!

Please check out what I have for you at the Derek Store before exiting!

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Thank you so much for stopping by. Please return next week when I finally just come out and admit that I am nothing but a miserable, old prissy Queen!! 😂🤣🤣 And much like Freida Claxton from Golden Girls! 😁😉

So, until then, please be safe and MENTALLY WELL!!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Welcome back, my dearest friends!! Spring has really sprung, and I couldn’t be happier! 🌿🪴😁

Anyway, I am going to keep this post short and sweet (yeah right) and light and airy. I want to talk about what writing means to me, and how it helps my mental health.

I don’t know if it is the clickety clack of the keyboard as I type, or putting my thoughts down in written form, or creating horrid situations for my most beloved characters – but I TRULY LOVE and ENJOY writing!!!

I honestly cannot stop writing. It has become such a regular part of my life, my routine, my existence. That to suddenly stop would be strange and leave me feeling empty.

I am most certainly not the best at it, but I feel this power in creating. I feel that since I cannot control everything that happens in my life, I can at least control what happens in the lives of my characters.

I rather enjoy putting things and people and places together and seeing the outcome.

And one thriller screenplay, one horror screenplay, one TV series, and an entire miniseries later! 😁🤣😂❤️ And I cannot forget my blog, of course, which has now entered its FOURTH YEAR!!

Writing has definitely helped my fragile mental health. I can pour out my strongest feelings in the written word, especially when it comes to my blog. I can tell the world how I REALLY feel WITHOUT judgment. I can call out people and institutions that I find rather distasteful. I can call out actions of others that I find deplorable. I can vent about the current world we are living in. And it is truly freeing!

I can even reexamine my past through a (hopefully) more mature and adult lens.

And all of this indeed helps my mind and my attitude.

Improvements in mental health, et al

I feel better about myself after a really good writing session. I feel accomplished and worthy. My writing even lowers my stress. After all, I can kill people in a script and get away with it. 🤣😂

I even think writing helps to raise my confidence, especially when I share it with the world. So, this is where the blog comes in.

I have been told by people that they ACTUALLY have read and like some of my blog posts. I even had a friend and coworker tell me that one post was spot on of what was going on in her life. She said it resonated with her so strongly that she had her husband read it!! POWERFUL!!

I think because of this ongoing blog and my children’s book, I now have the courage to showcase my writing to the world. So, this summer, I intend to start submitting my screenplays to contests! Stay tuned…

The Pen is Mightier… And All That

I enjoy writing so much, that I still write in hand with my trusty pen. For example, I STILL keep an Oprah-style gratitude journal, and I have been journaling steadily for over 23 years now!! And boy have I documented some shite! 🤣🤔😉

I find such joy in detailing my day to day life in those journals. I have now amassed several for each year, documenting not only my five – actually now 10 things – I am grateful for, but I also document what happens in my life.

And sometimes I enjoy returning to the past and seeing and remembering what I was up to back in the day by going back and rereading old journals! Ooooo and my eyes sure do burn from reliving my antics! 🤣 One of these days I am just going to pour a really good stiff drink 🍹🍸, and have a great time reminiscing over all of those fond – and some not-so-fond – memories.

In summation, I am most certainly going to keep writing, whether it’s my journal, my blog, my screenplays, TV series or miniseries. Viva my writing!!

Now, you know you don’t wanna split until you’ve visited the Derek Store to see what new goodies I have for y’all! 😂

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So, that’s it. Short and sweet and light and airy, as promised. 😉😁Please come back next week when I go hard and heavy on the existential dread of being an adult. Don’t miss this one either!! Until then, please stay safe, and as always, MENTALLY WELL!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Hello, everyone! Welcome back to another round of putting that mental imbalance in check! LOL

It is no secret that I definitely have the weirdest of dreams. Even I wake up sometimes thinking ‘now where did THAT come from?’

So, I will try to remember some of the craziest in the last month or so. And I know. I know. I should be writing these down. But I do have a pretty good memory for my dreams, whereas others do not.

First, I am going to tell each dream. And then after the list, I am going to give my analysis of each. Just let the titles be your guide

Derek Gives Birth!

The most recent was me giving birth or rather, me having a child. It was a male infant, who suddenly became a teenager. My Mississippi family, my mother’s fam, were featured prominently in the dream. I recall my cousin Michelle and her mother/my Aunt Edna being there. I think my mother was there, too. We were in a house, but I’m not sure where. Anyway, my teen son confronted me and told me in no uncertain terms that I did not want him. Whoa! Plus, the father was nowhere in sight.

