Welcome back, my darlings!
This week, as promised, I wanted to delve into what I believe is the true basis of my OCD.
Before I delve into this, I want to make a blanket statement that this post is in no way, shape or form designed to denigrate or be angry with my beloved Grandmother Costella, the wonderful lady who helped to raise me.
I see now that she was just as much a victim as I was.
Also, to give further context, I have ALWAYS suffered from horrible intrusive thoughts stemming from OCD, anticipatory disorder, generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and LOADS of catastrophic thinking.
All my life, I just didn’t know what it was. But after EXTENSIVE and EXHAUSTIVE research, yep that is what I suffer from. And I know, I know. Some of you are perhaps thinking I am suffering from the WebMD syndrome! LOLOL
But the symptoms fit. And I have seen therapists who have told me the same thing.
I have gone from the Dark Victory Syndrome of am I losing my memory?
To the current blindness OCD or fear of going blind (and this one did start with an WebMD search)!
And every other OCD-related trigger in between.
Well, honorable mention to the threat of nuclear war/the Cold War thingy of the 80s.
The intrusive thoughts began to manifest themselves in college, when I was in the cult.
So, enough of my mini background. On with the actual show.
Miss Cos
My grandmother Costella was such a worrier. For being someone so strong, self-assured and having a very strong belief in God, she was a bit nervous. Okay, a LOT nervous.
These are just SOME of the examples of growing up with grandma:
When I was a little Derek, whenever I was playing outdoors, Costella would often come out on the back porch and SCREECH my name!!
“DEREK, WHERE ARE YOU? STAY WHERE GRANDMOMMY CAN SEE YOU!!!!”
She was just so afraid, for some reason, that something was going to happen to me. Maybe she was being extra careful or cautious since I wasn’t her child, and she knew she would never hear the end of it if something happened to me on her watch.
And then I became a teen. When I was first learning how to drive and even after I had gotten my driver’s license and she would make me take her to get groceries or to church (mostly at the insistence of my grandfather, because he was a jackass and okay, okay, because he needed a break since there was now another driver in the family. He just went about it the wrong way). But anyhoo…
I would drive, with my grandmother in the passenger seat, and talk about a backseat driver. 😂😂 Whenever I would brake to slow down or stop, I could feel her foot pressing into the floorboard of the car on her side. She thought she, too, could control the car! 😁😁
She would DEFINITELY tell me to slow down. Or to move. Or to stop, etc. It was very frustrating and nerve wracking for me, who was not the most comfortable driver at that time. And ANY driver will tell you they don’t appreciate hearing from the peanut gallery about their driving habits.
Also, how many times did I hear “Be careful” before leaving the house as a child, and especially as a teen when I was driving?
Later in life, I began to exhibit some of the same fears, albeit for the most part, I kept them to myself. However, my mind constantly played out all sorts of disastrous scenarios, including hypochondriac thoughts, such as Moe Howard in character below. 😁😁😂😂
Dr. Douglas Bloch, who is a depression and life coach (he can be found on YouTube) calls it being “nervous in the service,” where you are scared of EVERYTHING. And that certainly described me as a child.
This describes my grandmother to a tee. And again, for someone who supposedly had such a strong faith in God, it was just odd to see her be so EXTREMELY “nervous in the service.” She worried about EVERYTHING! She worried about her children and grandchildren, including my little brother, particularly when he came to visit in the summertime.
And I know she was concerned and loved us. However, looking back I could tell how much SHE suffered!
You witness this over and over and over, I have to wonder if it doesn’t become ingrained in you, despite doing everything in your power to fight against it. I told myself multiple times that I wasn’t going to end up like my grandmother in that regard, but I did.
I finally feel like I am rising above it, though, or at least I am trying to. And RALPH doesn’t make it easy. Ralph is what I call that intrusive thinking/OCD part of my mind now. No doubt very soon, Ralph will be the subject of one of my blog posts. 😉
THE TRUTH!
I now know the real reason, or at least part of it, behind Miss Costella’s neurosis. It was my grandfather. And I revealed that in a previous blog post, too.
He cheated on her. That’s right. I lived a lie in my household on 1002 Montgomery Street. There were numerous fights, yes. BUT I didn’t know that my grandfather had been cheating on my grandmother and sired not one, but two other children outside of his marriage to her.
So, I could see whenever he would leave the house, she would be afraid or nervous that he was going to go see the other woman. Which he probably did.
In the end, this isn’t to blame my grandmother. I am not mad at her at all. This is about my healing and understanding. And understanding her even more. As a matter of fact, I feel sorry for her. I am so sorry for what my grandfather put her through. I can see now how he really destroyed her in so many ways. And how he destroyed all of us.
But in the end, he isn’t going to win! And there is much more to Costella’s rich legacy than HER intrusive thoughts!
That’s it for today, but before you go, please check out the Derek Store!!
Please return next week when the topic will be how your mind takes you down a rabbit hole in terms of your intrusive thinking. So, until then, please be safe and, as always, MENTALLY WELL!!
DEREK’S DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, neither am I giving any medical or legal advice. If you are seeking help from a doctor or an attorney, please consult said professionals. These are my personal thoughts and feelings on the subjects discussed, and my blog is my own personal experiences and journey with mental imbalance. Thanking you in advance!
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