June 2024 - Derek Writes

Welcome back, my dearest friends and readers!

I hope your summer is going along swimmingly! And coolly! 😁😂🤣🔥🌵😎🆒

Today, I want to talk about going down the rabbit hole, almost like from Alice in Wonderland. However, this is more of we don’t really wish to do that. But then again, did Alice?

And what do I mean by going down the rabbit hole? Well, first of all, it is a term I picked up from work when dealing with our medical students or learners. We don’t want to lead them down a path that doesn’t have anything to do with the case we’re portraying. Or that isn’t important or may lead them astray from their real purpose. Make sense?

Also, going down the rabbit hole can be a good thing, if you are thinking good or fun thoughts. And for me in my writing, going down a rabbit hole with certain storylines is actually a wonderful and fun thing to do.

I have now been using the term “the rabbit hole” in my own life, but in my case, it pertains to my INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS. So, when I say to myself ‘Derek, don’t go down the rabbit hole,’ I mean do not allow your thoughts to take you down the path of negative or catastrophic thinking or anticipatory anxiety thinking. Don’t go there. Don’t go down the rabbit hole.

This has been a long journey, battle and war between me and my mind. EVERY DAY I struggle with intrusive thinking, be it unwanted sexual thoughts, catastrophic thinking, etc. It’s like my mind isn’t my own.

A negative, horrible thought will pop into my mind, such as ‘You want to go blind. Or you’re going to go blind one day.’ And sometimes I will create these horrible WHAT IF scenarios in my head about ways it could happen.

And the whole blindness OCD (yes, there is such a thing. And I am learning that I am not the only one who suffers from it), started years ago when I did a search ON THE INTERNET (yep, Ye Olde Purveyor of Potential Doom and Gloom) on eye floaters. And reading that, though harmless and normal, that if you get enough floaters all at once, it could be a sign of retinal detachment, which COULD lead to blindness!

Well, then my mind WENT DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE of ‘Oh my God! I’m going blind!’

This would go off and on in my mind for a while, and then there were long periods when I wasn’t bothered by these thoughts at all. But now they’re back, and because I also study krav maga, a form of martial arts, now the blindness OCD is taking me down the rabbit hole of WHAT IF in sparring with someone or actually fighting, you lose your eye??? And that turned into what if someone PURPOSELY blinds you? Which turned into then ‘sounds like you WANT to experience being blind!’ It’s HORRIBLE!! Because nothing could be farther from the truth.

But this is what I mean by going down the rabbit hole, particularly of catastrophic thinking. How one simple thought can turn itself into a disaster!

And this doesn’t apply to just blindness. Obviously, it can be ANYTHING you may find distasteful, horrid, abominable, unimaginable, etc.

Another example, was the rabbit hole I took myself down during the 80s during the Cold War. You know the one where we Gen Xers lived in constant fear of nuclear war.

Every time I would set foot in Washington, D.C., home of my parents and brother, I would imagine getting nuked. Any major city I found myself in back then, I was deathly afraid that nuclear war would break out, and I would get vaporized, the same way those poor people did in the 1983 movie The Day After.

And the same occurred when I was told by an astrologer that I was bisexual!!! This was back in 1999, and I was an out and proud gay man even then (and still am DUH!). I knew full well who I was. (Oh and by the way, this same astrologer predicted that soon New York, D.C., Atlanta, and other major cities would not be here due to NUCLEAR WAR!)

Back to the bisexual bullocks, after he told me that, my mind went down that rabbit hole of ‘Oh my God! My life is a lie! I actually am SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO WOMEN!’

So, my mind took me down the rabbit hole of every time I would see a woman, I would think ‘Do I want to go to bed with her? Do I want to have sex with her?’ For a long time I just didn’t want to be around women for fear of seeing something in them that would make me think I’m sexually attracted to them. I went down horrible, little rabbit holes thinking of sex acts with women, that I didn’t want to think, but my mind took me there anyway. And I was also “checking” to see if I was attracted to them. So, I would see if the thoughts would “get a rise out of me” if you catch my drift. And they NEVER did.