2632 Georgia Avenue

I am not sure if the baby dream was the same night as the following, but I dreamt that I was back in my old apartment in Washington, D.C., 2632 Georgia Avenue, which is now a nightclub. 🍸🍹😂 Fitting. 😂 My parents were there, too. I don’t believe I was a child, though. The most telling part of the dream was that the entire apartment was empty, yet we seemed to be living there. And I got the impression we were poor.

The Scary Old Mansion

Every now and then, I will have this dream where I am in a huge, old house, which is like a mansion. I seem to know all of the rooms, and the house seems to go on forever. The other interesting thing about this house is the backyard, which seems to be unkempt and even deadly. Yes. Deadly. It is quite vast, and there are lots and lots of bugs back there, especially flying insects, including bees. There are these statues that are very old. I want to say there is a huge chasm in the ground that is very wide. I recall lots of vines surrounding the house. But the most telling, again, is that backyard, which is so terrifying.

1002 Montgomery Street Revisited

Now, speaking of houses, I must mention that I STILL dream about the house I was raised in, the one and only 1002 Montgomery Street in Wadesboro, N.C. (that my father sold out from under my aunt). Yeah. I said it. In my dreams, the house takes on sometimes frightening dimensions, especially the exterior. The most recent dream I had was going out my front door, which now seems to mostly be at night. And it’s almost as if the house is trying to keep me inside of it. OR I am not supposed to go outside, because there is sometimes this forcefield that keeps me from opening the door. And when I am able to open the door, there are these deadly plants that almost prevent me from leaving the front porch. In this last dream, it was a huge Venus Flytrap, with VERY sharp teeth. (Can we say Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors – “FEED ME, SEYMOUR!” — Yes, and I played the plant voice in a stage production wayyyyy back in the day!!!) But I digress. I was able to stay out of its way. And sometimes when I am able to make it to the road, and let’s say I try to go down the road, there are these plants or trees that impede me. And this is even in the daylight. It is not always like this, but beforehand when I dream about the house or in particular the street itself, I was always able to go up or down it with no problems. But it seems that now when I dream about the street, I am impeded in some horrible way. Oh and there is always this feeling that I am trying to escape…

Back to UNC!

Ah yes! The Carolina dreams! I used to dream a lot about being back in low school. Well, you know it as HIGH SCHOOL. But now I am dreaming more and more about my time at Carolina. I think the most telling part of my Carolina dreams are that I am definitely back in school, and I am trying very hard to attend my classes. BUT I don’t always seem to make it in time or I miss all together. In my dreams, I keep telling myself that I am going to study harder and do better, and I feel like I am doing much better, yet I feel like I have missed too many classes, and I am going to fail. The other telling part of the dream is my change in residence. One minute I am in a dorm. The next minute I am in an apartment. And it also appears that I have been staying more at the apartment than the dorm, and that a lot of my stuff is still back in the dorm! I return thinking my stuff has been thrown out, but it’s still there, but sometimes in another dorm room. Another interesting part of the Carolina dreams are the structure of the class buildings. They suddenly turn into something straight out of Ancient Rome LOL It’s like I am back in Europe, but very lost trying to get to class, which I never make. Also, there is a carnival-like atmosphere to the Carolina campus, filled with fun rides and lots and lots of food stands, oh and even rollercoasters!

Derek, Let Your Hair Grow

My hair dreams. Okay. For those of you who know me personally, you know my hair is normally short and cut close. However, right now my hair is much longer. Normally, I do not let it get to this point. As a matter of fact, I sometimes refer to it as my pandemic hair. 😂😀 The reason I decided to let it grow out is in protest of the fluctuating SUPPOSEDLY colder, “winter” temperatures. I do plan to get it cut, as soon as the weather decides it wishes to be warm FOR REAL! But I digress. In my hair dreams, my hair is MUCH longer, down to my shoulders and almost down my back and to my butt! And more often than not, I am female! Truthfully, I have always wanted long hair. When I was a kid, I used to put a towel on my head, walk around the house, and say I was a “Girl! Girl! Girl!” I know I mentioned that in an earlier post. Needless to say, my grandmother and aunt didn’t like it. Oh. Well.

The Mystery of the Twisted, Weird Staircase (That Goes Nowhere)

I often dream about stairs. Sometimes they are going up. And sometimes they are going down. And sometimes they just don’t lead ANYWHERE! And sometimes they are not even connected, to the point where it is nearly impossible to climb up or down! So, strange!

2632 Georgia Avenue Take 2

I have already mentioned 2632 Georgia Avenue in Washington, D.C. However, I need mention it again, the recurring part of it. I STILL dream about that place, and trying to leave mostly. More often than not, I am walking down those steep red steps. Sometimes I am running away from something or at least I feel like I am. (When I lived there, dreaming about that damn dresser drawer in the living room where I slept coming to life to get me is reason enough to try and escape!!) In the dreams, it is mostly nighttime. However, sometimes they are in the daytime. And I am quite often either trying to go down Georgia Avenue or go up Georgia Avenue. And it is as if I cannot go but so far in either direction.

D.C. on My Mind

And speaking of D.C., I have noticed that the D.C. dreams don’t always start in the old apartment. Sometimes, I am way up Georgia Avenue and I am trying to get back to the apartment. Or I am way down Georgia Ave. trying to return 2632. Or it’s night, and I am lost somewhere in D.C. and I am trying to get to my parents’ current house. These dreams normally take place at night. Sometimes I am successful in finding my way back (considering I have the worst sense of direction in the world), but more often than not, I am not able to get back there.

Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! SEX!!!

Well, I may as well go there and mention the sex dreams. I will try and keep it as PG as possible for certain readers. 😱😉😁

There is no other way to put this except to just say it, because we’re all adults here: I dream about performing oral sex on men. A lot of men. Sometimes several men at the same time. It is also not unusual for me to dream about penises without male bodies coming out of nowhere for me to do my thing with. 😁😱😂😱😱😄🤣

And more often than not, the penises will then have muscular men attached. I normally don’t know who the men are or I can’t see them. But the sex is fantastic!! I also dream about seeking men to have sex with, strange men. And most of the time, I am indeed successful. Sometimes it is penetrative sex where I am being penetrated, and sometimes I am doing the penetrating. It is all wonderful!!

Derek’s Analyses

I will try to make these short and sweet, but you know how I ramble. 😄

The “Derek Gives Birth” Analysis

First of all, I have dreamt of either being pregnant or giving birth before. And I have been told before, by an Uber driver en route to the car dealership once (don’t ask), that I was trying to give birth to something, like a career. She said it was as a motivational speaker. Um WRONG! However, I have also been told the same thing by others I know. When I told the dream to one of my good friends recently, she asked what it was I was trying to give birth to. I don’t think it is a physical child, obviously, though I am certain I was a mother MULTIPLE times in previous lives. I feel that I am indeed trying to give birth to my creative ideas and to my writing and acting career. The part about my teen son telling me I didn’t want him could be reflective of the relationship between me and MY mother. I used to feel that maybe she didn’t want me, but I don’t believe that’s true based on our conversations surrounding the topic. And in the dream, my mother was there. The fact that no father was in sight says to me that I am on my own. But it also says that heck, I’m single. 😂🤣

2632 Georgia Avenue Analysis

This says to me that perhaps I will ALWAYS have a connection to that place since I used to live there. Also, the fact that it was bare could just simply be the fact that a nightclub has now taken it over. Or it could be the dismal feeling I had when I lived there, with all of my nightmares, et al. The part about my parents being poor is laughable since they are far from it! But I am! Poor that it is. 🤣 Or truthfully, it could be that the entire dream represents a facade of the happiness I thought my parents had, which they really didn’t and still don’t. That could be the emptiness/poverty part of the dream. I don’t think it has to do with money at all.

The Scary Old Mansion Analysis

Honestly, I think it is perhaps a past life thing. I think either I owned the mansion OR I worked there as a servant. The significance of the decrepit nature suggests to me that it WAS indeed an old mansion, and that perhaps when I lived there I was old, again either as the servant or the master. Also, it could also suggest that everything there was decaying, not necessarily the place, but the feelings, emotions, and the people there. I think something terrifying happened there, hence, the insects, etc., which could signify death and decay. And maybe there were dead bodies there. The chasm could represent a deep divide between the servants and the master and others living in the mansion. Perhaps the master (me) treated the servants horribly, which would explain why people in my current life try to treat me horribly. 🤔😔

1002 Montgomery Street Revisited Analysis

Truthfully, I have no idea why I am now dreaming that the shrubbery and greenery surrounding my FORMER house and my former street are trying to kill me. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a green thumb like my grandmother Costella and maybe because I have inadvertently killed many a plant in my day. 🤔😂🌿🪴 But whatever it is, I would guess that it has more to do with the house than the street. I think I experienced so much pain living there that it’s like trying to keep me inside the house, whereas I wish to escape. It’s like the plants are guarding that house. Or I am wondering if the greenery is representative of my grandmother who DID have a green thumb and always kept a garden. Perhaps she wants to keep me in that house, because she was always overly protective of me, to the point I felt it was a bit over the top, hence the Venus Flytraps and deadly plants.