So, it is disturbing to think that our minds can do something like this to us, especially an obsessive mind – a person suffering from OCD.

The act of ruminating is the same as going down the rabbit hole. You allow your mind to take you there, and it really is very hard to get out of it. You are stuck in that loop, which I will be talking about next week.

The deeper you go, the harder it is for you to come back to reality.

As an example, you hear about a break-in in a friend’s house. The friend is okay, but several big-ticket items were stolen. After hearing about this, you start ruminating or going down the rabbit hole of what if it happens to you?

You start to realize that your dwelling may not be as secure as you thought.

Then you start imagining WHAT IF someone breaks into your house. What if they aren’t just satisfied by taking your stuff? What if they wish to harm you and/or your loved ones? What if they KILL YOU??

(Notice “what if” comes up a lot!)

You begin investing in home security, perhaps even placing cameras outside your home.

You get a gun. Or five.

But you still worry and obsess CONSTANTLY about being safe in your home.

But it just doesn’t stop there. You begin obsessing about whether you are safe in public. You are now in constant worry and fear over something bad happening to you whether it is at home or work or anywhere.

Perhaps this is an overexaggeration, but I think you get where I’m coming from.

Your mind just won’t stop. It won’t let the thoughts go. It is stuck in your head, and you are thinking about it and ruminating and obsessing over it again and again and again. And yet AGAIN!

Congratulations! You are now down the rabbit hole! And believe me, this is nothing to congratulate anyone over.

And it is easier said than done NOT to think about whatever it is you are obsessing over.

But how do you treat this if you cannot get out of the rabbit hole?

Here are some things that help me:

Meditation.
Practice mindfulness, where you are just in the moment. For example, if you are outdoors, observe the trees, the nature, the cars passing by, buildings, etc.
MUSIC!!! I am telling you this REALLY helps me!
Distract yourself. Play a game. Read a book. Listen to music. Watch TV.
There is a therapy trick called cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT, in which you expose yourself to the thing you fear. Give it a shot.
I tell myself ‘NO! I REFUSE to go down this rabbit hole! This isn’t real. This is not my experience. I am staying ABOVE the rabbit hole!’ Or something along those lines.
And of course seeking professional help is not a bad idea, if you are really stuck and trapped down the rabbit hole. And yes, it can even mean medication.

Above all, don’t give up hope. Stay grounded, always.

Now, before you go, please check out my Derek Store.

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Thank you so much for stopping by. Please return next week when I talk about how the obsessive mind gets stuck and gets into a loop of intrusive thinking. And until then, please be safe and, as always, mentally well!

DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.

AFFILIATE DISCLAIMER: There are products on this page. By clicking on the links, you will be redirected to that page at no cost to you. However, I will receive compensation if you purchase something (which I hope you do 😊).

Welcome back, my darlings!

This week, as promised, I wanted to delve into what I believe is the true basis of my OCD.

Before I delve into this, I want to make a blanket statement that this post is in no way, shape or form designed to denigrate or be angry with my beloved Grandmother Costella, the wonderful lady who helped to raise me.

I see now that she was just as much a victim as I was.

Also, to give further context, I have ALWAYS suffered from horrible intrusive thoughts stemming from OCD, anticipatory disorder, generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and LOADS of catastrophic thinking.

All my life, I just didn’t know what it was. But after EXTENSIVE and EXHAUSTIVE research, yep that is what I suffer from. And I know, I know. Some of you are perhaps thinking I am suffering from the WebMD syndrome! LOLOL

But the symptoms fit. And I have seen therapists who have told me the same thing.

I have gone from the Dark Victory Syndrome of am I losing my memory?

The Dark Victory Syndrome

To the current blindness OCD or fear of going blind (and this one did start with an WebMD search)!

And every other OCD-related trigger in between.

Well, honorable mention to the threat of nuclear war/the Cold War thingy of the 80s.