Back to UNC Analysis

I remember reading somewhere that college dreams mean you are on a higher plane, a higher level of consciousness. And believe you me, I have been trying! LOL I have been dreaming more about college than high school lately. And this time in my college dreams, I am really trying to do better than I did way back in the day at Carolina before becoming a music major. I am wanting to do well and put my best foot forward, whereas my first two years at Carolina, I sort of goofed off. And then again, I was in that stupid cult. In my current life, I am more ambitious than ever. I am NOT goofing off when it comes to my Derek “stuff.” I am desiring to do the very best I can. I feel like I am making up for lost time by being extremely focused and dedicated. I am being an overachiever during this late stage of my life. 🤣😂 I think the carnival part of it signifies the fun I did have while at Carolina.

Derek, Let Your Hair Grow Analysis

I am trying to remember what that actually means. Pardon me as I look it up. Here is what I found at the top of Google. 😊 Long hair in a dream symbolizes femininity, sensuality, and beauty. It can also represent freedom, power, and strength. Alternatively, it may indicate a desire for change or a need to let go of something. Think about the context of the dream and how the long hair made you feel. The femininity is spot on as I am gay, but more importantly I KNOW I was a woman in PREVIOUS lifetimes. I can also relate to the “freedom, power and strength” as I definitely desire freedom and more power in my life, but also I feel as though I am getting stronger and stronger everyday. Now, I am most desirous of change in my life, as I am sick and tired of the same old-same old every doggone day. And I, of course, need to let go of something, well actually a lot of things. But also I think my long hair may be representative of some of these past lives as women. And I just remembered that long hair can signify wisdom.

The Mystery of the Twisted, Weird Staircase (That Goes Nowhere) Analysis

I have read that stair dreams indicate the direction your life is going. So, if you are going up the stairs, that shows you are ascending in your personal life – you know, growing, becoming better, etc. However, the opposite is true if you are descending the stairs, you apparently are going down in life. And I have experienced both in my dreams. And I don’t think it takes a genius to figure out when the stairs go NOWHERE, as I have experienced in my dreams. The impossible stairs I have no clue as to what that could possibly mean. Could that mean the waking dreams I have in my life of desiring to be a writer and actor are impossible? Or I still think it is?

2632 Georgia Avenue Take 2 Analysis

I honestly believe the trying to leave the apartment signifies me trying to escape, trying to get the hell out of there. I hated and still hate D.C. with a fiery passion. I have NEVER liked that place, and my mother knows it because I constantly and still very often bring it up. 2632 was scary for me as I have outlined previously. D.C. is still scary to me. 😂

And it just occurred to me that perhaps the reason I keep dreaming about both D.C. AND 1002 Montgomery Street is that I am trying to escape my current life!!

D.C. on My Mind Analysis

Speaking of D.C., I really don’t understand why I would dream about the city itself unless it does have to do with my general unease and anxiety about the place, which could be reflective of the anxiety I feel in my waking life – sometimes. D.C. is just vast and huge, and I am not necessarily a fan of huge cities anymore. I find them intimidating, and I am quite often lost in my general D.C. dreams, like I am trying to find something. And perhaps I am just lost in my waking life, too. And I often feel that way.

Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! SEX!!! Analysis

I am just going to say the explanation and analysis are quite obvious: I need SEX! 🤣😂🤣 And I am very horny all the time. And I LOVE MEN!!!!!!! So. Enough. Said.

Please click on the Derek Store below on your way out the door. 😂🤣

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That’s it for now. Please return next time when the topic will be the joy I find in writing. Until then, please stay safe and mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER:  I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals.  These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance.  Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here. 

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER:  There are products on this page.  By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you.  However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Photo attribution: Unsplash, Andy He, Manny Moreno, Steve Kelso, Carolyn Keene