The intrusive thoughts began to manifest themselves in college, when I was in the cult.

So, enough of my mini background. On with the actual show.

Miss Cos

My grandmother Costella was such a worrier. For being someone so strong, self-assured and having a very strong belief in God, she was a bit nervous. Okay, a LOT nervous.

These are just SOME of the examples of growing up with grandma:

When I was a little Derek, whenever I was playing outdoors, Costella would often come out on the back porch and SCREECH my name!!

“DEREK, WHERE ARE YOU? STAY WHERE GRANDMOMMY CAN SEE YOU!!!!”

She was just so afraid, for some reason, that something was going to happen to me. Maybe she was being extra careful or cautious since I wasn’t her child, and she knew she would never hear the end of it if something happened to me on her watch.

And then I became a teen. When I was first learning how to drive and even after I had gotten my driver’s license and she would make me take her to get groceries or to church (mostly at the insistence of my grandfather, because he was a jackass and okay, okay, because he needed a break since there was now another driver in the family. He just went about it the wrong way). But anyhoo…

I would drive, with my grandmother in the passenger seat, and talk about a backseat driver. 😂😂 Whenever I would brake to slow down or stop, I could feel her foot pressing into the floorboard of the car on her side. She thought she, too, could control the car! 😁😁

She would DEFINITELY tell me to slow down. Or to move. Or to stop, etc. It was very frustrating and nerve wracking for me, who was not the most comfortable driver at that time. And ANY driver will tell you they don’t appreciate hearing from the peanut gallery about their driving habits.

Also, how many times did I hear “Be careful” before leaving the house as a child, and especially as a teen when I was driving?

Later in life, I began to exhibit some of the same fears, albeit for the most part, I kept them to myself. However, my mind constantly played out all sorts of disastrous scenarios, including hypochondriac thoughts, such as Moe Howard in character below. 😁😁😂😂

Dr. Douglas Bloch, who is a depression and life coach (he can be found on YouTube) calls it being “nervous in the service,” where you are scared of EVERYTHING. And that certainly described me as a child.

This describes my grandmother to a tee. And again, for someone who supposedly had such a strong faith in God, it was just odd to see her be so EXTREMELY “nervous in the service.” She worried about EVERYTHING! She worried about her children and grandchildren, including my little brother, particularly when he came to visit in the summertime.

And I know she was concerned and loved us. However, looking back I could tell how much SHE suffered!

You witness this over and over and over, I have to wonder if it doesn’t become ingrained in you, despite doing everything in your power to fight against it. I told myself multiple times that I wasn’t going to end up like my grandmother in that regard, but I did.

I finally feel like I am rising above it, though, or at least I am trying to. And RALPH doesn’t make it easy. Ralph is what I call that intrusive thinking/OCD part of my mind now. No doubt very soon, Ralph will be the subject of one of my blog posts. 😉

THE TRUTH!

I now know the real reason, or at least part of it, behind Miss Costella’s neurosis. It was my grandfather. And I revealed that in a previous blog post, too.

He cheated on her. That’s right. I lived a lie in my household on 1002 Montgomery Street. There were numerous fights, yes. BUT I didn’t know that my grandfather had been cheating on my grandmother and sired not one, but two other children outside of his marriage to her.

So, I could see whenever he would leave the house, she would be afraid or nervous that he was going to go see the other woman. Which he probably did.

In the end, this isn’t to blame my grandmother. I am not mad at her at all. This is about my healing and understanding. And understanding her even more. As a matter of fact, I feel sorry for her. I am so sorry for what my grandfather put her through. I can see now how he really destroyed her in so many ways. And how he destroyed all of us.

But in the end, he isn’t going to win! And there is much more to Costella’s rich legacy than HER intrusive thoughts!

That’s it for today, but before you go, please check out the Derek Store!!

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Please return next week when the topic will be how your mind takes you down a rabbit hole in terms of your intrusive thinking. So, until then, please be safe and, as always, MENTALLY WELL!!

I do not own the copyright to any songs or videos listed here.